The B.rad Podcast Surprising Parenting Tips, Part 2 (The Importance of Perseverance Through Struggle) (Breather Episode with Brad)
(Breather) This show will help you understand the importance of perseverance (aka grit) and illuminate how easily youth are getting off track today due to the addictive nature of dopamine triggers (reference my breather show about Dr. Lustig’s new book, The Hacking Of The American Mind, for details).
Some great parenting and personal reflections come through in this episode, one being just how important it is to let your kid get angry, frustrated and so forth, but never discouraged. I share the story of a life-changing conversation I had with my son when he was in 7th grade and feeling completely burnt out from basketball. After he abruptly quit the team, he felt terrible and just totally down on himself. Even though I didn’t have all the parenting tips I have now, then, I knew that it was crucial that I communicate one lesson to him: do not be discouraged. We have to let our kids feel out all their feelings, but we cannot let them spiral into a web of self-doubt, which is easy when you’re feeling emotional. But that’s what you’re there for - to help them see what works and what doesn’t, and to show them where to draw the line with certain behaviors.
Since dopamine overdose downregulates serotonin, constant praise actually creates a terrible cycle for your children. According to studies, people who are on the receiving end of way too much praise are the types who “quit when the going gets tough.” This is a problem because it causes one to miss out on the intermittent reinforcement that comes with failure - that is what teaches the brain that frustrating spells can be worked through. But children who are complimented too much don’t develop persistence - no wonder, since they’re told how fabulous they are all the time, they have nothing to work towards! In fact, in college-aged kids, esteem-building praise has been linked with a noticeable drop in their grades! So watch what you say to your kids, and when you do praise them, make a point to praise the effort, not the result.
Consider cooling off a bit and placing less importance on your kid’s everyday doings and struggles. Perhaps tone down efforts to boost your kid’s self esteem and let it happen naturally. Maybe do the same for yourself, getting over yourself and being mindful to deliver maximum effort and be a good person. Land the helicopter, praise the effort, don’t comment on everything, and place the emphasis on being a good person and other important character attributes. Yes, it’s a bit different from old-school ideas about effective parenting, but guess what? That’s why it works! This episode will alter your communication with your children for the better, open your mind to alternative methods of parenting, and change the way you look at praise. Maybe your kids are all grown up now, but remember that it is never too late to change your methods. Or maybe you’re not a parent yet, but these lessons are still applicable to your own feelings about yourself and your childhood. Ask yourself, what generation of parenting was I raised in? Research what kind of parenting was thought to be “superior” back then, and try to identify how that has affected you. Maybe there are some things so deeply programmed in your psyche from your childhood that you don’t even know how far those roots reach. You might also find my show with Anat Peri, who hosts personal transformation retreats, very helpful, as she focuses on healing patients by going as deep as possible into their flawed childhood programming. Just remember: no one is perfect, and no one is a perfect parent or child. But we can all work on the ways we approach failure and success, and a huge part of that is simply getting over yourself.
TIMESTAMPS:
You must never get discouraged and get down on yourself. [03:54]
It’s okay to quit. [06:31]
Research suggests overpraised kids’ primary concern becomes their image. [07:21]
We become dopamine addicts and can learn to respond to failure with grit. [08:59]
Young people, especially males, become addicted to porn and video games. [13:54]
Parents do not need to make the kid’s life their life! Parents can be supportive and caring without giving up their own lives. [15:27]
The wise parent can learn to redirect, not fix, the child after a disappointment. [18:01]
High self-esteem is not necessarily the winning ticket that we think it is. [20:11]
Athletes who are doing well struggle with getting over yourself concept. [24:37]
Offering praise has become a sort of panacea for the anxieties of modern parenting. [28:34]
We want the kids to call the shots. {30:23]
The most important thing in life is to be a good person. [33:23]
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