Who cares about the real Jesus? Give us "Meme Jesus!"

There's a popular, fairly progressive Christian meme that has made the rounds online. It pretends to refute a "colonizer Jesus" and to support a "historical Jesus." But it turns out to just be another piece of poorly thought out propaganda. Proving once again that lots of people care very little about understanding Jesus and care very much about claiming that Jesus is supportive of their agenda.

You all said that I should walk through this popular progressive meme and unpack it. We aren't going to shoot for talking points or picking sides here, unless the "side" is Jesus' side. This will be a thoughtful analysis of each point in this popular meme.