The Sneaky Mental Rule that Lets your Emotions Control You

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Apr 24, 2025

Explore the societal pressures that shape emotional expression, particularly the struggle men face in revealing their feelings. Discover how the urge to control emotions can actually limit experiences and connections in life. Embracing emotions instead of avoiding them is presented as a healthier path to fulfillment. Personal stories add depth to the conversation, reminding us that vulnerability can lead to richer, more meaningful relationships.

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ANECDOTE

Man Avoids Football to Control Emotion

A man avoided watching BYU football after his father died to prevent feeling emotional or crying.
His mental rule to control emotions led him to avoid something he loved, losing control over his own choices.

INSIGHT

Emotional Control Leads to Avoidance

Trying to control all emotions often leads to avoidance of situations that trigger feelings.
This avoidance ironically lets emotions control your life rather than you controlling them.

ANECDOTE

Rachel Faces Anxiety to Reclaim Life

Rachel improved her anxiety by learning skills but regained control of life only by facing anxiety-triggering situations.
She had to accept feeling anxious to reclaim her freedom and daily functioning.

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So many of us have picked up messaging that emotions are negative or embarrassing, that they need to be controlled, that crying is shameful. We’ve internalized a mental rule that says something like, “I don’t let myself feel so-called “negative” emotions, because that makes me weak.” And then, in trying to not have feelings, we accidentally let them control us.

You can influence your feelings by how you think, how you act, and the choices you make. But if you have a rule that “you have to control your emotions” it doesn’t leave you with many options other than avoidance.

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Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health. In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger Institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

And deeper than all of that, the Gospel of Jesus Christ orients my personal worldview and sense of security, peace, hope, and love https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/comeuntochrist/believe

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