Date Your Wife Processing Guilt | Date Your Wife | Ep 110
*Repeat from February 2019.* “In today’s episode, we learn about Danielle’s epic dream that may or may not include Matthew McConaughey; we discover how men and women process guilt (and where that guilt stems from), and how the life-altering seasons of ultramarathon running and Kokoro training profoundly influenced and affected Garrett…and ultimately their marriage.”
Every week married couple Danielle and Garrett J White share insights and perspectives from within their own lives regarding the following topics discussed each month: Week 1: Sex Week 2: Money Week 3: Parenting Week 4: Communication In This Week’s Podcast…. Communication Point #1: Guilt: The Enemy
- Danielle hates feeling guilty. “I think guilt is the enemy, and that nothing can pull you into a downward spiral faster than guilt. When I feel guilt, I ask myself why I’m feeling this way. Can I fix it? What can I do NOT to feel this?”
- Women feel all kinds of guilt, whether it be mommy guilt, business guilt, sex guilt, or even food guilt. When she’s making decisions, Danielle asks herself if this will set her up to have a shitty day the next day. If so, “I have self-control and self-discipline.
As a woman, how do you process guilt?
Point #2: Attack With the Stack
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- Guilt plagues guys in a massive way, and they, too, experience all kinds of guilt inside of marriage, family, and business. If they work long hours to provide for their family, they feel guilty for being away from them so much. And then, if they’re away and DON’T produce, they feel guilty about that, with an extra dose of shame and worthlessness thrown in.
- Garrett deals with guilt by using a powerful tool called the Stack. “I ask myself a series of questions that help me flip my guilt. I do this through an app on my cell phone, Attack with the Stack, where I’m able to deal with and process my thoughts and stories.”
As a man, how do you process guilt?
Point #3: The Dream
- Danielle’s recent dream was like a blockbuster adventure, mystery, and horror movie rolled into one. Garrett & Danielle explore it and the possible meanings it could hold, and he reminds her, “You have dreams, and your dreams mean something.”
- Danielle: I think this dream came because I have been anxious about work. This year, I have taken on the role of CEO in addition to being a salon owner, an education director, launching my new ISLA hairline, and having a baby. I’ve snapped back strong from this baby, and mentally I feel strong, but I think I was scared that it was going to be too overwhelming. I think I was just scared of the unknown.
Do you or your spouse have dreams that carry timely messages?
Point #4: Running From Life
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- During an especially difficult three year period for the White’s, Garrett became an ultra-marathon runner, often running up to twenty miles a day. Danielle claims he was running from life.
- Garrett: Being an ultra-marathon runner was deeply powerful for me. Do you know what it did for me? I learned how to physically hurt for days and days and days on end with no complaint at all. It just fucking hurt. It’s almost like you learn how to hurt and be ok with hurting.
What do you do to run away from your problems?
Point #5: Every Mom Has a Different Path
- Garrett & Danielle have a conversation about the different choices women make today as either working-outside-the-home moms, stay-at-home moms, CEO moms, or a combination of these. Garrett feels that many women are miserable, depressed, and selling themselves short when they are stay-at-home moms, although he fully supports any choice women make.
- Danielle: I love being a mom. I love everything about it. But I also know I love doing stuff for myself. I think a lot of women pursue things outside of being a mom, but they look at it as a hobby. And I did that in the beginning, but then I was faced with a situation where I didn’t know if I was going to stay married. This is what ultimately birthed NBR, DKW Salon, her education company, and the ISLA hairline.
How do you both feel about the choices you have made up to this point?
Communication Challenge:Have a conversation about this phrase, “I wish I could just be a stay-at-home mom.” Does this trigger you? What does it actually mean to you?
Date Night Topic:Who are your superheroes? Why?
Quote of the Week:
“I’ll be hurting and suffering in business with so much shit to do, so I’ll take a deep breath and say, ‘There is no finish line, this will not end quickly, this is going to fucking hurt badly, and… it is what it is.”
—Garrett J White
“I’m super logical, and I flip things because I hate that feeling of guilt. I know if I take the feeling out of it and logically look at something – even if I’m in the wrong – I can understand it, let go, and try to do better.”
—Danielle K White