The Fluent Mind ESL Podcast A to Z Dear Jack (and Xochitl) 13 | "Feeling Ex-ed Out"
Dear Xochitl and Jack,
I've been dating someone for a few months, and things were going well until they started talking about their ex constantly. It's making me uncomfortable, and I'm not sure how to address it without sounding jealous. How can I communicate my feelings and ask for some boundaries without causing a rift in our relationship?
Sincerely,
Feeling Ex-ed Out
Transcript:
00:00:00
발표자 1
Dear Jack.
00:00:03
Jack
Welcome to the A-Z English podcast. My name is Jack and I'm here with my co-host social. And today we are doing a dear Jack episode, but it's a dear social and Jack episode and this is where I read one of our listeners problems and then we give some advice.
00:00:23
Jack
To the listener, so this one is dear, social and Jack. I've been dating someone for a few months and things were going well until they started talking about their ex constantly.
00:00:37
Jack
Ex. Meaning like ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. It's making me uncomfortable and I'm not sure how to address it without sounding jealous. How can I communicate my feelings and ask for some boundaries?
00:00:52
Jack
Without causing a problem in our relationship, sincerely feeling exed out.
00:01:02
Xochitl
OK, I think there's two reasons, potential reasons. I'm sure there's many more, but there's two potential reasons for this happening that spring to my mind. One is either the person.
00:01:18
Xochitl
Wasn't well. There's three big ones. I personally wasn't ever fully over their ex and either they've started talking to their ex again and they're like cheating on you or thinking about cheating on you and getting back together.
00:01:31
Xochitl
With their ex or.
00:01:35
Xochitl
They could not have any contact with their ex but missed their last relationship and sometimes it's not even about how they were treated. So I think sometimes it's not that we miss.
00:01:50
Xochitl
Our ex in a in a personal situation, I've been this person who talked.
00:01:53
Xochitl
About sex a.
00:01:54
Xochitl
Lot and it's not that I missed the guy. It's like I missed the way I was treated in that relationship. So I think sometimes it's worth bringing up. I don't think there's anything wrong with sounding jealous personally, because.
00:02:10
Xochitl
It is kind of on the person bringing up their ex like they should.
00:02:13
Xochitl
Be made aware of the fact they're doing this and and if they turn it around and make it your problem, say ohh you sound so jealous or whatever then you know that's a red. That's another red flag about that person. So.
00:02:29
Xochitl
Yeah. What do you think, Jack?
00:02:31
Jack
Yeah, I think I think those three are correct. I mean, either they're either they're still not over their ex and they want to get back together or they already are back together and dating you at the same time or they're trying to hurt your feelings, like trying to make you, you know, it's like a it's a perfect weapon you can weaponize.
00:02:51
Jack
Is it?
00:02:52
Jack
In a relationship right where you can talk about your ex and make the person you're with feel jealous and and.
00:03:00
Jack
Yeah, for less than less than I am. I'm just trying to think like, so I think when someone starts doing this in a relationship, you have to say something or you could just break up with that person. I mean, it doesn't. You don't have to keep.
00:03:16
Jack
Getting them? They should know better. It's really, really bad behavior. I mean, it's really rude, you know.
00:03:25
Xochitl
That's on me. I guess mine is a funny situation though. I said I'm just going to talk about mine cause it won't make.
00:03:32
Jack
Yeah. Yeah. OK, sorry.
00:03:32
Xochitl
Me look a.
00:03:32
Xochitl
Little bit better. So that's probably why.
00:03:34
Jack
I didn't. I didn't.
00:03:35
Jack
Mean to. Yeah. Through that your yeah.
00:03:35
Xochitl
No, no, Jack, it's fine. I I agree. I acknowledge that I.
00:03:39
Xochitl
Just in my.
00:03:40
Xochitl
Particular situation the person was treating me really poorly and.
00:03:44
Xochitl
I started missing my ex and it it just started becoming like a little habit. Like I'd be like, oh, I remember when I.
00:03:50
Xochitl
Used to go do ball ball.
00:03:52
Xochitl
With this person like it would just come.
00:03:54
Xochitl
Up and.
00:03:55
Xochitl
As it turns out, the person was treating me really badly because they were cheating on me.
00:04:00
Xochitl
With their ex.
00:04:02
Xochitl
And then I was thinking about.
00:04:03
Xochitl
My I started.
00:04:04
Xochitl
Thinking about my.
00:04:05
Xochitl
Ex. As a consequence of being treated poorly so.
00:04:11
Xochitl
I think it just depends. I thought that was really funny.
00:04:14
Jack
Well, it's not. It's only bad. It's only bad behavior if you're if you're. If you're dating like.
00:04:20
Jack
A good person.
00:04:21
Jack
Like if it's the person that you're dating is bad, then it it doesn't really matter.
00:04:22
Xochitl
And Sheeran.
00:04:25
Xochitl
Yeah. And it's like, Oh well.
00:04:25
Jack
So in this case.
00:04:27
Jack
Yeah, as long as you're. If you're dating someone.
00:04:30
Jack
Good. And then you can you continue?
00:04:33
Jack
To talk about.
00:04:33
Jack
Your acts and to make them feel bad, you know, or whatever, or even just if you do it subconsciously and you're not, you're not like trying to hurt them, but it does hurt their feelings. It would be worth it, I think, for this one for exed out this person.
00:04:51
Jack
To say something, because maybe it's just a bad habit.
00:04:56
Jack
That the person.
00:04:56
Jack
Is doing, but if they don't stop then I would definitely stop dating that person. I would. I would just, yeah.
00:05:06
Xochitl
Yeah, regardless of.
00:05:09
Xochitl
Whether like in.
00:05:10
Xochitl
In my case, for example, I would say.
00:05:13
Xochitl
I wasn't doing maliciously. I wasn't even really aware that I.
00:05:16
Xochitl
Was doing it.
00:05:18
Xochitl
But I was doing it because I felt really neglected in my relationship and I kept remembering my past relationship. I started doing that after a while, like after a few months I started remembering my past relationship because, well, it was funny because, well, it's a long story and I.
00:05:33
Xochitl
Won't get into it. I'll stop.
00:05:34
Xochitl
Myself now, because it just gets messier. But.
00:05:38
Xochitl
But I was going to say that I think.
00:05:44
Xochitl
I don't think necessarily the person bringing up their exes doing it maliciously, but I think it can signal that they're not over their past relationship or you guys aren't a good fit. It can definitely be a red flag and I don't think people will necessarily do it to hurt your feelings, but it can also happen when someone spent a lot of time with their ex.
00:06:06
Xochitl
And they're just now moving on to a new relationship.
00:06:10
Xochitl
And it's like that person was a big yeah. They're not ready yet. Like that person was such a big part of their life that they have a hard time separating memories from all the time they spent together. Like, especially if it was a long term relationship.
00:06:10
Jack
Right. They're not ready yet. Maybe.
00:06:24
Xochitl
So I think you.
00:06:26
Xochitl
Can think of it as a yellow flag.
00:06:28
Xochitl
Like uh. Ohh.
00:06:29
Xochitl
That's kind of concerning and bring it up and ask.
00:06:33
Xochitl
And uh, see where where it takes you.
00:06:37
Xochitl
And UM.
00:06:39
Xochitl
If the person doesn't respect your feelings and doesn't respect that, you don't want to.
00:06:42
Xochitl
Hear about their ex.
00:06:45
Xochitl
I think that's a good sign to leave the relationship.
00:06:48
Jack
Yeah. Yeah, or.
00:06:49
Jack
You could start talking about your ex, how great your ex.
00:06:51
Xochitl
Yeah, that's fun. That's always a good time.
00:06:53
Jack
But I mean, but then, you know, we call that like tip for tat. You know, like, that's not a good sign in a relationship. Yeah. When you just do the same thing to someone else, I'm not gonna give that advice to you.
00:06:58
Xochitl
Right, being petty.
00:07:06
Jack
It works, but it it'll be it'll end the relationship for sure. If you want it. If you actually wanna salvage this one then you have to have a a real adult conversation. Say like.
00:07:07
Xochitl
But it would just be funny, yeah.
00:07:19
Jack
Hey by the.
00:07:19
Jack
Way did you know?
00:07:20
Jack
That you talk about your ex a lot and I don't necessarily want to hear about that.
00:07:23
Xochitl
Right.
00:07:26
Jack
Because, you know, we're dating now. Yeah. Makes me uncomfortable. Just be honest. Cut to the chase. Yeah.
00:07:29
Xochitl
It's been comfortable.
00:07:35
Xochitl
OK, well, uh, let us know what you guys think in an e-mail. UM at A-Z, englishpodcast@gmail.com, leave a comment down below on our website A-Z englishpodcast.com or join our WhatsApp group and we will see you guys next.
00:07:49
Xochitl
Time. Bye bye.
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