HIListically Speaking with Hilary Russo Ep151 - Pet Loss: From Grief to Gratitude with Hilary Russo
How do we navigate the heartache of loss while cherishing the beauty of memories shared with our cherished pets? Join me for an intimate reflection on the enduring impact of my cat, Eliza Doolittle, whose passing after nearly 19 years left a profound mark on my heart. Let's delve into the love and responsibilities that come with being a pet parenting, finding solace and support within our community during times of grief, and ten life lessons learned from our furry companions. Plus, a chance to share your pet story on an upcoming episode.
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CHAPTERS:
00:00 Intro: The Rainbow Bridge
05:31 The Story of Eliza: The Cat Who Saved Me
09:44 The Grief and Guilt of Euthanasia
12:54 Finding Gratitude Through Grief
17:33 Connection With Pets Beyond the Veil
20:00 Ten Things I Learned from the Life of a Pet
23:21 The Power of Community and Rest
26:30 Share Your Pet Story
27:55 Honoring Unconditional Love
Share your voice and pet story on an upcoming episode:
https://www.speakpipe.com/hilisticallyspeaking
Join the HUG it Out Collective on Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/groups/hugitoutcollective
Episodes mentioned on this podcast Ep 17 Chris Palmore Finding Gratitude After Loss Ep 128 Are You a Human Being or a Human Doing? Eliza and Hilary's Blue Buffalo Cat Food Commercials youtube.com/hilaryrusso
Connect with Hilary:
https://www.instagram.com/hilaryrusso
https://www.youtube.com/hilaryrusso
https://www.facebook.com/hilisticallyspeaking
https://twitter.com/HilaryRusso
https://www.tiktok.com/@hilisticallyspeaking
https://www.hilaryrusso.com/podcast
Music by Lipbone: https://lipbone.com/
FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPTS AVAILABLE
https://www.hilaryrusso.com/podcast
00:00 - Hilary Russo (Host)
19 years Seems like a moment in time, but for close to 19 years I was blessed to have a pure shadow of sunshine by my side. On my birthday, however, my sweet Eliza Doolittle decided it was time to take a journey without me, and a light in me dimmed. April 1st, just two days after my birthday and two months shy of 19 years, my five pound sassy calico found her way over the rainbow bridge and something changed in me, which is why I'm sharing this with you, because I have a feeling, if you've ever loved and lost a pet, you're going to resonate with what I'm about to share with you. It took me some time to sit down and record this episode. I have to be honest, I needed some time to step away. To be honest, I needed some time to step away. I needed to process this loss and I really needed to allow myself to see where this was going to hit me, because, while I have had pets my entire life since I was a little girl in fact, I don't really know that many years without having a pet in my home, nothing was quite like Eliza. She was mine and I was hers, and for close to two decades, I made this commitment to protect her, to love her, to care for her, and that came with some responsibilities Responsibilities I have never known before. Responsibilities, responsibilities I have never known before. It was level up, it was different, and the feelings that go along with that kind of responsibility, that kind of love, were different too. So, after sharing with those who are closest with me about her passing my family, my friends, my Hug it Out Collective, even colleagues and clients I realized that community is where we really find our healing, and it's a reminder that we were never alone in this battle. Right, even if the responsibilities are different, even if there are hours and hours alone, even if they were just for us to bear, we're really never doing it all by ourselves, because someone you know or yourself has been through it, and I want to share with you just how common it is.
02:40
It's estimated that more than half of the global population has a pet at home. That's over half a billion dogs and cats, and in the US, 70% of households in 2021 were pet owners, and since the pandemic, the amount of pet adoptions is on the rise, thankfully. So I know I'm not alone when I share that these numbers, no matter what type of pet you have, be it fur, feathers, fins or scales. You likely have, or you have, faced pet loss. And isn't that the rub To know that you will love an animal so much, knowing that it's likely they will leave this world before you and we know that, going into it too right. I know I did, and yet I still loved. And when the time is right, somewhere down the road, I will again, because that's what we do as pet parents. We open our hearts again and again, just not now, not yet. Just not now, not yet.
03:50
So with that in mind, I thought I would share my story about Miss Eliza Doolittle and some thoughts I have about grief, what I've learned from my time with Lizzy Girl, and some possibilities for us as we go forward on this journey, plus a chance for you to share your story on an upcoming episode. And if this episode resonates with you or any of the guests that I've had here on HIListically Speaking, or any of the episodes we've done, I would love for you to do yourself a favor and do me a favor and subscribe wherever you're tuning in and take it one step further Download those episodes that you listen to, because that's going to make it more possible for others to find this show, this episode and these stories that we tell so beautifully on, HIListically Speaking. Of course, I always appreciate your kind words and your thoughtful responses in your comments, wherever you're tuning in, wherever you're listening or watching, whether it's on a podcast platform or on YouTube, and, honestly, now more than ever, I can really use those words and I know others will too. So how did Miss Eliza Doolittle come into my life? It's quite a sweet story. Actually.
04:59
It was Thanksgiving Day, 2005. And I was coming home from Thanksgiving dinner at a friend's house and I was driving along in my old Jeep, grand Cherokee. Louise and I pass a hotel and I noticed something moving as I'm about to pass a storm drain and I noticed it was like a little calico puff and I saw its little mouth opening and closing. And let me tell you, I wasn't going that fast, but it was enough for me to know that there was a kitten that was sitting there by that storm drain and I instantly called my friend who was in the car in front of me and I said I gotta turn around. There is a kitten and I don't think it's going to last the winter if it stays out here. Within 30 seconds to a minute. I had turned around, went into the parking lot because I didn't see the kitten at the storm drain. But I heard her and fortunately I had leftovers in my car and I looked under every car in that hotel parking lot right near the storm drain and there she was, hiding underneath the truck. And somehow, with love and care, I was able to force her to come out from underneath the truck because, well, I imagined she was hungry and I had plenty of turkey. And then I put a towel around her, grabbed her and put her in my car.
06:28
What in the world am I going to do with a kitten? I was not in any kind of a situation to have a cat. I was in a relationship with someone who was highly allergic to cats. So I knew that I had a job to do, and hopefully it would be to find this sweet little kitten a home. But in the two weeks that I had her, nobody came forward. I went to every vet in the area and somehow in those two weeks, those 14 days, I fell in love with this cat and I have a feeling she did the same. So in a way I would say she saved me as much as I saved her, because during that time of my life it was quite difficult what I was going through.
07:12
I guess things just show up for you at just the right time and I always joke that she's the longest relationship I've ever had. She has gone well beyond both of my long-term relationships. She has traveled more miles with me, crossed more states with me and I wouldn't trade it for anything else. She has had books written about her and chapters, artwork, poems, commercials that she's done. Have you ever seen the Blue Buffalo commercial? That's her. She's been on numerous podcasts, including sitting right behind me and sometimes in my lap. She's joined me in private sessions and even showed up while I was professing with my college students. And, yes, she's been the subject of many social media posts. So it's kind of hard to know life with Hilary without Eliza Doolittle.
08:07
But as we know, with the years come slowing down and this past year I started seeing signs of her decline. It was happening slowly. I kind of knew over the last year or two that time with her would be even more precious than it was before. And the past few months things started to accelerate. The cancer in my sweet little Calico was starting to show in her face and I found myself feeling the stress, feeling the sickness. It was a fight or flight for me, much like when you're around a sick family member you feel it, you absorb it and you're constantly on alert. And that was a difficult place to be and it absorbed a lot of my headspace, my mental space and my bandwidth was not where it used to be because so much of my intention was on Eliza.
09:14
So the time came when things really took a turn. On my birthday, March 30th, Eliza told me it was time and my boyfriend, Chris, just happened to be here because we were getting ready to celebrate my birthday that morning. She really made her presence known, that things were really getting difficult. I remember thinking that I don't have this right. You know, I went through a lot of grief before the grief actually set in and grief turned into guilt Because I thought who am I to take away a life? You know, in the perfect world you want your animal, your pet, your fur baby to just kind of curl up in your arms and take its last breath. Naturally right, but that's not the way it always happens and cats are notoriously strong to where they don't really even let you know that they're sick or they have signs of illness.
10:17
That day it was a turning point for me because I saw that she was beginning to suffer and I wasn't really sure how long it would be. And I remember making an agreement in a way with my vet some months prior that this would be a decision that I would need help with, because I really struggled with the guilt of taking that life, still hoping somewhere in the back of my mind that she would just pass on her own. And I said, when it comes to the time where you think that this could be consuming her or taking away her quality of life, I really just need the honesty. And I got that. I got that that day and I had a moment with Eliza that was almost like an approval, you know, I don't really know how to explain it, but I had the weekend with her. The decision was made and lots of emotions were shared.
11:30
The night before, Eliza shared a beautiful salmon dinner with Chris and myself. It was really a beautiful evening, a little candlelight dinner, and she got so many treats and so much love and attention. I don't even know if she can get more than she normally gets, but that night was really special and the morning came and we took her to the vet and she was in my arms and surrounded by her little babies and flowers, and I had my hand on her paws the whole time. Chris was caressing her little face and then, at some point, when I knew that time was close, I had my hand on her heart and there's something really powerful about being witness but also feeling that last heartbeat. It was spiritual, it was beautiful and I don't think I'll ever forget that. But in that moment I felt like I was truly connected to her in a different way as she crossed, and I'm really thankful for that.
12:54
So after all was said and done, I realized I needed to step away a little bit and I was fortunate to spend some time with my boyfriend, chris, and I went to his home in Virginia and just decided to do a little grieving there. It was really a wonderful opportunity for me to go through these stages of grief, and I'm sure there's still more go through these stages of grief and I'm sure there's still more. But I went from the grief to the guilt and then somewhere in there there was a shift to gratitude which took me back a few years, to the time I first wrote about Eliza in a book that was published and it was part of my friend Chris Palmore's book called Dear Gratitude, an anthology, a book that holds space for so many beautiful gratitude stories. And you might remember Chris because he was on episode 17, if , sharing his own grief journey, and it about the loss of his mother and it's interesting how we should circle back to that right. But I was fortunate to share, on page 21 7 of Dear Gratitude, the story of Eliza Doolittle and how she got her name and basically the story you heard here. But I called it Gratitude is Loverly because loverly and my fair lady, if you get the reference, and that's basically how Eliza got her name, because I pretty much found her in a gutter, just like in my Fair Lady, and I thought it was a really beautiful story to share. But I'm so grateful to Chris for giving me that opportunity to share the story of Eliza in his book Dear Gratitude.
14:40
And again, if you are interested in that episode, it is 17. And I'll put that in the podcast notes for you and when it comes down to it, you really have to think about it. It really is all about gratitude, isn't it? In some way or another, gratitude, after all, is part of the Hug it Out way. Right, if you want to join the Hug it Out collective that I have the Facebook group you'll find weekly themes and challenges in a safe place that supports the traumas to triumphs. And let me tell you, this week that group really showed their colors and showed up for me by supporting my grief, my trauma showed their colors and showed up for me by supporting my grief, my trauma. So you can check the notes of this episode to join us in that group and just see for yourself.
15:26
But I do have so much gratitude, so much gratitude for all of you who have been part of her life in one way or another, even those who just saw her on camera for the first time or in a podcast episode maybe her Blue Buffalo commercials, whatever, wherever. I'm just grateful that you connected to her in some way through me. And then, of course, those that I shared this with those closest to me, like my mom. She loved that cat and she used to say, oh, kitty's coming to grandma's house, whenever she would watch her, she would call it the country home and it was really sweet to see the connection they had, because she too loved and lost pets my entire life. So that was something my mom and I shared, you know, and even recently, you know, she became a pet parent again after some time without a pet and I'm really glad she has that. Of course, my boyfriend, chris, for having some bond that I still haven't quite figured out In such a short amount of time on this planet, knowing Eliza. They had a bond like no other. And let me tell you, if you have a calico they're very temperamental, they're very territorial and they're very spicy, but somehow that cat got to his heart and he got to hers and it was really beautiful to see. And I have really good friends, really good friends who have been there for me along the way, and I hope you have that in your life too. If you have loved and lost a pet or lost anything that you've loved in your life to have, that support can be very helpful. I know my vet and everyone who got to know this spicy little calico. I have to say thank you to them for just being there and being a support system and, of course, you just for being here to support me and giving me the permission to press record and share and know that you're tuning in. So thank you for that.
17:33
But back to this week. During this week I found myself watching a lot of YouTube videos on how to connect with your pets from beyond, how to change your frequency and be present. I did a lot of writing, I did a lot of soul searching and I really spent my time in Virginia disconnecting to reconnect Because, like I said, said so much of my emotional bandwidth was really absorbed by Eliza's illness and not really being able to separate from that and it was kind of like giving me the ability to take a breath that I hadn't taken in a really long time. But I had a moment. It happened when I was at Chris's house. It was the first morning I was there after we arrived and there was a trundle bed in the guest room where Eliza loved to sleep in the drawer which was filled with linens. She really made that area her home. In fact I'm not really even sure that the linens have been touched in there because it was just so Eliza right, but I remember that morning opening a drawer and I could still see tiny little calico hairs in there Not too much because she was a very clean cat, but you could see the impression from her body that was on top of a blanket that she had probably been sleeping on and my heart just sank.
19:15
I remember just being on my knees and putting my hands in the drawer and putting my head down and I sat there for a minute just being so grateful to have her in my life. And I don't know how and I can't explain it, but I felt something brush my ankle, my leg, as if it was her little tail that was brushing by. I was wearing shorts, so it didn't quite make sense to me. There was no fabric around me and I just kind of went huh and smiled and just let it be. You know, not everything has to be explained, and I realized that some things just don't need to be explained, right, they just are just like our pets, they don't look for explanations, they just are there, awesome, authentic, organic selves. So it got me thinking on how, the last 19 years, what I've witnessed with Eliza has been the utmost amount of awesomeness and, frankly, with the other animals that have been in my life as well, and the lessons that I've learned as a pet parent, and I really had to stop and think for a moment that I've truly witnessed some amazing things from the being that she is and other animals have been in my life.
20:55
And that's where I want to take this episode is to leave you with the top 10 things I've learned from my life with Eliza, and that number one thing is you've got to find the sunshine. I know every time I would turn around, that cat was looking for sunshine, she was basking in the sun, she was sleeping in the sun. She would find that ray just coming through a window and it could be on a floor and she was there. And it's just a reminder how easy it is to find the sunshine if we're just present in the moment. And that leaves me to number two be present and be still the being over the doing is really why we're here, isn't it? And animals do that. They just are so organic about being and we're just too much in the doing, and I share more about that on episode 128. I'll put that in the podcast notes as well, on the importance of being a human being over human doing.
22:06
Number three is play Adulting gets the best of us, doesn't it? So I want you to stop as often as you can and laugh and play and find that childish enthusiasm that lives within you. Without a care in the world, animals just play. They don't worry about what other animals are thinking, they just are. I learned that no matter how upset I am in a situation, it doesn't need to consume me. That's number four. Be in that place where you can move forward, just like the animals around you move forward Just like the animals around you. They don't spend time in the upset, they just keep moving forward. I learned to let your guard down to trust, and if you've ever spoken to your pet in a childlike voice or as if they are a child, you know exactly what I'm talking about. They aren't judging you, so why are you judging yourself? Just trust that you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing.
23:21
Number six I learned that we're all just walking each other home. I know I say that often, but I use that here because it makes such perfect sense. But when you think about it that way that we're all just walking each other home on this planet, no matter what kind of being we are, we become kinder beings. I learned that in grief beings I learned that in grief we find one another and we share the most vulnerable and beautiful parts of ourselves. It's a reminder of the power of community, right? If you've ever seen animals together, how they play, how they laugh, how they cuddle, it's just so easy to find that comfort and support. We need that too. We need that too.
24:14
I learned the importance of sleep from that cat Now cats I hear sleep up to like 19 hours a day. I would imagine that's just about right when I think about my time with Eliza and she seems pretty refreshed when she gets up right, just does her thing. But it's just about right when I think about my time with Eliza and she seems pretty refreshed when she gets up right, just does her thing. But it's just a reminder to me that sleep is so important for our well-being. So be sure that you're getting good rest, just like your pets.
24:45
Number nine find your people or your person. I know I've said this before. I said it earlier in this podcast episode. Eliza saved me as much as I saved her. I became her person. I don't think that was accidental. And number 10, I think, is really important, if not the most important.
25:09
I've learned that you need to love without condition. You need to love without fear and worry. And when you do this and you just let go and realize that being vulnerable is being courageous, you are just allowing yourself to be the most pure sense of self by loving. And in time grief will come, but that grief will turn to gratitude when you remember that loving is a reason to be grateful, even if it was only for a short time, because love will always fill your home again. You're just that kind of person. You're that kind of person. I'm that kind of person. And somewhere out there an animal is going to want to call you their own, want to call you their own, and maybe, just maybe, they'll be sent to you from someone or something that has loved you from before in your past. When you think about it that way, it's heart opening.
26:22
In closing, I imagine you've connect with this episode in some way, shape or form. And if you do you've connect with this episode in some way, shape or form and if you do, if it did resonate with you in any way, I would love to know and I'd also love to offer you an opportunity to share your story about your special pet on an upcoming episode In the sharing in the community, we do find that we are never truly alone. So what I'm asking you to do is pretty simple and kind of fun. I would love for you to go to speakpipe dot com slash hilisticallyspeaking. I'll put this in the listen notes and share your voice and your story about a pet that you have loved any point in your life. Really, it could be one that you connected with as a child to more recently, but in sharing about them you're keeping their spirit alive.
27:14
You know, miss Eliza might not be here on this earth in this moment, sitting on this lap or behind me on my chair in this moment, but she's with me. I will continue to share her stories. I'm sure she's going to come up again and I would love that for you as well. So just press record, share your journey, and then you can take it one step further and share a picture of you with your pet, so that when I release the episode, that memory will be remembered, along with your voice and your story. And once you record, once you go to speakpipe dot com, I will personally reach out to you to share details on how you can share that photo and get in on the show.
27:53
Do yourself a favor. Give that special being that gave you so much unconditional love a moment in the spotlight. I look forward to hearing your stories, seeing your connection, and I imagine others will as well. So, on that note, thank you for showing up, for tuning in, for being part of my journey, allowing me to feel safe and vulnerable to share my story, this episode. I leave you with the words that you probably have heard before and they are quite memorable from Winnie the Pooh, heard before, and they are quite memorable from Winnie the Pooh how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. That's the gratitude right there until next time. I love you, I believe in you and I appreciate your open heart. Be well.