Quillette Podcast A Gay Author’s Escape from Cults, Drugs, Queer Radicalism, and ‘Scrupulosity’
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Nov 30, 2025 Ben Appel, a writer and memoirist, shares his gripping journey from a cult-like childhood in the Lamb of God community to navigating addiction and his queer identity. He reflects on the culture shock after leaving at age 12 and the emotional turmoil that followed. Appel delves into his struggles with scrupulosity, linking obsessive rituals to addiction. He also recounts his dark nights of substance abuse, a harrowing psychotic break, and his transformative experience in recovery programs, drawing eerie parallels to his past.
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Raised Inside A Tight Covenant Community
- Ben Appel describes growing up in the Lamb of God covenant community that treated sin and thoughts as entryways to hell.
- He details the communal oversight, confession, and hierarchical control that shaped his early psyche.
Religious Ritual Became Compulsive Coping
- Appel links cult conditioning to lifelong scrupulosity: ritualised prayer became a compulsive coping mechanism.
- Leaving the community removed external forgiveness, forcing internalised, exhausting rituals to persist.
Reject Dogma, Seek Open Spaces
- Question ideological labels and don't accept being boxed by political tribes; Appel reclaimed his voice after leaving groupthink.
- Seek spaces that allow dissent rather than demand doctrinal conformity.
