David Finch, an Autism and Neurodiversity consultant and author of "The Journal of Best Practices," shares his unique perspective on being 'unmarried' instead of divorced. He explores the emotional intricacies of modern relationships, particularly those influenced by neurodivergence. Finch delves into his journey of self-discovery post-diagnosis and the challenges of marriage, discussing the importance of empathy in love. He humorously navigates the pressures of authenticity in dating and reflects on how relationships evolve through shared experiences.
David Finch's journey to becoming 'unmarried' illustrates a flexible approach to relationships that prioritizes individual identity and growth.
His Asperger's diagnosis highlighted key relational challenges, leading to improved understanding and communication with his wife, Kristen.
Deep dives
The Concept of Being 'Unmarried'
David Finch and his wife came to the unconventional conclusion of becoming 'unmarried,' a concept that confused David initially. The discussion revealed that while their traditional marriage had its challenges, David's commitment to perfection in his role as a husband ultimately led to strain in their relationship. Kristen expressed a desire to step away from conventional marriage, indicating that she wanted to navigate their relationship outside of traditional expectations and roles. This transformation allowed both partners to explore their identities and dynamics in a more flexible, less pressured context.
Discovering Quirkiness and Acceptance
David Finch shared stories from his childhood that highlighted his unique behavioral traits, such as his preference for quirky activities that made little sense to others. Despite facing social challenges and feelings of being 'othered,' David maintained a strong connection with a small group of friends who appreciated his humor and eccentricities. His wife, Kristen, recognized these quirks as aspects of David's authenticity, which she found endearing rather than problematic. This acceptance played a crucial role in their relationship, as it laid the foundation for understanding and supporting each other through personal difficulties.
The Impact of Asperger's on Marriage
David's journey toward understanding his Asperger's diagnosis significantly affected his marriage with Kristen, as it helped unveil the underlying issues in their relationship. His symptoms often led to rigidity and emotional disconnection, which strained their bond, especially during challenging periods. After receiving the diagnosis, both Kristen and David felt a sense of relief, as it offered an explanation for the struggles they faced and reframed their understanding of one another. Their commitment to growth and communication allowed them to recalibrate their expectations and approach to the marriage.
Learning Through Experience
David documented his experiences in a bestselling book that provided insights on how to be a better husband while navigating the complexities of Asperger's. He developed a list of strategies and lessons learned throughout his marriage, which aimed to transform his approach and behavior in the relationship. These included practical advice like acknowledging emotional needs and taking initiative in daily tasks to support Kristen more effectively. The book became a valuable resource for others, showcasing that personal growth and understanding can positively influence marital dynamics.
Did you know that this time of year is when couples therapists are booked out? Can't think why...
But it's for this reason that we have today's little treat — an episode which Mia Freedman wanted to share with you all from No Filter.
David Finch is a lot of things: he’s an Autism and Neurodiversity consultant, the author of The Journal of Best Practices; A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to Be a Better Husband, an essayist for the New York Times Modern Love column…and he’s also UNmarried.
In this two-part special episode of No Filter, David Finch opens up to Mia about his life before and after his Asperger’s syndrome diagnosis, his quest to be the best husband and father he could be — and how he ended up UNmarried (and what that even means).
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