Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

Jessica Fern is a psychotherapist, author, public speaker and trauma and relationship expert. She has worked with individuals, couples and people in multiple-partner relationships to overcome reactive communication patterns rooted in insecure attachment and trauma. She is the author of Polysecure, a book that focuses on creating emotionally intimate and securely attached relationships with multiple partners.

On this podcast, Jessica talks about attachment theory, what it means to be securely attached, and how insecure attachment could be limiting your relationships. We discuss how to raise securely attached children and how to spot the different forms of insecure attachment. We also discuss polyamory and why the success of consensual non-monogamy hinges on the attachment status of the participants.

Here’s the outline of this interview with Jessica Fern:

[00:00:09] La Ecovilla, Costa Rica.

[00:02:47] Down to Earth with Zac Efron: Episode 3: Costa Rica.

[00:03:22] Early interest in psychology.

[00:04:51] Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy.

[00:05:44] Attachment theory.

[00:08:40] Achieving secure attachment: ARE (Available, Responsible, Engaged).

[00:09:29] Daniel P. Brown; Quiz on attachment styles.

[00:09:43] Expressed delight.

[00:11:47] Book: Mothers and Others: The Evolutionary Origins of Mutual Understanding, by Sarah Blaffer Hrdy.

[00:13:32] Book: Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy, by Jessica Fern.

[00:14:57] Attachment styles and adult relationships.

[00:16:28] Insecure attachment styles.

[00:19:39] Trauma.

[00:23:32] Consensual non-monogamy.

[00:23:59] Book: Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships, by Christopher Ryan; Podcast: Civilized to Death: Are We Really Making Progress?

[00:28:16] Emotional and sexual exclusivity.

[00:31:01] Compersion.

[00:33:39] Justice jealousy.

[00:37:08] Metamour relationships.

[00:37:38] Polyamory structures.

[00:44:51] HEARTS acronym for secure attachment.

[00:48:31] Couples who argue (peacefully) are more likely to stay together; Study: Gottman, John Mordechai, and Robert Wayne Levenson. "The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14‐year period." Journal of Marriage and Family 62.3 (2000): 737-745.

[00:49:10] Dr. John Gottman.

[00:49:42] Jessica’s website.

[00:50:13] Podcast: The Neurophysiology of Safety and How to Feel Safe. with Stephen Porges, PhD.

[00:50:15] Podcast: Oxytocin: More Than Just a “Love Hormone”, with Sue Carter, PhD.