Psychology In Seattle Podcast Pursuer Distancer (2016 Rerun)
Oct 7, 2025
In this discussion, the hosts tackle a listener's relationship struggles, focusing on intimacy issues over nine years. They delve into the effects of a traumatic upbringing on vulnerability in adult relationships. Key points include the dynamics of cuddling versus sex, the significance of physical warmth, and the impact of different attachment styles. They emphasize the need for couples therapy to address systemic issues and analyze the mutual trauma cycle that creates emotional distance. The conversation culminates in the importance of understanding relational patterns.
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Seven-Year Intimacy Decline
- Couples commonly experience a decline in sexual intimacy around the 5–9 year mark, often called the "seven-year itch."
- Kirk Honda notes this is a frequent therapy issue rooted in shifting vulnerability and life demands.
Avoidant–Anxious Cycle Lowers Libido
- Avoidant partners often shut down to protect themselves from past relational hurts and lose libido when emotionally numb.
- Anxious partners react by demanding closeness, creating a push–pull cycle that harms intimacy.
Touch Is A Core Human Need
- Humans need physical warmth beyond sexual intercourse; touch supports survival and bonding across life.
- Lack of culturally modeled touch pushes people toward pets, porn, or sex as substitutes.