Relationship Alive! 61: Orgasmic Meditation with Aubrey Fuller
Want to deepen your sense of what’s possible in sex, and experience a completely new kind of sensual connection to your partner? There’s more to sex and sensuality than most of us discover on our own, and on this show, one of my goals is to help you relearn and re-experience yourself as a sexual being. The practice of Orgasmic Meditation (OM), created by Nicole Daedone and promoted by OneTaste - the organization that she co-founded, allows you to explore orgasm sensuality in a totally new way. It is also a profoundly different way to connect sensually with your partner. Today’s guest, Aubrey Fuller, is the co-owner of OneTaste New York and OneTaste Los Angeles, and she is one of the world’s experts on how to “OM” - and the benefits of the practice.
Orgasmic Meditation (OM)- OMing is a partnered exercise introduced by slow-sex leader Nicole Daedone who co-founded OneTaste. It is a therapeutic and meditative sensual practice in which the focus of awareness is on the stimulation of the clitoris. One person (the one doing the stimulating) is the stroker, and the other person (who is receiving and, in this case, must have a clitoris) is the strokee. OMing is a 15-minute process that is both prescribed and predictable as it follows a series of steps that people are trained in and encouraged to follow. While OneTaste educates people on the what, the when, the how, and the where, they leave the who to you. It can be done with a partner, a friend, or anyone else you trust. There are classes taught around the world, and OMing communities can be found in many major cities.
Why? Those who teach, and those who experience OMing speak about the extensive benefits of the practice. It is about rediscovering what is possible in how we connect with each other sensually, sexually, and intimately! The impacts are not only physical, they are emotional, psychological, hormonal, and relational- to name a few. And the benefits are not only relegated to the strokees! Strokers also describe incredible growth and healing through the practice. It validates. Increases confidence. Heals old wounds. Raises consciousness. Allows for connection to body and other. It allows for deep healing through opening, relaxation, and release. For many women, OMing may the first time that they really learn, on a cellular level, that it is safe to be female in the world.
Orgasm 1.0/Masculine style orgasm: Masculine style orgasms are the type in which the goal is climax. There is a predictable pattern of ascension, climax/ejaculation followed by quick decline.
Orgasm 2.0/Feminine style orgasm. Female style orgasms, on the other hand, are non-linear. They made or may not include climax, and they may include many. This is non-peak orgasm sex that focuses more on the in-between and on following the sexual energy up, down, left, right. OMing is all about redefining, exploring, and celebrating the feminine style orgasm.
O2 sex- when to stop? Shifting from O1 sex to O2 sex requires a certain letting go of expectations and agenda. This is what slow sex is all about. Some people get disoriented at first as they no longer have the explicit information from ejaculation that ‘the deed is done’. To learn more about non-orgasmic sex, check out other episodes on slow sex - such as Episode 2 with Diana Richardson (Discover the Power of Slow Sex), Episode 5 with Marnia Robinson (How Orgasms are Hurting Your Relationship), and Episode 23 with Sheri Winston (Useful Things You Never Knew about Feminine Sexuality). As for OMing- the 15 minute timer is taken very seriously as it helps hold a container which differentiates sex and life, and maintains immaculate boundaries so that people do not get lost in meaning, expectations, or old patterns. When it comes to OMing it is very important to stick with agreements on time- honoring the sacredness of the practice.
Empathic orgasm: Aubrey Fuller of OneTaste jokingly advises: “Have a clit? Get it stroked! Don’t have a clit? Stroke one!” Both strokers and strokees tend to feel the same after an OMing session- stating that their mind is quiet, they feel open, refreshed, and content. Strokers often feel turned on themselves, and describe a sensation of a pulse of electricity running from their fingers through their whole body: a flush of energy, as well as oxytocin being released. In this way, OMing allows for individualized experiences (strokers and strokees may have their own journeys) while also allowing for connected and parallel processes. While the strokee may get off directly, the stroker has the opportunity for empathic orgasm.
A note for those who have trauma histories: Always follow your own knowing. Tune it to yourself. This practice is meant to bring stuff up- and as in any meditation practice, when we get quiet and allow ourselves to open, our vulnerabilities emerge. This is especially true in OMing because the clitoral stimulation floods the basement of your being- your genitals/hips/pelvis with motion and orgasmic energy and often these are the places in our bodies that hold shame and unreleased traumatic memories and emotions. This is something to remain aware of and to care take- are you in a place and do you have the support to be with what comes up in a way that is not going to overwhelm you? While this is something to be cautious of, it is not contra-indicated by any means. In fact, BECAUSE it brings so much motion and energy to these often hidden places of our bodies and psyche, there is incredible potential for healing, restoration, and growth. Reach out to safe and stable professionals or people in your life to help you assess safety, trust, and your own sense of readiness.
Be slow when it comes to slow sex! Want to introduce this to your partner but think they are going to be resistant, uncomfortable, or dismissive? Take it slow. Introduce it with patience, and bring them resources- websites, videos, podcasts, book. Do not take their discomfort personally- this is a radically different way to approach sex, and one that involves more vulnerability than most are used to- so it may require time to readjust to!
How To: There are many videos and courses available to help walk you through the steps of an OMing session. That said, what follows is not a guide, but rather a short run through to help give you a sense of the process.
- Ask: Either the strokee or stroker can ask to OM. Either can say no. Set up a date for later, or do it right then- either way honor the commitment as you would a meeting.
- The nest: OMing happens on a yoga mat with a blanket and pillows. The stroker sets up the nest and invites the strokee to lay down.
- Get ready: The stroker also needs to get a small washcloth, lubrication (OneTaste sells some especially designed for the practice, called OneStroke), and gloves.
- In position: The strokee undresses from the waist down and lays on her back with her legs butterflied open. The stroker gets into position sitting next to her. Check out the OneTaste site or the book Slow Sex by Nicole Daedone for clear illustrations on how each should be positioned.
- Safeporting and grounding: Stroker communicates in short clear sentences with a calm voice that they will “touch your thigh now”. The statements are firm and always require consent. The stroker then presses the strokees body towards the ground to begin warming the body to touch.
- Noticing: Next, the stroker puts full visual attention on the genitals and voices three value neutral things they notice, such as “dark hair that swirls above the clitoris” or “engorged labia”. The strokee thanks the stroker, who then puts on gloves and offers another safeport: “I’m going to touch your genitals now” and looks again for consent.
- Stroking: With lubed left forefinger stroker begins on the outside of the vagina and comes up through the inner labia landing on the clit- ideally finding the 1 o'clock spot (most sensitive spot). The stroke is a gentle (no harder than you would stroke your eyelid) up and down, and requires continual contact. Follow sensations, and feel way through experience.
- Concluding: the timer will go off at 13 minutes at which point the stroker says “2 minutes” and only strokes on the down pull from then on. These last 2 minutes are about grounding back into the body. When the 15 minute timer goes off the stroker announces “time” and applies grounding pressure to genitals. They then do a towel stroke and helps strokee sit up.
- Sharing frames: Both the strokee and stroker share a snapshot of their sensations and give each other an overview of their experience before putting away the nest and concluding the session.
In the moment feedback: There can as little or as much communication as needed during OMing. The strokee can ask for adjustments, and the stroker can make offerings, such as “more pressure? More to the left? Pull your hood back more?”. There is no formula or rule around communication- only that both are mindful to keep statements and questions short and simple so that neither person is distracted into a heady/intellectual thinking place.
The point: The point of this practice is to sink into a feeling state and just feel human connection! Being present for whatever arises on a sensory level. It is ultimately a goalless practice in which you are neither pursuing nor avoiding climax. For both the strokee and stroker the attention is placed on the point of contact: where the finger meets the clit. Breath is natural, eye contact is minimal, and attention returns continually to this point.
Did you know why OneTaste is called One Taste? The name of the organization comes from the following quote from the Buddha:
“Just as the great ocean has one taste, the taste of salt, so also this teaching and discipline has one taste, the taste of liberation.”
Resources:
Learn more about OneTaste here! Find links to their app, classes, stories, and more!
Read Nicole Daedone’s book Slow Sex
Take a free course!
Buy OneStroke lube!
www.neilsattin.com/om Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Aubrey Fuller.
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