The Myth of Permissive Parenting

Nov 18, 2024

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Permissive parenting has been labeled the boogeyman of modern parenting—but is it time to rethink what "permissive" really means? In this episode, I unpack the history of parenting styles, challenge the fear and judgment around permissiveness, and explore why flexibility, collaboration, and permission might just be the tools we desperately need to raise thriving, neurodivergent kids. Join me as we dig into neuroscience, attachment theory, and real-life parenting moments to rewrite the rulebook for a new generation of families.

00:35 The Permissive Parent Myth

02:27 Historical Context of Parenting Styles

06:04 Reevaluating Permissive Parenting

09:27 Modern Research and Neuroscience

13:51 Practical Examples and Strategies

21:45 The Need for Permission in Parenting

Read my article in the journal (Di)verge entitled, “Rethinking Permissive Parenting”

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Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free!
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Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom

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Transcript:

Welcome to the low demand parenting podcast, where we drop the pressure, find the joy and thrive. Even when it feels like life is stuck on level 12 hard. I'm Amanda Diekmann, author, autistic adult, and mom of three. I'm not here as an expert, but a fellow traveler. Together, we're learning how to live more gently, authentically, and vibrantly in this wild parenting life.

If there's one boogeyman that modern parents have been thoroughly indoctrinated against it's the permissive parent. I'll give some examples: So. You're working with a new therapist because your kid is really struggling . After the second appointment where they've mostly been watching and getting to know you and your child. It's time for them to give you their assessment of what's going on. And they give you a long, what they hope is a compassionate look, and say, "I know this might be hard to hear. But I think that your child needs more boundaries. They're walking all over you. It's obviously killing you. It's time for you to start putting some consequences into place. Because you don't want to be permissive."

And if you're like me, your stomach sinks. Because you know that this person doesn't get it. Also they've just played on your worst fear, which is that secretly, you're the cause of all this. If you were just a better parent, if you were just stronger, and more consistent, more persistent, more diligent, more boundaried.

If you had better control over your emotions, if you were more calm, if you were just better, you wouldn't be in this particular situation.

That is the secret underbelly of the permissive myth. And I'm going to call it a permissive myth because I actually believe we have all been fed a pack of lies about permissiveness, and it is really hampering our ability to be great parents as a culture, as a, as a parenting community. That we desperately need to get some of our tools back that have been labeled and shamed as being permissive. And that we need a new way forward that doesn't play by the rule book. Of authoritarian, authoritative, permissive.

But first, I need to explain what we're even talking about here so we can all get on the same page because there's some important history. behind that conversation and the therapist office.

In the 1960s, a researcher named Diana Baumrind, did some research on parenting styles. She was really curious about three particular parenting styles that she had identified-- authoritarian. Authoritative and permissive. For the purposes of her research, those were the only three parenting styles. Importantly, Baumrind had her own ideas about what made for good parenting.

She infamously conducted a series of longitudinal studies published in the early two thousands that argued that there was no negative impact of corporal punishment and spanking on children. Though, she personally insisted that she did not support spanking, her research was used for many years to support the use of violence against children. It wasn't until the development of the ACEs studies that looked at adverse childhood experiences that found that spanking was on similar level to other kinds of emotional abuse that her research was overturned.

And of course there's been much more nuance and shift in our cultural understanding. What we have not nuanced is her rejection of permissive parenting.

Also neuro-diversity was not just in its infancy. It wasn't even on the table. Getting an autism diagnosis was conceived of as a life sentence. Children were often sent away into institutionalization. There was really no widespread consciousness about what we now know as the neuro-diversity movement. So to say that she didn't take it into consideration and her research is an understatement. It was not even in view.

And bomb rinse work. She defined permissive parenting as being nurturing and warm. But reluctant to impose demands, limits or boundaries. Baumrind stated that permissive parents don't closely monitor their children's behavior or use rules or any standards of behavior, and that they perceive their children as equals. Permissive parents were largely seen as indulgent, lenient, lazy, and overly tolerant of their children's behavior. They failed to establish appropriate limits and forced consistent discipline, and that all of this led to negative outcomes in the child's development.

Whether any of the parents in the original study were actually lazy, indulgent. Lenient and lacking a close eye on their children's behavior. We'll never know. But what we do know is that that is how Baumrind interpreted the behaviors that she was witnessing. Of the three parenting styles that she identified, permissive parenting had the worst outcomes of the three.

Which is important because authoritarian parenting, especially at the time and probably even still today, would have involved excessive physical punishment, extreme control over children's lives and very rigid expectations. It often came with a coldness, lack of emotional connection between parent and child. For Baumrind’s research, she found that the permissive style was even worse.

That dominant understanding has carried with us to today, to the point where in every interview, every podcast recording. Every guest speaker, I go on for a summit. I can guarantee there will be some version of the question. Now isn't low demand parenting permissive. And when people ask me that question, they're really saying. Is low demand, parenting harmful.

Is it going to have terrible outcomes for our kids? Is it. Even worse that all the other parenting styles out there, isn't this, the very worst thing you can be as a permissive parent.

When people ask me that they're generally setting me up to differentiate, to say no, Low demand. Isn't permissive. And then to state all these ways that it's different. You'll see this in gentle parenting circles as well. When gentle parenting advocates, get the question. Isn't this just permissive, you'll see people bending over backwards to differentiate gentle parenting from permissive parenting. They'll talk about "no, we have really clear boundaries and consequences in our family. They're just natural consequences. We're not going to make up a consequence of go to your room for a week. We're going to say, no, you need to do X number of chores to earn back the money so that you can pay for the thing that you broke." They're going to say, "I'm still fully in control just because I listened to my kid doesn't mean that they're equal to me."

These parenting advocates are not eager to question the underlying idea that permissive parenting is bad.

The assumption of what permissive parenting is, is that it's a lack of discipline on the part of the parents. That the parents letting their kids get away with things, that they're being soft on them, that they have a hard time saying no. Often it's associated with wanting to be your kid's friend, wanting to be liked by your child. It comes along with this idea that kids are always testing grownups and unless grownups are providing really rigid guardrails, kids feel unsafe that they feel most unsafe when they don't know who's in charge. When they're testing, they're really wanting you to be really clear and rigid. Permissive parents are missing that, they're seeing a kid testing boundaries and they're then waffling on their boundaries or they're giving up on their boundaries and letting the kid do whatever they want.

The idea is kids don't want to do whatever they want. They secretly want adults who tell them what to do. They're only pretending to want autonomy and freedom and respect.

I don't play that same game where I differentiate low demand parenting from permissive parenting. I've done it at times. So you'll certainly find it out there-- "how is low demand not permissive" and all of my answers on that. But I really think even permissive parenting isn't permissive. And I want to talk a little bit more about what that means.

I have found that a different body of research has been really helpful for me in reconstructing what it means to have a healthy relationship between parent and child. Where these assumptions around power and around permissiveness are not already baked in. For that, we can turn to researcher Ross Greene.

I talked a lot more about his method, collaborative and proactive solutions in podcasts too. So you can go back and check that out. But the essential theory that green is working with and that he has used for decades in his research is that kids do well when they can. That when kids are unable to meet our expectations, when it looks to us like they're testing our boundaries or that they're being deliberately obstinate, or refusing, that in fact, they are still trying their best to meet adult expectations, but that they lack the skills to do it effectively. Since all behavior is communication, essentially kids are desperately trying to communicate with us that they want to do well, and that they can't.

So this flips permissive parenting on its head, struggling children don't need unrealistic expectations to be more clearly stated or to have additional painful boundaries drawn or consequences imposed. When their behaviors show that they can't meet expectations. Instead, it's up to the adults to look at those expectations and determine which ones are realistic and which ones are not. Then to reshape their parenting or their teaching or their therapy to meet a child right where they are.

To really understand this a level deeper, we can turn to modern neuroscience and attachment theory to understand what it really looks like to develop a healthy relationship.

In that early 1960s research bomber end believed that children would only feel safe and be regulated when they had high clear expectations and when adults were firmly in control. But this new research in interpersonal neurobiology and neuroscience and attachment shows that really the opposite is true. Children can only be regulated, self controlled, and self-disciplined, when the expectations of adults are realistic and attuned. When those children feel safe with the adult.

Much of this revolves around the concept of boundaries and the idea that permissive parents in particular have poor boundaries. Which usually is narrating that permissive parents are not using power control, rewards and punishments in order to manipulate children's behavior. We can get back to what the intention of a boundary really is. The purpose of a boundary is to make a child feel safe. To reduce their anxiety and to develop a secure attachment.

The reality is that children are very different from one another. And many of us here. If you're listening to this podcast, you probably parent an out of the bell curve child. So dominant parenting practices that work for most kids may not work for yours. And that's okay. For some children, it's absolutely true that certainty and clarity and direction and adult control makes them feel safe. And so for those kids, more controlling behaviors might be exactly what they need. Then for other children and I'm looking at all of your children, autonomy and self-direction make them feel safe. For these kids, for our kids these traditionally imposed boundaries that revolve around control and certainty and adult direction make them feel deeply unsafe.

By vilifying all the tools and habits of permissive parenting, we've taken away many of the primary ways that loads of children feel safe. We're making it even harder to be responsive and adaptive to the needs of our kids by vilifying permissive, parenting up, down sideways and everywhere. Because the tools and techniques that are associated with permissive parenting are listening, changing our minds and responding to our kids. For example, you tell your kid it's time to go to occupational therapy. You've given them plenty of warnings. And you've noticed that they're dragging their feet about going to OT week after week. And you're getting really sick of it. You don't like being late. You don't like the way the therapist looks at you.

You're telling them it's time to go. It's time to go get in the car. We need to go to therapy and your kids starts flipping out and they're like, "I won't go. You can't make me hate therapy. And I hate you. And I won't leave this house."

A tool that would align with more authoritative parenting would be to say. "I know what's best for you. We've made a commitment to this therapy. We're going to go when we're going to see it through and I'm going to get you there no matter what." A tool that might be more associated with permissive parenting would be to say, "I hear you. It sounds like you really don't want to go today. Let's make a plan to cancel and in the next week, I want to have a conversation about this. Because it costs our family a lot of money to cancel at the last minute. We need to have a proactive plan." Option one looks strong confident sturdy and all of those descriptors that we love as parents. And option two looks weak and waffly and permissive. But if we back up and actually look at what's making this child feel safe, what is deepening the attachment between these two people and what is going to achieve the better outcome for the child's long-term thriving?

I would argue that the second option is much, much better. An option to the parent has the ability and their mental framework and in their understanding of their relationship with their child, they have the ability to be flexible and to pivot, they can actually listen to what their kid is telling them, because if they were honest with themselves, they've probably been hearing it week after week. In smaller, more manageable ways, the kid has been saying, "I don't want to go. I don't like this, this isn't working for me. Please don't make me do this. It's not helping. There's something off here." And the parent has been disregarding those smaller indications. And so this week the kid ratchets it up and it's like, "okay, well I need you to listen to me. So I'm going to make it really clear." Big, big behavior and total refusal and name calling. And that's their way of saying like “you aren't listening, I'm telling you this is not working.”

And when the parent is able to say, “I hear you, this isn't working. Let's figure it out together. It doesn't work for me to cancel at the last moment.” So we're not going to be able to do that every week and maybe they would be able to say some version of that in the moment to this kid. You know, it depends on how dysregulated the kid is. But that's where permissive parenting just misses the whole boat. It is about the responsive, connected relationship that develops when the grownup is able to lay aside their power and their pride. And say, okay, I hear you.

There are so many times for me when I'm parenting in public and a moment like this unfolds where I say something is going to happen. And then my child shares with me, in some form of words or behaviors, "that doesn't work for me." The absolute dominant expectation among adults is that I will double down. That this is a test, a test of my strength, my control as a parent. I am expected to say. "No, you will do it." it has underneath it, "because I said so" that many of us heard when we were children. When I say "I'm listening, let's make a new plan." I know when I look around and I'm doing this in real time. I know another people's eyes that they're like, "oh, permissive, parent."

But they're completely missing what's happening in that moment. This vilification of permissiveness has really robbed us as a parenting community of really needed tools. Because when we're operating out of fear, Or out of shame. We don't do well as parents. We are deeply ashamed when other people call us permissive. We feel very ashamed of using a beautiful, vibrant parenting tool. Like showing flexibility and changing your plan. We are deeply embarrassed about doing those things and being seen, doing them. That hurts us and hurts our children.

If you're going to say, “Well, there are things that are destructive, right? Like you can't just wiffle waffle on everything. Kids do need some kind of boundaries, don't you think?” And I would say, “Okay, it sounds like you're saying, ‘Aren't there some things that are unhelpful, like aren't there some parts of this whole premise of parenting that you would agree are bad?’”

I want to say this with a lot of compassion because I don't want it to turn around and shame other parents. Who are also doing the best they can with what they've been handed. But I think that there is a practice that is not helpful and I really like to help parents identify this pattern and their own parenting and work to shift it. And that is saying whatever you can in order to get your child to be okay emotionally. Or to go away and leave you alone. I believe that this comes out of a really dysregulated parent. When your own internal system is really fragile and you're feeling super sensitive and any little thing can throw you off. Then you're going to understandably be hypervigilant about your child because you don't want them to scream and bother your sensory system or hit you and cue old trauma. And so you end up overly catering to your child's needs. As a form of protection for yourself. It's a way of being really small in the relationship. You're looking to protect yourself by saying whatever you have to, to keep your child happy. The reason that's so unhelpful is it doesn't trust your child with the full range of emotional experiences. It doesn't show them that you're okay no matter how they show up. That you can be there and present and with them in their good times and in their hard times. And it creates a family culture of tiptoeing and walking on eggshells. This is a very understandable thing that happens, especially in family dynamics where there's been unhealed trauma. Or where there's a really vulnerable parent or when there's a lot of unrecognized neurodiversity, and a lack of accommodations or supports, and parents are just fried .

But even still. I believe that that form of parenting is only a small tweak away from a really robustly, connected, more vibrant and joyful form of parenting where the parent gets to show up fully themselves. And it has a lot to do with the parents' own healing. So I don't see that as like, you need to go and be taught new parenting techniques. You just don't have enough inside to show up for the challenge of the reality around you. You deserve more support. You deserve more healing. Often I've seen this over and over again when parents are provided that support and healing, they're able to make that switch to sticking with their kids, even when they're really upset or frustrated and being able to bring themselves a little bit more into the picture or hold more balance or more nuance around meeting their kids' needs.

The last piece that I want to talk about it's the very likely reality that those so-called permissive parents and the 1960s were neurodivergent and disabled themselves. Or perhaps neuro-typical parents raising neurodivergent and disabled children. Without any kind of lens at that time for learning disabilities for mental health struggles for neurodivergence, everybody was tossed in the same bucket together.

Anytime a study is using universal standards of good behavior for children, there's a really high likelihood that they're also intensely ableist and that they are neurotypically defining those norms and expectations, and then looking to see who meets them. And it's no surprise that the ones who meet them are the neurotypical children.

So it's very possible that that group, that Baumrind identified as being permissive and having the worst outcomes– that the deck was stacked against them from the start. Perhaps they were doing really well with what they'd been given as undiagnosed and unsupported families looking to parent off the beaten path in the late 1960s.

I don't try to differentiate my approach from permissive parenting anymore because I don't want to perpetuate this judgment and fear that has surrounded a permissive parenting style. The core of permissive is permission. And I view it as a central part of my mission in the world to give parents permission to parent like themselves. I want you to do this like you. I want you to feel whole. I want you to thrive. And if that involves giving up on this whole idea of boundaries and rules and punishments and choosing to live by a different rule book, then I support you whole heartedly.

You do not need to live in fear that giving in is going to wreck your child or lead to lifelong consequences. Instead, I think we should be really afraid of what the fear of permissiveness is doing to us as parents. It creates countless unnecessary arguments and battles between parents and children, where parents are rigid and refuse to budge. That could easily be healed by parents, simply adjusting their expectations to match the window of tolerance of the child in front of them. Professionals are always admonishing parents for not being consistent enough or in control out of the claim that this is showing that they have a lack of boundaries and that it will make children unsafe when the research clearly shows otherwise. In BioMarin's original study, she said that permissive parents view their children as equals. And I think perhaps we need more equality among adults and children. If we're going to counteract the generations of adultism that has held that the opinions and needs and expectations of adults are more important and more worthy than that of children-- and discriminates against children based on that belief-- we're going to need to view our children as fully human and fully deserving of our adult respect. We need to respect our children's innate personhood and believe that they deserve equal respect regardless of their developmental stage or a level of independence. I want us to be free from fearing being permissive.

I want us to let go of holding unrealistic boundaries out of a misguided idea that this will make our kids feel safe. Thriving comes from an attuned and creative caregiver who has the courage to release unrealistic expectations and the flexibility to work collaboratively with their children.

We need more permission as parents, particularly as parents of a new generation of neurodivergent children. We need permission to align with our kids and to use the tools that our kids need. We need permission to provide them safety and connection and secure attachment so that they can thrive in a world that was not built for them. We're not going to get this permission from traditional parenting. Or from the established cannon of parenting advice. We may not get this permission from experts or therapists who are supposed to be helping us. We may have to give this permission to ourselves.

We need to embrace our freedom and autonomy, so that we can use our innate wisdom and intuition. Maybe it's time to rethink and maybe even embrace permissive parenting.

If this podcast is speaking to your soul, you can subscribe through wherever you get your own podcasts. Even better. If you feel the nudge, head on over to Apple podcasts in particular, and leave us a review. It's such a helpful way for new people to also get to experience what this podcast wants to bring into their lives.

I'm Amanda. Remember, it takes great strength to let things go. I'll see you next week.