The Longing Lab Professor and Author Lisa A. Phillips on the relationship between unrequited love and longing
Episode 20 Professor and author Lisa Phillips discusses society's different expectations for genders in the pursuer/pursued template. In reflecting on her own story of unrequited love, she explains how she recognized what, not who, she really wanted. Phillips shares tips for satisfying the part of some of us that is always longing.
Lisa Amy Phillips is the author of Unrequited: The Thinking Woman’s Guide to Romantic Obsession. She’s written about relationships and mental health for The New York Times, The Washington Post, Psychology Today, and other publications. Her NYT Modern Love essay is titled, "I couldn't let go of him. Did it make me a stalker?" She teaches journalism and a class of her own creation called “Love and Heartbreak” at the State University of New York at New Paltz. She’s working on a new book titled, First Love: The new realities of teen relationships and heartbreak, which will be out in early 2025. Learn more about Lisa on Instagram @lisaamyphillips18
In this episode, (in order) we talked about…
*Boundaries: At what point is behavior stalkerish
*Varying versions of limerence
*Protest Response (coined by Helen Fisher)
*Parallels between brain scans of people dealing with rejection and youth scrolling social media
*Why it’s so hard for young people to block people
*How social media capitalizes on obsession and grief
*Gender differences in unrequited love exhibited in history and literature
*Filling our longing side (appeasing our hungry ghosts)
*Parenting the emotional awakening in young people
*How her relationship with her daughter inspired her new book on teen relationships
*Her ex-boyfriend’s response to her book and essay that involved him
*Research on rebound relationships
*How reflection on unrequited love helped her recognize what, not who, she really wanted
Quotes
“Longing is a goal and a quest for change.”
“You always want to keep in mind that there’s another human on the other end.”
“The only thing that differentiates unrequited love limerence from mutual love limerence is the ending of the story.”
“We are struggling with the blurred lines right now when it comes to appropriate and inappropriate behavior online.”
“We have this culture where it’s a big deal for a woman to ask a man out. What does that say about the pursuer/persued template?”
“If you’re a longer, there’s always something inside you that’s a longer. But what you do with it, can truly transform….You can add to your repertoire of what you’re attracted to.”
“If I’m not working in a way that fills my creative side, my questing side, my desire to discover and explore and write, then I becomes a little more vulnerable in a lot of ways.”
Re: advice for parents working with the teens: “Keep having the courage to express interest and communicate.”
“I had to fall apart to realize this very basic thing…You should want someone who is good to you.”