1856: My Mormon Mission Broke Me - Tara Herbert Pt. 1
Jan 25, 2024
auto_awesome
Tara Herbert, a black girl adopted by white Mormon parents, discusses her struggles with racial identity and conflicting emotions about her faith. She navigates through societal perceptions of blackness, sexuality, and Mormon teachings on race and gender roles. Tara's mission to Atlanta exposes her to systemic racism within the Mormon Church, challenging her beliefs. Despite trauma, she finds solace in marriage and motherhood but continues to confront the complexities of her Mormon upbringing and racial identity.
Growing up as a black girl in Utah, Tara Herbert struggled to recognize her racial difference while engaging deeply with Mormonism.
Tara Herbert found solace and acceptance in social settings that conflicted with her Mormon upbringing.
Tara Herbert faced conflicted expectations of exploration and religious obligations, leading her to lead a double life marked by guilt and attempts at redemption.
Tara Herbert navigated conflicting messages about race and politics within her Mormon community, seeking her own sense of identity and purpose.
Tara Herbert reflects on her experience of being raised in the Mormon Church without being taught about its racist teachings, grappling with her black identity and the impact it had on her understanding of herself.
Deep dives
The Complexities of Adoption and Growing Up as a Minority in Utah
Tara Herbert shares her story of being adopted into a Mormon family in Utah and growing up as a woman of color. She discusses the themes of adoption, transracial adoption, and navigating her identity as a teenager. Tara also talks about her experiences with sexuality, faith transition, and navigating a faith crisis. Despite feeling guilty about attending parties and engaging in behaviors that conflicted with her Mormon upbringing, Tara found acceptance and a sense of self in those social settings.
Navigating Dual Identities and Racism in Utah
Tara reflects on the complexities of growing up as a person of color in a predominantly white area of Utah. She shares her experiences of racial identity, including facing racist comments and stereotypes from peers. Tara also discusses the conflicting messages she received about race and the challenges of navigating her own sense of self in a society that often marginalized her. She shares how attending parties and social events helped her feel a sense of belonging and acceptance, even if it conflicted with her Mormon background.
Exploring Teenage Exploration and the Weight of Religious Expectations
Tara delves into the conflict she felt between her desire for exploration and the religious expectations placed upon her. Despite feeling guilty and torn between her actions and her faith, Tara discusses the double life she led, participating in parties and engaging in experiences that brought joy and a sense of freedom. She discusses the heavy burden of guilt she carried and her attempts to find redemption and forgiveness through confessions. Tara also navigates the gender roles and career expectations placed upon her as a young woman in a Mormon community.
The Impact of Political Climate and Cultural Expectations
Tara reflects on the political climate during her formative years, particularly around the time of Barack Obama's presidency. She discusses the conflicting messages she received from her Mormon community and her own independent thoughts and feelings about the Obamas. Tara also touches on the racism she encountered as a person of color and how it clashed with the teachings of her faith. Despite feeling overwhelmed and at odds with the expectations placed on her, Tara sought to live life to the fullest and find her own sense of identity and purpose.
Navigating racist teachings and discovering withheld history
The speaker reflects on her experience of being raised in the Mormon Church and not being taught about its racist teachings or history. She discusses the harmful teachings she discovered, such as the curse of Cain and the priesthood ban on black individuals. She also shares her frustration with her parents for not informing her about these issues. The speaker reveals her struggle to reconcile these teachings with her own black identity and the impact it had on her understanding of herself. She recounts her mission experience in a racially divided town and how it further highlighted the racism within the church. She also describes her emotional journey and the difficulty of coping with traumatic events during her mission.
Struggles with mental health and lack of support
The speaker recounts the challenges she faced with mental health during her mission. She describes how she internalized her feelings and prayed to God for answers, but felt unsupported by her parents and the church. She shares her frustration with the mission president's response, giving her a companion but without proper counseling. She discusses her panic attacks and feelings of overwhelm, which were misunderstood as spiritual attacks by others. Despite these struggles, she carried on with her mission, but longed for it to end and felt relieved when it finally did.
Conclusion and hindsight
In conclusion, the speaker reflects on her mission and the impact it had on her. She regrets not having more conversations with others about the difficult issues she encountered. She highlights the importance of mental health support and adequate communication within the church. Looking back, she recognizes the need for greater awareness and understanding of these issues, and she hopes for a more inclusive and empathetic approach towards individuals who grapple with the church's teachings and history.
Challenging the church's teachings on premarital sex and feelings of shame
The podcast episode explores the intense feelings of guilt and shame associated with premarital sex within the Mormon church. The speaker shares her personal experience of entering into a sexual relationship with her boyfriend shortly after returning from her mission. She describes the shame parade she endured, including confessing to bishops and facing judgement from her community. Despite feeling a strong connection and love for her partner, the shame and guilt instilled by the church made her feel unworthy and sinful. The podcast sheds light on the damaging effects of the church's teachings on sexuality and the destructive impact it can have on individuals' self-worth and mental health.
The struggle of navigating a rushed temple marriage
In this part of the podcast, the speaker discusses her rushed temple marriage soon after engaging in premarital sex. She shares the difficulties of dealing with the shame and pressure from her community, leading her and her partner to make the decision to get married civilly. The speaker highlights how society's expectations, particularly within the Mormon community, forced her to choose between giving up a loving and healthy relationship or facing ongoing shame and guilt. The podcast episode provides insight into the challenges of navigating religious and societal pressures surrounding marriage, sex, and the conflicting emotions experienced by individuals caught between personal desires and religious teachings.
Tara Herbert, born in Lake Charles, Louisiana, and adopted at age two by white Mormon parents from Utah, recounts her complex upbringing in a predominantly white and Mormon environment. Raised with four biological siblings, she navigates her identity as a black girl in Utah, where she initially struggles to recognize her racial difference. Despite feeling out of place, she engages with Mormonism deeply, experiencing conflicting emotions about her faith and cultural identity. Tara's journey evolves through high school, where she grapples with societal perceptions of blackness, sexuality, and Mormon teachings on race and gender roles. Her mission to Atlanta, Georgia, exposes her to systemic racism within the Mormon Church and the broader community, challenging her beliefs and sense of self. Despite enduring trauma and grappling with guilt and shame, Tara finds solace in her eventual marriage and motherhood, yet continues to confront the complexities of her Mormon upbringing and racial identity.
