Parenting Control - Where I have It and Where I Don't
Oct 12, 2023
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The podcast explores the challenges of parenting control, focusing on potty training, accidents at school, and parental guidance. It emphasizes the importance of understanding where parents have control and where they don't, highlighting the need for coaching, guidance, and problem-solving in the moment.
Potty training accidents can occur when children get engrossed in activities and fail to pay attention to their body's signals, but it is a normal part of the process and can be managed with encouragement and reinforcement.
Parents have limited control over their children's choices in certain situations, such as behaviors exhibited at school, bedtimes, and mealtimes, and it is important to establish boundaries and allow children to learn from their own experiences.
Deep dives
Development and potty training
Potty training can have relapses, even if a child has been fully potty trained for a year or longer. The relapses often occur when children get engrossed in activities and fail to pay attention to their body's cues. In this case, a four-year-old girl at Montessori-based preschool is having accidents because she overestimates her ability to hold her urine and prioritizes engaging in lessons or free play. The teacher encourages her to pause between activities and use the restroom, but she refuses. This is a normal part of potty training, and the teacher's approach is age-appropriate and supportive. It is important for parents to offer encouragement and reinforce the idea of listening to their body's signals. While it's normal to feel concerned, it's unlikely to cause long-term problems and discussing health concerns with a pediatrician can provide additional reassurance.
Parental influence and out-of-jurisdiction behavior
There are situations where parents have limited control over their children's choices, such as behaviors exhibited at school, bedtimes, and mealtimes. At school, it is difficult to give reminders from home and expect children to execute them in the school environment. It is best for teachers to manage these situations. At home, parents can provide encouragement and reinforce proactive choices, but ultimately, children need to learn from their own experiences. For behaviors like struggling to sit still, parents can help children develop a go-to behavior that falls within acceptable boundaries. Similarly, for bedtimes and mealtimes, parents can establish rules but give children the freedom to make their own choices within those parameters. It is important to avoid power struggles and focus on creating a positive environment around behaviors that are outside of parental control.
Alleviating guilt and embarrassment
Parents often feel embarrassed or guilty about their children's behavior outside of their jurisdiction. However, it is important to recognize that certain behaviors are a normal part of child development. Instead of feeling guilty, parents should appreciate that their child's behavior is being appropriately managed by teachers or caregivers. In the case of potty training accidents at preschool, it is essential to trust the teacher's approach and not try to fix the behavior from home. Feeling embarrassed or worried about the teacher's experience is normal, but it is crucial to remember that accidents are common during the potty training process and will likely improve over time. Communication with the pediatrician about health concerns can offer further reassurance.
Encouraging independence and decision-making
Parents can encourage independence and decision-making by providing guidance and support rather than attempting to control every outcome. Creating an environment where children can make choices, such as deciding what and how much to eat, helps them develop a healthy relationship with food and mealtime routines. Similarly, in situations like going to school or engaging in family outings, parents should establish clear expectations and encourage children to be open to new experiences. By allowing children to make decisions within certain boundaries, parents can foster independence, problem-solving skills, and a positive outlook on the world.
We wish we could help our children make better decisions, or even make them for them sometimes! Where do we have control in parenting and where don't we? How can influence our children's decisions in areas where we don't have the control over those decisions? Tune in to find out!
