Tariffs, Teslas & Colonics: A Delulu Girl’s Guide to Global Collapse

This episode is a full-body cleanse—for your gut, your feed, and your faith in modern society. We’re diving into Trump’s new tariffs and the $3 trillion stock market wipeout, why American cars should come with trauma disclaimers, and how Tesla is basically your hot ex who ghosted and blames the moon.

Also: I took 5 colon cleanse pills and had a spiritual awakening. We’re talking perimenopause, MCAS, Etsy witch spells, and why your FYP thinks you need to manifest a boyfriend.

If anyone asks… I’m fine.

💅 Rate, review, and sage your feed. Love you, mean it.

Welcome back to the most unhinged, accidentally educational episode of the podcast yet—“Tariffs, Teslas & Colonics: A Delulu Girl’s Guide to Global Collapse.” Buckle up (in your emotionally unavailable American car), because this one is a full-body purge. I start this week’s episode where all iconic journeys begin: on the toilet, mid-colon cleanse, questioning every life choice. I took five colon detox pills because my gut is currently holding onto trauma, parasites, and probably a toxic situationship from 2019. From hip bursitis and arthritis to full-blown MCAS (Mast Cell Activation Syndrome) and perimenopause, we’re covering the chaotic medical bingo card that is my life. And yes, I have histamine intolerance, hormonal migraines, and I think a bacterium from my Eat Pray Love trip is still renting space in my large intestine. While my insides are evacuating, the global economy is doing the same. Let’s talk Trump’s new tariffs—because nothing says “Welcome to Q2” like a 10% universal import tax, a 54% tariff on Chinese goods, and a 25% tax on imported cars. Meanwhile, the stock market had a $3.1 trillion meltdown, the S&P dropped 4.8%, and tech bros are weeping into their standing desks. I break it all down, in language you’ll actually understand (and laugh at)—because if we’re going down, we’re doing it with a glass of overpriced kombucha and a sarcastic smirk.

And now for the fun part: the Tesla takedown.

Why is this car the gaslighting boyfriend of the auto industry? Why does it cost $80K but come with a touchscreen from 2014 and a steering wheel that ghosts you mid-lane? Why does the car try to self-drive into chaos while Elon tweets like an AI stuck in a breakup loop? I said what I said. If your Tesla is listening, I hope it cries.

We also drag:

• 🚗 American cars (aka Depression on wheels)
• 💸 Etsy spells (“Make him text you” spells that somehow just make you bloated)
• 📉 Your For You Page trying to sell you witchcraft to fix your love life
• 🔮 The cult of manifestation TikTok (you’re not manifesting a soulmate, you’re manifesting IBS and confusion)
• 🧠 Why the algorithm thinks I’m desperate (it’s not wrong, just rude)

If you’ve ever cried in a car, screamed at a spell jar, or tried to balance hormones while reading about global trade, this episode is for you.

This is not a wellness podcast. This is a capitalism cleanse with a comedy chaser.

Come for the colon cleanse, stay for the collapse.

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