par·a·dox

/ˈperəˌdäks/, noun

a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement or proposition that when investigated or explained may prove to be well founded or true

As school leaders, we often face a paradox in parent expectations:

When their child is involved in a mistake or misbehavior, parents expect grace and understanding from the school.
However, when their child is on the receiving end of wrongdoing, those same parents can demand swift and severe punishment that feels like a quest for revenge.

So, why does this happen, and how can we, as school leaders, respond in ways that uphold fairness, consistency, and our school’s values? On today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast, we are going to discuss Grace AND Revenge: The Paradox Behind What Parents Want.

Thank you for taking me along with you when you are walking the dog, driving to school or running errands. I appreciate you and what you are doing for the lucky kids and teachers at your school.

Thanks so much for listening and thanks for making a difference!

Mark Minkus

Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget.

That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive

If you have gotten value from listening to the podcast, I would love to work with you 1-on-1.

I help my clients overcome imposter syndrome, set boundaries between work and home and how to actually get important things done instead of having your day ruled by the tyranny of the urgent. Sounds impossible right? It’s not. I can teach you how to make it possible.

I would love to be your coach and I have a few spots open. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1.

I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale

I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide!

I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having A Successful Meeting With An Upset Parent. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting

I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide

I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week!

I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations.

George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo

Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode108

Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at mark.o.minkus@gmail.com Thanks!!

I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks!

TRANSCRIPT:

Welcome to the Private School Leader podcast, where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and, ah, lead their schools. • I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Minkus. • • • So the title of today's episode is Grace and the Paradox behind what Parents Want. • • And that word, paradox, such an interesting word. Of course, we learned about that probably in middle school language arts. • And it's a statement or idea that seems to contradict itself and is often confusing. So it's two phrases or words or ideas that are put together in one statement that seems to be confusing or they seem to be contradictory. And it's often used in literature to show how complex our lives can be. And so, for example, Oscar Wilde said, life is much too important to be taken seriously. • And another famous quote is the only constant in life is change. So those are, that's a paradox. • And then we also have a paradox in famous stories like the Tortoise and the Hare or the Emperor's New Clothes. • • Those are a, uh, great, you know, the great examples of a paradox. And then, you know, not too far from paradox is oxymoron. I love a good oxymoron, like jumbo shrimp or plastic silverware. And so we have these things that just don't seem to go together. • And as school leaders, we often face a paradox when it comes to parent expectations. • • • And so on one hand, when their child • • • makes a mistake or is misbehaving or gets in trouble, • parents expect grace and a lot of understanding from the school. • • • However, • • • when their child is on the receiving end of wrongdoing, • • • those same parents • • want swift • judgment, severe punishment. And it almost feels like they're on a quest for revenge. • • And so when it's their child, they want grace. When it's another child doing something to their kid, they want revenge. • • So those two things don't seem to go together. • • And you know, this has come up recently, um, in Thrive Academy office hours. So with Thrive Academy, um, one hour a week, all current students are in there and we're, uh, • live on zoom. And it's come up recently about how this is just seems to be happening more and more often in our schools. • • And so why does this happen? And how can we as school leaders respond in ways that can uphold • • fairness and consistency in our handbook and our school values without giving in to that desire? For revenge from the parents.

Free guide on how to deal with difficult parents on the Private School Leader podcast

Well, you've come to the right place because on, um, today's episode of the Private School Leader podcast, we are going to discuss grace and revenge, the paradox behind what parents want. • • And so I just want to say thank you so much for listening to the podcast. I know how busy you are, and I always encourage you to do something else while you're listening, like on your commute or when you're working out or doing errands or maybe walking the dog. • • But I just want to say thank you and I want to give you a free gift. And this is a free guide called five strategies to help you work with difficult parents. Our subject today is parents at our school. And we know that working with parents is part of the job. And most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. And so I've created a guide that will give you the tools you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. So if you go to the privateschoolleader.com parents, you can grab five strategies to help you work with difficult parents. • Free PDF there for you just to say thanks for listening. And that's theprivateschoolleader.com • • parents. • • •

Thrive Academy office hours can help private school leaders grow and thrive

So I mentioned a moment ago about Thrive Academy office hours, and I have to say that that's, like, one of the best hours of my week. We have leaders from all over, um, the United States that come together live on Zoom, and they're engaging in the content of Thrive Academy, the online course that you can check out@theprivateschoolleader.com thrive • • and • • • supporting each other, encouraging each other. You know, recently we had a Thrive Academy student who • hadn't, um, • • is an artist and loves to paint. And she even said that when she puts paint to canvas, all the stress leaves her body. And I asked her, well, how long has it been since you painted? And she said, 18 years. And. And I said, well, how long have you been a principal or worked in private schools? And I'm gonna let you guess that answer. • • Um, but the great news is that with encouragement from the other Thrive Academy students in Zoom, that she, about two weeks ago, on a Sunday afternoon, painted for 45 minutes for the first time in 18 years. That's the power of that community. And the power behind Thrive Academy is to get you to go from where you are, • • • maybe in survival mode, maybe not having great boundaries between work and home, maybe not having great • control, uh, • • over your day as far as time management and the tyranny of the urgent takes you from where you are to getting to be thriving. And what I talk about every single episode to be to have a long and happy, • um, and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And so Thrive academy can help you get that. And, uh, the office hours can help you grow and help you keep that. And so again, just check it out. I think it's, um, something that could really, really help you. • •

Grace and revenge: The paradox behind what parents want at school

Private school leader.com thrive okay, so Grace and revenge. The paradox behind what parents want. We're talking about how • • • it seems like the same parents want two different things that don't go together when their child gets in trouble or has an academic need or • lashes out at a classmate, um, because they were emotionally dysregulated. The parent wants all kinds of grace and forgiveness from the school. • • But if someone does something to their child, • • they want swift punishment. • They want us to, quote, unquote, throw the book at them. And they want what feels like sometimes revenge. • • And so we're going to discuss five reasons why this happens, and then I will give you six strategies to effectively deal with this at your school. Sound good?

Five reasons why this happens: protective instincts, emotional involvement, reputational concerns

All right, so five reasons why • • • this happens. Number one, protective instincts. • Number two, emotional involvement. Number three, reputational concerns. Number four, cultural influences. And number five, perception of the school's role. • • Now, whenever I give a list, and I'm actually going to give a list a little later, that's six strategies. I know I just said at the top of the episode that I want you to hopefully do something else while you're listening. And so you can't, you know, be driving to work or walking the dog and jotting down these things on this list. But that's why I always take good care of you in the show Notes the private school leader.com episode 108. That's always how you find the show notes. It's just slash with the episode and then the number. And so, um, those will all be there for you.

There are parents who want grace and revenge when something bad happens to their child

So let's break it down. Number one, why do parents want grace and revenge? • • Number one is protective instinct. So we know that as parents, • • • or if you're not a, um, parent, you have maybe a niece or a nephew or certainly you have the students at the school. And we're emotionally invested and parents are biologically wired to protect their children. It's just in us, it's in them. • And when their child is, quote, unquote, the offender, • • they may perceive their child as being vulnerable and in need of shielding or protection or, you know, that sort of, you know, when you grab the back of your kid's shirt and keep them from going out into the crosswalk. When you do those reflex type things, you hit the brakes and you reach over and hold that person back in the, in the front seat. • • • • It's kind of like a reflex to protect our kids and uh, for them to protect their children. And so there's those protective instincts that kick in. And then on the other hand, you know, so when their child is offended, is being picked on, perhaps, or they're the one that is getting, • you know, the word bully we know, gets thrown around way too often. But if there's negative behavior that's directed towards their child, they, • • • they, um, they just want that, uh, they want to, you know, excuse me, they want their child. If their child is the offender, they want grace and they want us to see them as vulnerable and in need of some strong support. But on the other hand, if their child is the recipient of that negative behavior or they are quote, unquote, victimized, you know, my child is the victim here, • then they can shift into a mode of being defensive and wanting justice. You know, I think that • the. There, there is, there are amazing things that have happened, um, in recent years and especially since the 1960s, • • um, with the Civil Rights act as far as social justice in North America. Are we where we want to be? Are we where we need to be? Not even close. But there has been progress. • • And so that's awesome. But also I think that sometimes parents, • perception of justice can kind of get warped. And so I also think that the word victim is thrown around, uh, way too much sometimes by parents. And there are true victims of, • • um, • • attacks and • um, child molestation and sexual trauma. And there are true victims. But you know, if their child is left out of a kickball game at recess, • • • I don't think that that child is a victim. Okay. Um, and so we have to, you know, some of these words are just dripping with, with meaning and power. And so we have to be careful about that. But the reason that it's happening, number one, is because of the protective instincts • • of the parent. Number two is emotional involvement. So we know this. • • Parents, um, • are going to • • • let emotion get involved and then emotion clouds our ability to be objective. So they're not going to be. I shouldn't, um, again, I'm painting with a broad brush. I know that there are many of parents in our schools who don't go in for the whole grace and revenge paradox. Right. They are supportive and they are understanding when, and they're looking to, you know, support the adults. So I'm not talking about all of the parents, but there's always a percentage of parents in our school that are looking for grace when it's their child and revenge when it's something happening to their child. So again, I just want to give that little disclaimer. I'm not talking about all the parents in our schools, but they do get emotional, understandably so. • • And this emotional proximity, • • um, how emotional they are about the issue can really make it difficult to see them, to see this situation from any kind of a balanced perspective. And so when we're looking at a situation, • if we don't have any kind of balance or we don't perceive anything about the other side, the only thing we can focus on • • is our own child. And so, you know, the inability to zoom out because of the emotion is another contributing factor to why this happens. • • Number three, why does this happen? I, um, believe that it's reputational concerns. • • And so when their child does something wrong, I think • • many parents fear the long term consequences • • of getting consequences at school and the impact to their child's reputation about that or um, how is this going to impact their self esteem. And that's a fair, I think that's fair sometimes for them to be worried about that. But how many times have you been asked • • is this going to go on their permanent record? You know, when they get a detention or an after school detention, or they have to have a walking lunch with the lower school principal or whatever it is at your school, • • • • • • you know, they want to know is this going to, I mean there are things click in their head about. I've had • • parents of like fourth and fifth graders worried about like they're not going to get into the high school or the college of their choice. And it's like • • • • • • • • • • they're coming at it from a fear and an emotion standpoint. But also some of it is a lack of knowledge about how records work, • um, and what's sent on to the next school. • • • Um, but then on the other hand, • • when their child is wronged, their child is on the receiving end of the negative behavior. Often they feel this urgent need to preserve their child's dignity • • and make sure that their child is not perceived as weak or defenseless. So it's not really about the parent's reputation as much as it is they're concerned about their child's reputation in that school. And then also how long is that going to linger? • So there's some reputational concerns that I think contribute to this paradox. • • • Number four on our list of why does this happen? Why do we have this paradox of parents seeking grace • and revenge? • • • Number four? I think it's cultural influences. And so what I'm getting at is I think that the modern parenting culture • • often can emphasize a hyper awareness • of fairness, equity, and advocacy. Okay, now, • • depending on when you were born, what, when you were growing up, all of us had different experiences when we were in school with regards to when we got in trouble. • I know with me, • • • • if I got in trouble at school, which I did, um, they would call home, and I would get in trouble at home as well. • • • • • Now, depending on how long your career is mine, I've been doing this for 33 years. And I can tell you that over those three decades plus, that I've seen a huge shift from probably the first 10 to 15 years • • where parents, • • probably a large percentage of parents would be very supportive of the school and of my decision for a consequence, and then would say, yep, I'll talk to them, or they're going to get it at home. Um, get in trouble at home as well. Okay. But I would say in the last 10 years, • • • especially the last five to seven years, • • that there definitely has been a shift. And sometimes, honestly, I feel like I'm a prosecuting attorney when I'm on the phone talking to a parent about what their child did. • And so I think that this. Just this spike in fairness, equity, and advocacy, and I think they're kind of mixed up on that. Like, they don't have to advocate for their child to be treated equitably in the school. If you, as the school leader are just enforcing the handbook, you know, the kid did this, the kid, um, skipped class. And in your handbook, it says that the consequences this. • And then you're just following through and communicating it to the parent. • • • And it's very clear that the kid did the thing. • But then there's just this eruption that, • well, yeah, but what about all these other kids? Or it's a stupid rule, you know, they. They point out, you know how it goes. They point out what the other kids are doing. Sort of like when we get a speeding ticket, well, everyone else was speeding. • • Um, • • • you know, they point out what other kids are doing. They attack the rule or they attack the person enforcing the rule, which is you. • • We know how this goes, okay? But the modern parenting culture, not with every parent, but I've seen an increase • in this. And then also • • I think that parents feel very responsible for ensuring that they think they have a responsibility to make sure their child receives just • and fair treatment at school. • • • • • • And again, I get it. From an emotional standpoint, but we do a very good job. I would say, almost without exception, our schools do a very good job of treating children fairly. • • • • And it really hurts and it sucks and it feels crappy when parents are • • questioning that or accusing us of not doing that because • • they're really questioning our integrity. • • • And then when they imply that, oh, well, we're going easy on this kid because of what their last name is and that the gymnasium is named after that family, • • when you know that you're doing things right down the line with the handbook, that hurts. • • • • And so • • • • it's, um, • you know, it's very difficult when it comes to • • those cultural influences.

Some parents believe that school should take a nurture and rehabilitate approach when misbehaving

And then finally, number five, • • why does this happen? Why are parents sometimes, some parents seeking grace and revenge is the perception of the school's role. Okay? And so what I mean by that is that some parents view the school as an organization or an institution that should protect their child at all costs. Okay? Like in other words, wrap them in bubble wrap and then tissue paper and then another layer of bubble wrap and that when their child misbehaves, • • that the school should take a nurture and rehabilitate approach as opposed to any kind of consequence. Now, I don't necessarily disagree with that. • • Um, and a lot of it has to do with the age of the child, you know, and a lot of it has to do with, you know, most of our discipline systems are, um, have an escalation to it. So if there's something that a child does once, they're probably going to get a warning. And then if they do that same thing again, then they're probably going to get a small consequence. But if they keep doing that thing or something similar, then the consequence will increase as far as its, • um, you know, duration, whether it goes from a lunch detention to an after school detention or a one day suspension or whatever the case may be. Okay? • • I think that that is a, • an approach that when done well, can help nurture and rehabilitate the child. But parents don't necessarily see it that way. And we have to remember that they don't work in schools, most of them don't. • • • And um, they have a misconception about what our role is. • And then when their child is wronged, when their child, the negative behavior is towards their child, they want us to act decisively • • and swiftly • and severely. • • • • • And that's a pretty inconsistent view when you think about it. On the one hand, when it's their child that's doing the misbehavior, • • they want us to nurture and rehabilitate and be kind and so on and so forth. • Kid gloves. • • But if it's their child that's on the receiving end, zoom. They want like the lightning bolt from heaven, right? • And so that's an inconsistent view, and it leads to conflicting demands on the part of the parent. And then it puts us in all tied up in knots, you know, when we're trying to deal with parents who are asking for these things or demanding these things. So it's tough. I'm not saying it's easy. It's tough, but sometimes it helps a little bit to have an understanding of why these things are happening.

Six practical strategies for navigating this paradox

Okay, so then I want to move on to what do we do about it? So this exists. We know why it exists. • • • • The six practical strategies for navigating this paradox. • • • Number one, communicate school values clearly. • Number two, create a consistent disciplinary process. • • • Number three, offer empathy before explanation. • • • • Number four, involve parents early. Number five, be proactive about parent education. And number six, remain unwavering in fairness. • •

Communicate school values clearly and often; create a consistent disciplinary process

All right, so number one, communicate school values clearly. So we have to make sure, you know, we may have, • • • okay, our school has values. • • • Um, and we want to make sure that we're consistently in communicating • • • our commitment to fairness and to the social emotional growth of the students. Let me say that again. • • Of course, our values include fairness • and social emotional growth of our students. We need to be communicating that often • • because parents don't • make the connection • • in the moment when they're emotional • that the school we are. What we're doing when we're following through, whether it's following through for a consequence for their own child • or following through with the consequence for another child that they don't think is severe enough, • • then they are not, because of the emotional state that they're in, • remembering that we're being consistent • and we're being aligned with our school values. • • And so I'm not saying that it's going to fix it, but the more that parents can understand • • • that the school will respond to all incidents • based on our values • • and the more consistent that we are in that, • • then I've seen it with my own eyes. We can earn trust and we can get more support from most of the parents. Okay, there's always going to be 5%. You know, I'll link that, • • • um, episode in the show notes. The 5% of parents that are trying to destroy your school, there's always 5% that are going to be the outliers that no matter what you do, they're not going to be happy. • • • • Um, however, • • • 95% is a pretty big Number and if we can • thread the needle with this issue, • • • • then there's going to be less headaches. And let's face it, the most important thing isn't really about how many headaches we have. It's about what's best for the children. • • • And what's best for the children is for them to understand that when you do something wrong, that you're going to get a consequence. And that when someone does something wrong to you, that the school is going to try to keep you safe, but that it's also not • • the end of the world. • Um, there are terrible things that happen in our schools that children are truly victimized. But that definition has been changed by parents over the years. And there are many things that happen • • that can build resilience in the way that a child reacts to it. Okay, so the number one, the first thing we're going to do is we're going to communicate our school's values clearly and often. • • Number two, create a consistent disciplinary process. • • So this is probably the most important, and that is that when we have a clear • discipline process in the handbook and it's clearly shared with students and parents and teachers, and then we follow it with fidelity, • • we have that transparency. • • • • And it can really reduce. I'm not going to say it's going to eliminate, but it can reduce the chances • • • that will have such a subjective and such an emotional response from a parent. Okay, so I'm getting. I'm thinking about, • um, • • you know, what we have at my school and just such a clear, you know, if this, then that. And then if that continues, then this is what will happen. And it's so clearly spelled out that I just think that it is, um, important that in our schools, • • something that would align with, you know, the age of your children, the culture of your school, the demographics of the children and families in your school, all the things. There's no one size fits all when it comes to, • • um, a disciplinary process. • • • • But, you know, • if you have a clearly stated discipline procedure • • • • and you might want to have a different one for, you know, in our school, we have one for lower school, one for intermediate school, and one for middle school. • • And again, it's slightly different as far as the escalation of consequences. The escalation is a little, is more quickly in middle school than it would be in second grade, which makes sense. The kids are older, they are supposed to be more responsible. • • But whatever you land on, • • • just make sure it's clear that it's clearly communicated and that your teachers are consistently following it. Because, see, that's the other thing is when you involve humans, you can have the greatest, • • • um, discipline, the most clear discipline policy in the world. • But if the, let's say the one, the one teacher in room, you know, whatever, uh, on this, the one teacher is • • • • very, very • • consistent with the discipline procedure and very disciplined and very consistent about • • writing kids up when they do the thing and following through. • • • And then their next door neighbor one door down the hall is just like kind of anything goes in their class and they haven't written up a kid in five years. Not only does that impact morale, but it also creates a lot of inconsistencies that then you have to answer for to the parent often. So it is part of our responsibility to make sure that all of our teachers are implementing our stated discipline procedures, our policies. Okay, number three is we want to offer empathy before explanation. And I used to be pretty bad at this. I used to get defensive • • and just really lean in on like describing what the kid did. And you know, this many people saw it and she admitted to it and the teacher said this and blah, blah, blah. And it's like • • • • whether the child • • is the one who did something wrong or they're on the receiving end, we just have to lead with empathy in our conversation with parents. I'm telling you, if you lead with empathy and you acknowledge • • their feelings and you validate their concerns, • • it, it's like a, um, it's like magic, honestly. Like if instead of getting defensive, instead of, if we can just let them talk, • • • • get it out, don't interrupt, • • • then say, first of all, you know, that sounds like that's really hard for um, Juliana and da da da da da and validate their concerns • • • • and then, you know, you're acknowledging their concerns and their feelings and then you transition into explaining the policy or the procedure at your school. So offer empathy before explanation. So we're going over the six strategies for • • • navigating the paradox of parents wanting grace and revenge. • • And number one, communicate school values clearly. Number two, create a consistent disciplinary process. Number three, offer empathy before explanation. And number four, involve parents early. So this is a no brainer. I'll only spend a second on this, that we need to loop the parents in um, as early as possible and really before there's an issue. You know, we're all big proponents of making sure that the first proactive communication from teachers is positive because we know that that makes the • • • negative ones more um, of a partnership instead of more of ah, us against them. • And so, you know, that's a no brainer. We all aspire to do that with our teachers, to have that reach out, that first positive one. But regardless of that, • • • you know, if there's something that's starting to bubble up, • • • • • I'm a big believer in no surprises. Parents shouldn't be rolling into parent conferences and hearing about a discipline issue in a classroom for the first time. They shouldn't be getting a report card and seeing in a report card comment or seeing in some kind of thing that's, uh, attached to their grade that there's a behavior issue. • • • Absolutely not. They can get that for free in the public school. Okay. They have a reasonable expectation that in a private school there's going to be more and better communication because we brag about our student to teacher, uh, uh, ratio. • • Well then we need to make sure that we're communicating better than some of our, • • um, public school, um, friends who just from a scale standpoint, if they've got 30 kids in their class, they can't communicate as often as, um, • if you're in a private school and you've got 16 or 18 kids in your class. • • We want to make sure that we're making • parents feel like partners • • in addressing the misbehavior of their own child or the impact on their child from misbehavior from someone else. And I just think that involving parents early, I always tell teachers, if you're thinking about, should I, uh, shouldn't I send this email Always, the answer is yes, you should. • • • And it can reduce the likelihood of the extreme, the extreme reaction, the eruptions. • • • And so involve parents early. Number five, be proactive about parent education. • • And I can hear what you're saying. You're like, yeah, right. You know, if whenever we put on a workshop or send materials home or • • whatever, you know, the parents that need to hear it the most are the ones who either don't show up or don't read that stuff. Okay, • well, you can't do anything about whether they show up or whether they read the stuff or not. But • you can partner with your parent association. • Um, they bring, um, they can bring in a speaker. • Um, you know, there's book the Blessing of a B minus, um, and the blessing of a Skinned Knee. • Um, I'll link those in the show notes. Those are things that our parent association have, • uh, purchased and given to parents for many, many years, • • um, to just try and help them see • • again. The blessing of a B minus, the blessing of a skin knee. Most of you are probably familiar with that book. And if you're not, you know, it's just that idea of you know, there are some blessings when these, um, setbacks happen. • And I didn't mention the phrase snowplow parent, but, you know, I used to just see helicopter parents who were always hovering. But more and more, probably over the past seven, five to seven or maybe 10 years, I've seen a lot more snowplow parents. They want to just clear the path • of any obstacle for their child. And we know that that is the opposite of building resilience in their child. • • And so, you know, we can do, uh, education about growth mindset. And if growth mindset is an important part of your school, which I strongly believe that it should, I'll link that episode. I think it's episode four. • • Um, I have a lot of free resources on my website about how you can teach growth mindset at your school. • But, • • you know, again, the parent communication, parent education piece, • • and don't have it hold you back from doing it just because you're worried about who might not show up. Just think about the fact that if you're getting, um, some parents to show up, then you're building • • something with them, a partnership, and you're building their capacity, and it's going to help their child. Okay?

Six practical strategies for navigating the paradox between parents and school discipline

And then finally, number six is. And this is going to be the hardest one. And this is to remain unwavering • • in fairness. • Remain unwavering in fairness. • So no matter how intense the parent's demands are, no matter what they threaten, I'm going to go over your head to the board president. I'm going to pull all of my kids out of the school. I'm going to call the Channel 11 news, okay? • • • • If we know that the child did the thing • • • • • • and we are following through with a clearly stated discipline measure in a clearly stated • handbook, • • • • it doesn't matter what their last name is. It doesn't matter that their grandparents gave • however much money. As donors, • • • • • if we want to maintain our integrity with our, uh, teachers, with our families, • • • • as hard as it is, • • • when we know • • • we have to follow through, • • • • and it just builds trust with the parent body over time. • • And there will always be individual parents that struggle, uh, • • to accept that in the heat of the moment. And those heat of the moment conversations are very uncomfortable for us. • • • • • • • But I can tell you from firsthand experience • • • initially, you know, in my time, in 21 years of being ahead of school, • not always being very consistent with discipline and sometimes letting the threats get to me and have me change my behavior • to the last 12 years of being a division head • • and • • then being much more consistent right from the beginning, • • • and it just makes Such a huge difference and you earn respect even with some of the toughest parents. • • And so it's probably the hardest one, but it's probably also the most important one is to remain unwavering in fairness. So just to wrap it up, grace and revenge. The paradox behind what parents want. • • • Five reasons why this happens. Protective instincts, emotional involvement, reputational concerns, cultural influences, • • and perception of the school's role in their child's life. Those are the reasons I think that this happens. And then number six, or excuse me, six practical strategies for navigating the paradox is, number one, communicate school values clearly. Number two, create a consistent disciplinary process and procedure. • Number three, offer empathy before explanation. • • Number four, involve parents early. Five, be proactive about parent education. And number six, remain unwavering in fairness. • • And I always like to give a call to action at the end of every episode. And my call to action for you today • • is for you to review the discipline policy in your student handbook and then ask yourself the question, • • am I consistently following our policies regardless of • pressure from parents? • • • • And you might not like the answer to that question, am I consistently following our policies regardless of pressure from parents? • • • But we have to ask ourselves and check ourselves every once in a while or we're just going to keep doing what we've always done. • • •

Mark Minkus: I have free resources for private school leaders about parents

And so I just want again, I have free resources. At the top of the episode, I talked about one free resource about parents. I have another one for you. This one's called the seven Steps to Having a Successful Meeting with an Upset Parent. • Today's episode talked a lot about conversations that would probably be meeting with a parent that's upset. And so this is, uh, an 11 page PDF and it gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. • • And we know that every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. But I think too many private school leaders don't have a plan for when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a plan, and you can get that@theprivateschoolleader.com meeting. • The seven steps to having a successful meeting with an upset parent. Just go to the privateschoolleader.com • • meeting • • and then just a reminder that I would love to work with you one on one. • Um, coaching is all about helping you • • go, uh, from where you are to where you want to be. That's the transformation, but also it's about helping you solve the biggest problems that you're dealing with right now at school and outside of school. And so, um, check it out at the private school leader.com • coaching • • and I mentioned before, but I'll say it again. • Um, today's show notes. I gave you a lot of lists and there are some resources there. Um, the private school leader.com episode 108. • • And again, if you would rate and review the podcast wherever you listen, that helps the algorithm push it out as suggested content to private school leaders all over the world. • • And if you got value from this episode, I would love for you to please, please, please share the link with another leader in your life, another school leader in your life, or maybe an aspiring leader at your school. And I've been your host, Mark Minkus. I appreciate you so much and all of the hard work that you're doing at your school. Thank you for taking some of your precious time to join me here today and I'll see you next time right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second and make a difference.

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