How to have the conversations that are most difficult — and most important.

Before you can have hard conversations with others, you need to have an honest conversation with yourself. That's the counterintuitive advice from Sheila Heen, who says our own internal narratives often derail our attempts at negotiation and conflict resolution.

"The first negotiation is actually a negotiation I have with myself about my own story," explains Heen, a Harvard Law School lecturer and co-author of Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. When entering challenging interactions, she recommends a powerful shift where we consider that our perspective is only one side of the story. "If I can shift my purpose from convincing you of something to just understanding how you see it and why we might see it differently, that actually is more likely to generate a good conversation with less defensiveness for both of us."

In this episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, Heen joins Matt Abrahams to explore effective communication in high-stakes situations. From giving and receiving feedback with her “ACE” framework (Appreciation, Coaching, and Evaluation) to recognizing the "degrees of difficulty" in disagreements, she offers practical strategies for having productive conversations even when emotions run high.

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Chapters:

(00:00) - Introduction
(01:36) - Managing Anxiety in Tough Conversations
(04:47) - Why Emotions Matter
(07:55) - Shifting the Story We Tell Ourselves
(09:13) - Starting with the Real Issue
(10:52) - Getting Unstuck in Conflict
(13:50) - ACE: The Three Types of Feedback
(16:52) - Making Feedback Actionable
(19:12) - Finding Common Ground
(20:49) - The Final Three Questions
(29:17) - Conclusion

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