Kerre Woodham: Who genuinely thinks they have the right to mete out violence?

A new report from the World Health Organization has found (old news really), a quarter of women have been physically or sexually abused by a partner. It's 24.5% for Australia and New Zealand, so about the same. And there are calls for a public awareness and education campaign in this country about domestic violence. Really? Who needs to be taught that assaulting someone, hurting someone is wrong? You know it's wrong. Children know it's wrong. 

There have been public campaigns for as long as I can remember, warning people that domestic violence lasts, endures, infects through generations. That if a child is raised in a violent family, then chances are that's what they see as normal, a way of responding to stress. There have been education campaigns warning you need to walk away when you feel your temper rising, that you need to walk away when you feel threatened. But apparently, according to the experts, this sort of education campaign is precisely what we do need. In the mid 2000s, and you might remember it, the It's Not Okay campaign was on our televisions. Importantly, it was backed up with 150 community-based prevention projects, and that what was made the impact, and then it was dropped and the experts say this is what we need to bring back. Our stats are dreadful. I mean, you can scoff at the World Health Organization and you can say, "Oh, well, we measure crime differently," but I don't think you can argue that our stats are absolutely appalling. And I say this against the backdrop of the deaths of those three beautiful children in Sanson, which has to be one of the more heartbreaking stories we've ever reported in this country. 

We have the highest rate of family violence in the OECD. They're across all socio-economic groups. Each year New Zealand police conducts more than 100,000 investigations related to family violence. Nearly half of all homicides and reported violent crimes are family violence related. One in four females, one in eight males, experience sexual violence or abuse in their lifetimes, and many of them before the age of 16. 

The head of Women's Refuge, Ang Jury, says until such time as men realise they don't own their women, nothing is going to change, but who would put up their hand and say that's genuinely what they think? That they have a woman, they love her, they have children together, and if she argues or if she wants to do something that you don't want to do, or if she wants to leave you, that you then have the right to meet out violence upon her, to prevent her from going, or to take her life so nobody else can have her. Nobody would put up their hand and say, "This is what I genuinely think." Surely to goodness. So what happens? 

I received a text a couple of weeks ago when we were talking about the impact of drugs on mental health. And this text said that relationship breakups had more of a detrimental impact on his mental health, and that of his mates, than any drug he'd consumed. That the relationship breakup stuffed with his head far more than the drugs. So do you not know you have a problem until you have it? You might think that you've got a really well-ordered life, that you've got yourself together, that you're a perfectly, perfectly normal human being. You can cope with life's slings and arrows, and then your partner leaves you, and what? You are catapulted to a place and into a being that you simply do not recognize? That you lose all reason?  

Helen and I were talking about this before we came on air. We just do not know men who react with violence. Not our friends, not our family members, not our work colleagues. Well, you know, the ones we're close to, our friends. I find it utterly inconceivable that in this day and age you can think that if a woman, or a man, decides to leave the relationship that you can therefore mete out violence - that it's justified. And I would guarantee nobody listening would think that was a legitimate and reasonable course of action. So what happens? 

After tragedies, people say, "Well, we didn't see it." Either they say it's been happening for a long time and it was inevitable, or we knew it was going to happen and one day she was going to end up dead, so there's been a pattern of abusive behaviour, or it comes completely and utterly out of the blue. There is no halfway house. 

How can people still think this? Like Ang Jury says, until such time as men realize they don't own their women, nothing is going to change. What man genuinely can put up their hand and say that is what I think? So clearly something must happen. 

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