Episode 49: Emotional Intelligence for Sales Leadership with Colleen Stanley

Emotional Intelligence for Sales Leadership with Colleen Stanley

Jenn DeWall:

Hi everyone, it’s Jenn DeWall! Thank you so much for tuning into this week’s episode of The Leadership Habit podcast, where I sat down and talked with Colleen Stanley. She is just one of my favorite people to talk about emotional intelligence with, for those that are unfamiliar with her. Colleen Stanley is the president of SalesLeadership, a sales development firm specializing in the integration of emotional intelligence, sales, and sales leadership skills. She is the author of three books, including Emotional Intelligence for Sales Success, which is now published in six languages, and Emotional Intelligence for Sales Leadership, and Growing Great Sales Teams. I hope you enjoy our conversation today as Colleen and I talk about bits and pieces of her book, as well as just drawing on her many years of experience within combining both sales and emotional intelligence to create success.

Meet Colleen Stanley, President of  SalesLeadership

Jenn DeWall:

Hi everyone! It’s Jenn DeWall on The Leadership Habit, and today I am so lucky to be interviewing Colleen Stanley. Now, many of you in the Crestcom network might be familiar with her. She has done great work with us in terms of our emotional intelligence classes and our curriculum. And we’re so excited to be talking about sales leadership and emotional intelligence. But for those that may not know you, Colleen, please go ahead and just introduce yourself.

Colleen Stanley:

Thank you. And thanks for having me today. So I Colleen Stanley, I’m the president of SalesLeadership, and we are primarily a sales development firm. That is the lane that we swim in. So if you’re not in sales development, think of it as influence, which is something all of us need. And so we work with teams on sales, kickoffs are coming up, we’ve got a sales management training and sales training. And then, I am the author of two books, Emotional Intelligence for Sales Success, and my latest one, Emotional Intelligence for Sales Leadership. So again, thanks for having me.

Jenn DeWall:

Gosh, emotional intelligence for sales leadership. Why do you think that it’s important for people to have? Well, actually, maybe I should ask why the heck aren’t people starting to really get into emotional intelligence and the way that we all know that there is a case made for it. What do you think is holding people back from really recognizing that that’s a skill set that we need to embrace and have and hone?

Colleen Stanley:

Jenn, you know, emotional intelligence is referred to as a soft skill. Now take a look at the word, soft it infers that maybe you’re sitting on a couch and you’re a big old couch potato. People will say you’ve got to go soft on this person. So I think the very word that’s associated with emotional intelligence makes people concerned that they can’t achieve hard business results, hard sales results, hard, any results in life. So there’s a little bit of a knowing and doing gap there when it comes to emotional intelligence and how it can make a huge impact, both personally and professionally.

How does Emotional Intelligence Improve Sales Leadership?

Jenn DeWall:

That’s so interesting to think that yes, soft, if we just look at it by nature, soft skills, does that mean I’m not going to be able to drive results or communicate in a place that I can have influence with people? Why, you know, you’re really like your thought leadership is leveraging emotional intelligence in sales. Why is it important to combine emotional intelligence and sales? Why should sales leaders? And by the way, for those of you that aren’t in sales, as Colleen mentioned, you’re likely in a position of influence. So this is still for you, but why is it important to combine emotional intelligence and sales?

Colleen Stanley:

What I discovered about 10 years ago, Jenn, when we brought this curriculum into our hard skills training, right? It was the light bulb for me because I recognized that what was missing from giving salespeople and sales leaders a hundred percent of the skills to be successful in life was missing. So hard skills are important, and I would use the analogy of diet and exercise, right? So the hard skills can be diet, and that is going to help you lose weight, but you’re missing another piece called exercise, and exercise to me are the emotional intelligence skills. So in life, we want a complete set of skills by which we can function and be our best and do our best. So quick example, you know, I can teach a sales team how to ask provocative questions, consultative selling questions, but when they get in front of a decision-maker that might be sitting there looking a little bored or scrutinizing them, right?

Emotions can start running that conversation. At that point, a salesperson can default to a fight or flight emotional response, right? So the fight response might be, they start getting defensive back, or they start doing more product dumping to earn their expertise in the room, or flight response can simply be, I’m just going to shut down here and go away. And I hope this meeting ends soon. So you’ve got the hard skills. You’ve taught them the great selling skills, questioning skills, but what’s getting in the way of execution is managing your emotions, your impulse control to deliver that particular skill.

Jenn DeWall:

Gosh, Colleen, I think that you probably just resonated with a lot of our audience because I think there are some people that could see themselves, myself included. I know that I speak, but it doesn’t mean I’m perfect that it is easy to see someone in a room or see someone in a virtual classroom that you think is looking away. They’re not paying attention to you. And then, all of a sudden, you just get in your head like, Oh my gosh, am I not engaging? Did I do something wrong? What do I need to do? And then yes, you try to oversell them in a way that they probably are backing further away, or you just stop. Maybe having that, that confidence. I just think that that is such a real example of what people experience, myself included. And I know that I’m an extrovert that people just assume is competent all the time, but it is easy once you see that one thing. Oh my gosh. Thank you so much for even just bringing that to light because it’s something that all of us face.

Colleen Stanley:

Absolutely. And what we have to be aware of is sometimes where the trigger, right? So in life, I call it the trigger response, regret loop. I can trigger someone with my extroverted personality, my high driving personality. I’m talking too fast, too intense. And so I might have a perfectly good opportunity in front of me. And that prospect is looking at me, thinking I don’t really like her, and I don’t really emotionally connect with her. So I can have the greatest solution, the greatest expertise in the world. But if I’m not making an emotional connection with someone, they can’t hear anything I say. They’re not engaging with me at that emotional level, which is really the area by which people buy.

Jenn DeWall:

Yeah. I love it’s emphasizing that emotional connection. Where do you feel like people get that wrong? You know, I think that if, if we don’t address the emotion piece, where, where do we get that wrong?

Emotional Awareness is Vital for Sales Leadership

Colleen Stanley:

So one of the skills that really addresses the emotion, well, there are actually two skills that address reading the room, the emotional temperature of another human being and the first would be called emotional self-awareness because that what you’re not aware of, you cannot change so if I’m not aware of how I’m landing on people, my communication style, my personality style, my questions. Then I’m going to be unaware that those questions or my style might be triggering them. Now, the second skill is empathy, and empathy is a powerful, powerful skill. However, in most organizations, people aren’t really getting it. They’re not really teaching it the right way. They’re well-intended, but they often teach empathy as a validation skill. Jenn, you must be disappointed. That must be frustrating. Well, validation isn’t really emotionally connecting with you because when I’m able to describe why you’re feeling frustrated, why you’re feeling overwhelmed, that’s called empathy because you’re demonstrating. I actually have the ability to see the world from your perspective, and more than anything in life, people want to feel understood. It is a basic human need, and it doesn’t matter how I guess confident you look, maybe even arrogant. That’s a basic emotional need. So I would say emotional self-awareness and empathy. Those are the two key skills in making that emotional connection.

Jenn DeWall:

My gosh, empathy. You know, I think that one just rings so true because it is awkward when you have someone that doesn’t necessarily know what empathy is or doesn’t know how to do it. And so they think that just by saying the words of what you’re going through, that they’ve somehow connected with you, but really I think most people can tell, would you say that it’s fair to say most people can tell whether you are genuine in your approach or whether you truly do kind of understand or empathize in the right way. I think most people, you know, we understand that we perceive that, but I guess my experience, I still think sometimes people think that I’m pulling it over. They can’t tell, they can’t see that I’m doing this. Do you feel like you see that where someone might just, that arrogance kind of comes through like I’ve got this, and they’re just completely tone-deaf to the room and not understanding that they’re creating the opposite effect?

Colleen Stanley:

Absolutely. And one of the things we will teach, whether it’s in a formal sales conversation or influence conversation, people absolutely sense your energy. So when you study emotionally intelligent people, it’s an inside out project, right? Because how I show up is how people are going to perceive what you’re thinking or feeling, whether you’re genuine or authentic. Now, the challenge in sales is something called a sales quota. It can be a manager that is strictly managing numbers, right? And so, and, and numbers are important. I understand filling the top of the pipeline working the way through. But if I show up, I am attached to my quota more than I’m attached to understanding where you’re coming from. Why is this particular need you’re expressing so important right now? Do I actually have the right solution? If I don’t show up unattached to my quota but very attached to connecting with you, then I’m going to be tone-deaf in the room and the prospect. I’m going to say it again. Even if you have the right solution, can’t hear anything you say, they’re not connecting with you. They’ve just gone tone-deaf.

Jenn DeWall:

Gosh, Colleen, can you go into every single organization and help them? Because I’ve seen this, I’ve seen it in leaders and whether it’s a salesperson or whether it’s a leader with an idea like I’ve absolutely sat in a room where, and I probably been that person too, but like the, you have this great idea that you love so much, right? So we’re high ego. And then we push, push, push, but we’re not even looking at the people that we’re trying to influence. We’re just so concerned about me, my idea of what we’re going to do. And then people are just like, why do I want to do this? I don’t listen to someone where I’m not in the conversation. If they’re trying to influence me, I want to feel like a part of that solution or feel that, okay, you want my insight, or I can make this come to fruition or implement it. My gosh, can you, can you please go in and just help every single leader?

Reading the Room

Colleen Stanley:

Well, it, for example, let’s say you’re presenting an idea. Now you, as the leader, often, if you’re a leader in this, doesn’t make you more important than anyone else. You’ve just got a different set of talents. So one of your talents might be seeing the vision- where we need to be in 20 years. The problem is, as you’re laying out that vision, you’ve left behind everyone else. And all they can think about is, Oh, this is more work for me. I don’t have the skills to do this. If you’re if we’re going to implement this idea, how does it affect this? And so what happens is if you’re not reading the emotional temperature of the room, you’re not seeing people that have maybe angst about workload or their own abilities and empathy is stopping and pausing and say, now let’s talk about this because, for many of you in the room, you might be thinking this, you might be wondering about this. You might be feeling this, and you state the elephant in the room because nobody wants to speak up to their boss and say, I’m not capable. I’ve got too much work. How do you expect me to do this? Right? We don’t want to be that person. And so often what happens because we don’t demonstrate empathy, leaders miss the meeting after the meeting,

Jenn DeWall:

The meeting after the meeting!

Colleen Stanley:

Yeah, the meeting after, or everyone gets together to talk. Does she not know how much work I have? Or when the person goes home, I think I’m going to lose my job because this is where the company’s headed. And I don’t have the skill sets. I’m not sure how I’m going to get the skillsets, you know, whatever the story is that people make up. And they’re great fiction writers. So that’s why empathy is so important. You get to have the conversation in the room versus missing the conversations that occur outside of the room.

Jenn DeWall:

Okay. Colleen, I’ve never heard it expressed like that because if it’s true, it’s you have the meeting. If you miss the mark or you miss the tone, you’re not addressing that elephant in the room. It’s absolutely going to go on between the employees to say, what in the heck are they thinking? Or yes. Like what does my future look like here? Should I start looking for another job? So we know that disengagement starts to rise, but you’re right. It’s the meeting after the meeting. Do you want to be a part of that? Or do you want that to like, and be present in that moment? Or do you want to just know that that’s what’s going to happen if you don’t address it? I love that concept. And I think for our audience, you know, asking yourself, are you addressing the elephant in the room or are you missing the meeting after the meeting, which had, that’s where I think so much can be discussed? And even the things that meeting after the meeting is likely where people, if you actually had insight into that, could then overcome some of those obstacles or give them different perspectives to help soften their anxiety or stressors. I just love that concept.

Assertiveness is a Necessary Skill

Colleen Stanley:

Well, you know, but, and then if we flip it to the other side where yes, the leader is, you know, we say the pace of the leader is the pace of the organization. I would also say this though, put the responsibility of your company’s success on your employees, your team members as well. Because it’s very easy to show up in a room, expect the man or woman running the meeting to have all the answers, or, you know, even when they’re asking for input, I’ve seen people that have not developed their assertiveness skills, so they’re not willing to state their opinion, and they’re not willing to state what they need. However, these people can also become very passive-aggressive. And then after the meeting, that’s when they fall into a victim mentality, well, they didn’t mention this. They didn’t mention this. He or she didn’t mention this.

Colleen Stanley:

And so part of the responsibility and creating a great culture is to teach people assertiveness, and then also teach them that when you’re not displaying assertiveness, you generally fall into a victim mentality. Everybody’s doing it to me. Nobody’s listening to me. Well, the fact is you’re not speaking up and stating what you need nicely. So there are two sides of the room that always have to be working together. And so I see sometimes where a leader can be doing a great job, but if they haven’t taught their team the power of assertiveness and what the implications are, if you don’t display the right assertiveness, then you get into victim-blame-excuse cultures.

Jenn DeWall:

Well, and that’s a great insight just reminding people that yes, we can have expectations of a leader. We can want them to do a really great job, but we also have to have expectations about how we show up. And, you know, I’m glad that you touched on victim mentality because I do feel like that is something that can be rather rampant in organizations where people feel like, you know, they’re just throwing, throwing out the criticism, throwing out that, but then they’re not doing anything about it. They’re just complaining. And then going back to the emotional intelligence component, because in, in my coaching school that I went to, what they called it was entrainment. When someone had maybe bigger energy— so if I walked into a room feeling really happy that people could entrain to that and also feel happy. But knowing that we have that complainer who’s always, I hate this company. I can’t believe they didn’t do that, how then they could also entrain. And so that victim mentality also perpetuates. And again, they’re the victim. They do not recognize that they actually still are a leader. They’re just a leader in victimhood and then criticism.

Emotional Contagion

Colleen Stanley:

And, and, you know, in the EQ world, I think the equivalent to that definition would be called emotional contagion. And it has actually been proven. People will pick up your emotional state, your attitude, or your habits. So, you know, the old saying one bad apple can spoil the whole bucket. It’s absolutely true. So it’s not just a pithy quote. It’s based on neuroscience, and it’s based on Psychology 101. So it’s, you know, the victim mentality when we work with sales leaders on this, and any leader could tap into this is teaching your team the concept of the locus of control. And so this is a body of work from the psychology world. Julian Rotter is the person that I understand is credited for this. And locus of control is developing either your internal or external locus of control. So for internal locus of control, their pithy statement is if it is to be, it’s up to me.

So you and I are both talking about how we grew up in the Midwest. And frankly grew up with parents that were kind of like, if you want to get it done, it’s your responsibility you’re accountable, right? And those are the people that succeed in life. Now, external, when I’ve seen this in sales and extra locus of control, people are professional complainers. They could actually put a sign out open today for complaining, bring me your problems. And I’ll add three more to them. I mean, it’s amazing! Complaining is a habit. And so what they do is they’ll blame the company. I don’t enough good marketing leads. I get enough good leads, but they’re not qualified by the sales development person. I don’t have brand recognition. Our prices are too high. I don’t get enough coaching. I don’t get enough training. And it goes on and on. So these people will never be successful in life because the external locus of control people are only successful when the external environment is perfect. Good luck with that.

Jenn DeWall:

Right. And I’m wondering, is there ever, yeah, so there’s never an endpoint for that where all of a sudden everything is there. Perfection. Perfect. We’ve got it. So there’s just if you find yourself in that position and some of you, this has to be an honest thing. I have to be honest. I know in my twenties, I was far more ego and did not have well-developed emotional intelligence skills, which meant that I was probably that person to some extent, and I’m not proud of it, but to those that are listening, just remind yourself if you are that person, you know, give yourself permission to change. How do you really want to show up? So this brings us to another question because you’ve already given us so many nuggets, Colleen. I am just loving this conversation, but what tips would you have to strengthen your emotional intelligence in sales at work? And again, for the people that may have identified, maybe see themselves as being a little bit of the victim or being a little bit more of the complainer, this is your opportunity to change. Colleen is going to give you insights into that.

How to Stop Having a Victim Mentality

Colleen Stanley:

Well, I would say there’s probably three steps. The first step is this make a decision. Make a decision because you know, when you look in life where you first change is not studying and not learning, right, you make a decision. I am going to change. And at that point, you will start looking for the resources. You will start looking for friends and colleagues that can help you. Now, when you get into the actual skills, the mega skill for developing all of the emotional intelligence skills is self-awareness. So in the words of Socrates, know-thyself, because that what you’re not aware of, you cannot change. And that which you’re not aware of, you’re bound to repeat. Now, the number one way that emotional self-awareness is developed is through quiet time, reflection meditation. And so one of the things we coach all of our teams on is when you get up in the morning, don’t grab that little adult binky called the cell phone or checking text emails because then your brain implodes.

And even if it’s nothing warranting immediate attention, your mind is often running. Carve out five minutes, start with five minutes, and reflect. And the reflection might be, how do I want to show up today? Where will I be challenged to bring my best self? Your reflection might be looking over the previous day. How did I show up? Was I the trigger that caused an emotional response? Someone else, once I fully present in all my conversations. Now I have evolved this practice to almost 45 minutes in the morning. So I generally read something spiritual positive. And then I meditate for about 20 minutes. Because for me, this is like, and this isn’t my original thought. I read it in a book somewhere. It’s like taking a shower. You know, I’m going to take your shower every day. Luckily I live here in the States, but I am going to get my mind fresh and ready to go. So check in with yourself before you check into the rest of the world, and you’re going to show up better and be better.

Jenn DeWall:

I really liked that you equated the cell phone to our binky because I even sat there. This, I sat this morning, and I, I really actually had the thought because I, I was just messing around on my phone. Right. I go through the news. I go through my email, but it’s not necessarily, I would say intentional, I know that I’m going to do something. It’s more of a passive like, Oh, what’s going on today? And I was thinking, what did I do twenty years ago? What did I do when we didn’t have cell phones? I, my alarm went off, and I got up out of bed. I didn’t just sit in bed. And I’m glad that you bring that up because that again is that’s our emotional intelligence. That’s our self-awareness and bringing it as a type of daily habit building in your self-awareness time. That’s when you’re flexing that emotional intelligence muscle. That’s a great piece of feedback.

Colleen Stanley:

And it’s a habit. And initially, you know, I have friends that still say, I just can’t sit for 15 minutes. I can’t sit for 20. Well, I couldn’t either when I was starting the reflection. It’s like anything. A habit is what you do repeatedly. So, and if you choose to study at which I have, then guess what? All of a sudden, five minutes turns into 10, 10 may turn into 15. And it depends on your schedule. You know, small children can make a difference, a sick child to make a difference, maybe something going on at work. But I promise you, you all have five minutes to check in with yourself.

Jenn DeWall:

Yeah. I think I want to start that tomorrow. Like I have extra space. I could probably just use that as my self-awareness space of checking in. So starting with self-awareness, how, where do you think people get it wrong? Or like, what are the mistakes or things that they need to avoid?

The Dunning-Kruger Effect

Colleen Stanley:

Well, sometimes, we need help. And with self-awareness is you do have blind spots, right? And there’s another body of work out there called the Dunning-Kruger effect. And so this is the research basically as summed up this way, we all think we do better than we do. We think we’re better drivers. We think we’re better conversationalists. We think we’re better friends. So one of the first places you might want to reach out to as far as just maybe some reflection if you desire to be a better leader, right? A better salesperson, better sales manager, reach out to three trusted friends that you know have your back. And what I mean by that, when they give you feedback, it’s not going to be full of I gotcha, I’m superior. They truly want you to be better because then they may point out some things that you’re not even aware of. And then those can be the things that you can sit and reflect on, start visualizing yourself being that type of person. So for me, I have had to do a lot of visualization thinking on patience because I’m not a patient person. I had to do a lot of thinking, reflecting on my temperament because I can go from zero to a hundred. And all of a sudden, the person that’s written a book on emotional intelligence is acting really like a big jerk.

So I had to become aware of, okay, what triggers me that brings out the jerk in me and then makes me say or do something that I regret, and sometimes you can’t mend. So I would say simply where did you get triggered? Was I the trigger? And then look for those outside colleagues that can point out some blind spots to you in a loving way.

Jenn DeWall:

Oh my gosh. And I think that’s so important because I, too, was laughing during that because I think my husband, if he was listening to this, would say, that’s exactly what my wife needs to work on. She needs to be more patient. She needs to do that. But I think, you know, really thinking about it in terms of before you hit that point of no return or before you can’t mend it, I even a few weeks ago, went out to dinner with some girlfriends, and it was just three of us, and we wanted to eat outside, but because of the pandemic, they won’t see you outside until you have your full party was there. And my friend was over a half-hour late. And in my head, I knew I had that leadership perspective of, okay, like, it’s okay, that she’s late. It’s not a big deal. It’s not a big deal. Cause my trigger is lateness.

Colleen Stanley:

Me too! That, that must be a Midwest thing.

Know Your Triggers

Jenn DeWall:

And, of course, when she showed up a half-hour late, I was such a jerk. I honestly, admittedly was such a jerk, and I was like, Steph, come on. And then I just felt horrible. And I, of course, apologize to her profusely. I apologize to her, you know, a few days later because I know that’s not how I want to show up. But I think again, just reminding ourselves that we’ve got to continue to work on our triggers, time will always be a trigger for me. I don’t have to be a jerk just because of that. I don’t have to be responsive to it just because it’s my trigger. I get to choose that. How in the heck did you get to like calm down and be like, okay, all right, I’m not going to go there. Like, what are some of the things that maybe you, that help you in addition to doing the self-awareness? Is there, are there any other tricks that you’ve done?

Colleen Stanley:

Well, one of the things, when you’re triggered, is actually what I call the neural science of emotion management, and do know it’s an actual physiological response that your body is sending you into. So when your friend is late, you start telling yourself a story, and the story might be, you know what? My time is just as important as hers. I don’t know who she thinks she is. You know, she’s always late. She doesn’t respect us—what a moron. I don’t care what the story, but that story triggers your reptilian brain. And at that point, that is the part of your brain that doesn’t have sound judgment, problem-solving logical, rational reasoning. So you’ve just, you’ve got to move it out of there. So the first one is recognizing when you’re getting triggered. So for me, it starts happening right here. I can feel it right there, and I have to pause.

And then there’s a couple of tools you can use. One is simply to state the emotion you’re feeling. I’m feeling disrespected. Now you don’t stay there and ruminate cause that gets you more upset. I’m feeling disrespected by stating the emotion you’re feeling. It’ll move that thinking to the prefrontal cortex, where you can start applying logic, rational reasoning. And what you might’ve done in this case is say, okay, this will be the time to have the conversation. But at this is a friend of yours that’s consistently late. You have a couple of choices. Number one, you give her a false deadline. There are they just I don’t know what it is. You give them a false deadline. And then you know that they’re going to show up at the appropriate time. You might tell yourself a different story. I hope she didn’t get in an accident or Wow, this is unlike her to be late.

So then you start applying empathy and compassion. So if you can get yourself to the logical, you could either start making some decisions. This isn’t a good time to address, but I will use my assertiveness next week to call her again. Habitual lateness starts becoming a decision. And frankly, I’ve had some people that I quit trying to meet them for things or set the half-hour or even 45 minutes early and had them waiting for me. So there’s some in that, not to be passive-aggressive, but just that’s how late they were. So it’s some decisions to make there, but you can make them from a logical, rational point of view.

Jenn DeWall:

Yeah. And that’s so important to think about when you are triggered at the moment. Because I, I can go back to my twenties and when maybe I felt like a dig at work, or I felt like I was not enough, whatever, that was, how, you know, anytime that someone was maybe because I’m a perfectionist by trade, right? So anytime that someone maybe had a better idea or was perceived as smarter than me, then that was a trigger. And so then I just started to question my worth. I also started to live in that place of competition, but what do they have versus me? And I mean, again, I’m not proud of any of this, but I really liked the approach of understanding that you’re triggered. It’s okay to be triggered, but we’ve got to shift that to a logical thought process because you’re also going to feel that emotional hangover that comes from responding poorly. Right. And no one wants to feel that way. I don’t want to feel crappy because I didn’t say something kind to someone. That’s not a good way to spend my time or energy.

Beware of Falling into Judgement

Colleen Stanley:

Yes, yes. And, you know, I, I think what’s important is none of us like to be judged. And yet, I know for myself, I can fall into judgment very quickly. So judgment then can set whether you say anything or not. They know you’ve got an opinion about what was just said, done, not done. And so one of the things is to become aware of when you’re judging for me, I judge people in areas where I’m strong, and they’re not as strong. And that can actually be a form of arrogance. Right? And so for both of us, we’re probably pretty good at time management. We were lucky. We either had it modeled or taught whatever that gift was. I have seen people in life that are just lousy at organization, and they could attend every time management course in the world. So that’s where sometimes watch the judgment, and it put in maybe other boundaries, which are going to be acceptable to you.

So again, when I find myself walking into judgment, I just then turned to the what’s the story I’m telling myself, is there a new story now, remember for everybody listening today, this does not mean you “let people off the hook.” See, that’s the biggest worry people have when you’re talking about emotion management and empathy. But what it does mean is when you’re going to have the crucial, I guess, you know, the crucial, crucial coaching conversations, sales conversation, you can have it in a manner that you can very much set expectations. You can state your observations of what you’ve been seeing or not seeing. You can be assertive, and you can apply empathy. So you can use a nice combination of hard skills and soft skills, but you still lay out the expectations, and you can layout consequences. So remember the soft skills don’t mean that you do not set expectations of how you expect to be treated. How you expect someone to perform at work is just that you’re able to deliver it in a manner that you feel good about it afterward.

And they feel good. Even if initially, when somebody is receiving feedback, nobody really likes that. They all say they do. They don’t. We all have that ego that that gets in the way. But somebody that’s self-aware 30 minutes an hour later, they’ll say, you know what? Jenn was right. And those are the people you want on your team. The excuse-makers that literally never hear anything you say, even if you deliberate it brilliantly, that’s when you’ve got to make a decision as a sales leader or a leader, is this the person that I need on my team, that’s going to help us win the future.

Jenn DeWall:

I think that’s really great, like an important point. You’re not just letting people off the hook by handling it in a more productive way. Right. We think, well, if we’re not as firm and aggressive, then they’re not getting the point. They get the point. Like you can address it through boundaries and expectations.

Colleen Stanley:

Right. And you know, I think I think Stephen Covey was the person that said I was started using the analogy of building a- you’ve got a relationship bank account. So as a good sales leader, if you put a lot of deposits into somebody’s account, but now it’s time to have the coaching conversation. Because even with good people, you are going to have to have some type of anybody in a friendship, marriage long-term relationship. You’ve had those conversations. And so I remember when I was back in corporate, and I mean you and I sound very similar. I mean, I’m 30, I’m a bull in a China shop, but I will tell you, as a worker, my intuition was generally right. And so I think I was lucky to have these mentors and bosses that probably got behind closed doors and went, okay, who’s going to talk to her this week?

Right. And my boss and mentor, I remember going in for my yearly review, we had had a great year. I think we’d had 30% growth. I’m thinking easy peasy. And it was the toughest review I’ve ever received because Kline Boyd was a man that modeled treat others the way you want to be treated. And so what he had noted in my thirties being this hard-charging, hard-working, love the company. He said, Colleen, you’re coming into the office every morning. I never doubt your work ethic. You’re in here early. But I got to tell you. You don’t look left. You don’t look right. When you go to the restroom, you don’t say hi to anyone. That’s got to stop. And I’m like, what do you mean? I am giving my blood for this company. But what he was pointing out is I was becoming very task-oriented and not people-oriented. And that wasn’t working for him regardless of the results I was bringing in.

Jenn DeWall:

Oh my gosh, you and I are really like. I think of the conversation where I had a boss at the time. And Dave is like, Jenn, your passion- unbeatable, your drive- unbeatable. But you’ve got, and they were like, you’ve got to calm it down. Cause I would be so emotionally responsive to things. So if, if I was frustrated, there was no doubt that you could tell that I was frustrated. And you know, it’s understanding the power, like understanding the power for good. I know that we don’t have a lot of time, and I do really want to hit on this important topic because you are in the sales space, and you are in emotional intelligence, and we’re all in the middle of a pandemic. How do we even begin to navigate this? Because it’s seeming more and more likely that we’re going to be navigating this for a little bit longer than maybe what we anticipated. So how can you navigate sales and emotional intelligence in the face of the pandemic?

Sales Leadership Requires an Internal Locus of Control

Colleen Stanley:

So for sales leaders and leaders, I would say, let’s talk about two tools. One, I mentioned already locus of control. Because even for a highly optimistic person, you can start listening to the news, social media, your peers. This is never going to get better. This is never going to go away. And so what I suggest to people focus on what you can control. So in our business, we had to flip a lot of it, almost all of it to a virtual instructor-led, but we can control how good we do that. We practiced on it. We bought and purchased the equipment. I’ve hired a couple of coaches to become very good. I can control that piece. I can’t control when the pandemic is going to be over. I can control doing more activity, better activity. I can control practicing more, getting better at my craft. So locus of control is focusing on what you can control versus what you can’t control.

I would say the second thing, get some sleep, people. What I’m finding is, and I don’t think people recognize that for you to bring a, you know, just a really productive salesperson or sales leader. I am much better when I am rested. And this goes back to neuroscience. A rested brain can think clearly. A rested brain is creative. And you know, if you’re going to make it and succeed through the pandemic, it takes clarity. It takes creativity. How do we do this? How do we do it better? How do we do it differently? And then the other thing is I would say in building that resiliency muscle, go back to self-awareness and watch the self-talk. Because out of the world of positive psychology, it’s easy for us to forget. The pandemic is temporary. This is not permanent. And so I- Paul Stoltz wrote a book and actually talked about it in my book here. So I want to give him some credit. It’s called The Adversity Quotient. And he talks about temporary versus permanent. So let’s say the pandemic was permanent. Now it’s not going to be then what could you control about that? The attitude, how I go about life? What do I need to do differently? So watch your self-talk because temporary means this too will pass. Permanent thinking is that’s what gets people depressed? And frankly, starts really making them incapable of taking the right actions and doing the right things. So those would be three tips I’d give.

Jenn DeWall:

Yeah, those are great tips. I mean, I love, I especially love that last one because I think recognizing every single day that we have a choice, we have a choice in our thoughts. We have a choice in our actions, and our sleep, and how we communicate with people. And even if we do have a misstep, we can always make a different choice. Recognizing that choices are always there. That’s the one thing that, you know, we can control. You just hit on so many great, valuable things.

Colleen Stanley:

And this was a coaching tip that leaders, sales leaders. So leaders, in general, is what part of this do you need to own? When something is not going the right way, easy to slip into the blame game. What part of this do you need to own? Because see, when people lack ownership, that’s when they move into learned helplessness, blame, excuses, and nothing changes there. So what do you need to own? What can you do to change, improve? What’s good about this, change your coaching question, and you’ll get people to change their focus, their perspective, and then the ensuing actions they take.

What is Your Leadership Habit for Success?

Jenn DeWall:

Yes! Okay. Oh my gosh, Coleen. I don’t want this to end, but unfortunately, I know it has to. I want to keep talking to you about this, but I’m going to wrap up with our closing question that we always ask everyone, which is, what is your leadership habit for success?

Colleen Stanley:

Well, I think everyone just heard it throughout,  and mine is carving out that quiet time. So I would say it’s carving out the quiet time, getting enough sleep, and I get outdoors in nature and exercise. So yes, I do a ton of reading on sales, sales, leadership, psychology, but I will tell you if I if physiologically and mentally, I’m not showing up in the right way to the game, none of that great knowledge I’m learning can be applied, taught or shared.

Jenn DeWall:

Gosh, that’s a great closing insight, Colleen. Thank you so much for sharing your expertise, your experience, all the research that you’ve done. You know, is investing in your craft. Thank you so much for bringing that to our audience. It was such a pleasure to have you on the show today.

Colleen Stanley:

Thank you, Jenn. You’ve been a great host, as always.

Jenn DeWall:

Thank you so much for listening to this week’s episode of the leadership habit podcast. If you enjoy Colleen, go out and get her book, Emotional Intelligence for Sales Success, or Emotional Intelligence for Sales Leadership. Of course, you can contact her at her website SalesLeadershipDevelopment.com. If you enjoyed this, go ahead and send that over to your friend. Share it on LinkedIn. We want to help the world be better leaders. And of course, don’t forget to write us a review on your favorite podcast streaming service. Thank you so much for tuning in. We’re grateful for you. Have a great day.

 

The post Episode 49: Emotional Intelligence for Sales Leadership with Colleen Stanley appeared first on Crestcom International.