Small Talk & Overwhelm: Is Dating Different When You Have ADHD? With Logan Ury
Apr 2, 2025
auto_awesome
Logan Ury, Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science and a bestselling author, explores the unique dating challenges faced by those with ADHD. She delves into the struggles of small talk and analysis paralysis, revealing why these are particularly tricky for neurodiverse daters. Practical strategies for fostering deeper connections and navigating overwhelming conversations are shared. Logan also touches on the importance of meaningful interactions over superficial ones, aiming to help individuals with ADHD thrive in the dating scene.
Individuals with ADHD often face challenges in consistent communication during dating, leading to misunderstandings and feelings of isolation.
Small talk is particularly difficult for people with ADHD, who benefit from more engaging conversation starters and setting clear communication expectations.
Deep dives
Challenges of Communication for Daters with ADHD
Individuals with ADHD often struggle with consistent communication in dating scenarios, as they can get easily distracted and overwhelmed. Research indicated that 43% of daters with ADHD frequently forget to respond to matches, leading to misunderstandings where potential partners perceive this as a lack of interest. This phenomenon, termed 'misunderstood matches,' contributes to feelings of isolation and frustration for those navigating the dating landscape. Recognizing these challenges is crucial for both neurodiverse individuals and their partners to foster a better understanding of each other's communication styles.
The Difficulty of Small Talk
Small talk poses particular challenges for individuals with ADHD in early dating, as they tend to prefer engaging in deeper, more meaningful conversations. Typical introductory questions can feel repetitive and tedious, leading to disinterest and disengagement from the conversation. Research shows that daters with ADHD are significantly more likely to find small talk difficult, with 31% expressing dislike for it. This inclination may not be exclusive to neurodiverse individuals, as many people experience fatigue from routine conversation starters.
Strategies for More Meaningful Conversations
To navigate the challenges of small talk, individuals with ADHD can implement strategies to foster more engaging interactions. Including specific interests or unique prompts in their dating profiles can encourage potential matches to initiate meaningful discussions. Additionally, preparing a list of thought-provoking questions can help daters steer conversations away from mundane topics and onto subjects they are passionate about. By taking these proactive steps, individuals can create a dialogue that promotes deeper connections right from the start.
The Importance of Setting Expectations
Setting clear expectations about communication preferences from the outset can significantly alleviate misunderstandings in dating. Daters with ADHD can benefit from being upfront about their communication styles, such as informing matches that they may not always be responsive due to other commitments. Moving conversations to platforms where they are more actively engaged, like texting, can also ease communication challenges. These strategies not only mitigate potential disconnects but also create a more transparent dating environment where all parties can feel understood.
How do you go with small talk, keeping the conversation going and not feeling overwhelmed by matches and messages? Do you ever wonder how the people you’re matching with perceive you? I felt all of the above. I hated small talk and found it incredibly boring, I was constantly overwhelmed by the expectation to reply if I hadn’t checked my messages in a little while and I was always worried that I would appear ‘too intense’ to the people I had matched with and I tried to tone myself down so that they wouldn’t be scared off.
Hinge recently conducted some research into dating and ADHD! They examined over 9000 daters on Hinge across the world with a clinical ADHD diagnosis to get a bit of a read of the room on how dating can affect us. Joining the podcast is Logan Ury; Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science. She’s a behavioural scientist turned dating coach and the author of the best-selling dating book, How to Not Die Alone.
In today’s episode we talk:
What people with ADHD tend to struggle with on the apps
Why small talk is a huge hurdle for people with ADHD
How to avoid small talk
Masking and being scared of being viewed as ‘weird’ or unusual
Shift vs support responses. What they are and how it will REALLY help people with ADHD