608: Parents Just Don't Understand

The notes I read from:

Yesterday my mom suggested I move away from the city if it makes me feel so bad. Last week my dad reaffirmed that he wouldn't appear on the podcast without some vague conditions he was using my invitation to cajole me into.

To move away from the problem is exactly the opposite of my mission. Nearly everyone else identifies my work as helping the world, even if they don't see the underlying beauty, harmony, etc I do, but my parents get annoyed.

Why the discrepancy?

They love and support their son, or something pretty close to me. How is it that my sharing my mission with them results in misunderstanding?

Pivotal life moment: manager suggested sharing problems

Growing up we didn't expose problems. If conflict, talking about it was the problem.

People just are that way. Each person is just that way. You just have to work around them. But above all, don't mention any conflict.

When I did, I have memories of my dad bellowing with anger. My mom would more play the martyr and imply the person bringing up the problem hurt her. After all, if no one brought it up, she wouldn't feel bad.

So I learned not to expose conflict. All those years I let it fester. Sad at the relationships I lost.

Then learned how to manage conflict.

Then learned to manage emotions, learning the difference between a given emotion, even one I didn't like--like say anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, guilt, shame, insecurity--and suffering or misery, which to me are like meta-emotions. I can feel shame but not misery, which allows me to face shame and act on it.

I haven't seen that self-awareness in my parents. Once they feel the emotion they don't like, that situation is bad. The way out is to change the subject.

Other huge life interest: nature

Conservation of energy is beautiful

I don't remember my parents showing any interest for science or nature. They supported it, but I don't think it means anything to them. I can't imagine they understand a differential equation let alone see the profound beauty in it.

So as I understand them, they can make no sense in working on sustainability.

To bring up at that time that others are suffering for our decisions makes them feel bad. Why not just talk about relatives and who's doing what?

From their views, I'm talking about something abstract that makes them feel bad. The possibility of seeing beauty or changing culture is, as best I can tell, beyond them.

I've described myself like Meathead, the son-in-law in All in the Family. He believes in equal rights across racial, sexual, and class lines. Most of us would agree with him, but he lives in Archie's house and in that house, roles were prescribed by sex, race, and class, so equality angered him.

Archie was the racist with the heart of gold, but a racist with a heart of gold is still a racist.

So while I'm Meathead, they're polluters with hearts of gold. So, still hurting people.

I'm not going to move away from the problem.

• Washington Square Park drowned in litter
• The system of slavery evolved into today's polluting system
• Nine million people a year die from breathing polluted air

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