In this episode, I have the opportunity to speak with Alan Stokes. Alan is a journalist and a Lifeline Counsellor. Listen carefully as Alan explores the way that we can become more potent while on the telephone. He shares tips and tricks for becoming more effective when listening on the phone and really getting to the heart of what is being said. We also talk about authenticity and how to be deeply empathetic to the dialogue as it happens.

We explore the role of judgement, and how it takes away from the impact of the conversation. Alan grew up in a beach family, surfing and body surfing. He always loved the escape and the silence of surfing. He also used to be a heavy drinker, when he first became a journalist. He has also struggled with mental illness which has helped define his world view and the importance of being listened to.

Today’s Topics:

Asking to have a talk instead of telling sad people to cheer up
The difference between sympathy and empathy
How reflection is giving back to someone what they have told you in meaning
How Alan asked for professional help in his forties
Problems have to be solved by the person with the problem
How conversations are heightened during phone calls
The importance of silence and the true mark of trust
Minimal encouragers or reminding the person on the line that you are there
Avoiding lecturing or making someone feel interrogated
Empowering people with open questions, such as how does it feel
How “why” questions can be loaded with judgement
Physicality and sitting in an open position and looking interested
Getting into the right mindset and being ready to listen
How Alan’s journalistic background has served him at Lifeline
Importance of bringing out the unsaid

Links and Resources:

Ring 131114 in Australia
Lifeline Australia
000 If you are in crisis

Quotes:

“If someone says they are not okay, listen acutely and sit with them as they talk.” Alan Stokes

“Don’t judge, be an empathetic shoulder that sits with someone during their pain.” Alan Stokes

“What helps the sad person is empathy and making it about them, not me or the person listening.” Alan Stokes

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