Ten Things NOT to Do In Your Faith Deconstruction - Britt Hartley | Ep. 2011
Apr 17, 2025
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Britt Hartley, author of 'No Nonsense Spirituality', dives into the intricacies of religious deconstruction. She highlights ten common pitfalls, like the risks of opening marriages too soon and the so-called 'psychedelic trap' of chasing spiritual highs. Parenting without traditional beliefs is another key topic, emphasizing the need for clear structure. Hartley shares insights on personal identity loss and the importance of community support, along with reflections on dating in the modern world. Her candid approach offers valuable guidance for anyone navigating life after faith.
The deconstruction journey is a lifelong process that transcends the initial crisis, encouraging continual self-exploration and questioning of beliefs.
Impulsive decisions, such as opening relationships or substance use after leaving religion, can lead to regret without sufficient emotional readiness.
Acknowledging the positive aspects of prior religious structures can facilitate healthier frameworks for personal growth in a secular context.
Imposing new beliefs on others during deconstruction can create alienation, emphasizing the importance of respecting each individual's unique journey.
Deep dives
The Continuous Journey of Deconstruction
Deconstruction should be an ongoing process that extends beyond one’s initial faith crisis. It is essential to recognize that exiting a belief system, like Mormonism, is not a definitive endpoint; rather, it marks the beginning of continual self-exploration and understanding. Engaging in this lifelong journey allows individuals to identify and reassess outdated beliefs, enabling personal growth and evolution over time. Thus, embracing curiosity and a willingness to question one’s beliefs can foster deeper insights and encourage ongoing transformation.
Navigating New Experiences Post-Deconstruction
The transition from a structured religious environment can lead to impulsive decisions, such as engaging in open relationships or experimenting with alcohol, often without adequate preparation or understanding. Many individuals exiting faith-based communities may feel a sense of urgency to explore their newfound freedoms, sometimes resulting in unhealthy choices they later regret. It's important for those in the deconstruction phase to approach new experiences with mindfulness and reflection, ensuring they fully understand the implications of their actions. Developing emotional and communication skills before diving into new relationships or lifestyle changes is crucial for a healthy transition.
The Importance of a Balanced Perspective on Religion
It is vital to acknowledge both the benefits and drawbacks of religious structures in one's life post-deconstruction. While many individuals may feel a sense of liberation upon leaving their faith, dismissing all aspects of religion can hinder the recognition of valuable community, moral teachings, and rites of passage these structures provide. Understanding that these elements can serve as building blocks for emerging identities allows individuals to create healthier frameworks for their lives. This balanced perspective encourages people to harness the positive aspects of their past while striving for personal growth in a secular context.
Avoiding the 'Missionary Mindset' of Atheism
Ex-Mormons may carry over a missionary zeal into their post-religious lives, often attempting to persuade others to adopt their newfound beliefs or skepticism. This impulse can arise from a genuine desire to share the freedoms they've discovered, yet can result in alienation and frustration for both themselves and others. It's crucial for individuals in the deconstruction process to recognize that everyone’s journey is distinct and that trying to impose views on others can be counterproductive. Acknowledging that every person’s experience and path deserve respect fosters an environment where growth and understanding can flourish.
Recognizing the Dangers of Sexual Exploration Post-Faith
Many who exit high-demand religions experience a newfound curiosity about sexuality, often leading to unhealthy exploration without proper education or emotional readiness. This desire can manifest as impulsivity, resulting in engaging in non-monogamous relationships or other sexual practices before fully understanding the implications of those choices. A lack of adequate sexual education within religious frameworks can contribute to this recklessness, emphasizing the importance of seeking resources and guidance when navigating new sexual experiences. Engaging with therapists or educators can provide the necessary skills to approach these areas responsibly.
The Role of Community in Secular Spaces
Post-religious communities still require connection, support, and belonging similar to those found within religious organizations. Individuals who leave structured faith systems may initially struggle to find fulfilling social structures that meet their emotional and communal needs. Building new connections can involve creating rituals, shared experiences, and open conversations about personal growth in the secular realm. Acknowledging that spiritual and emotional connections can still thrive outside organized religion is essential to establishing a supportive network in one’s new life.
The Challenge of Replacing Established Frameworks
Transitioning from a religious framework to secular living can be daunting, as individuals must recreate systems of meaning, purpose, and connection from scratch. While religious structures come with built-in community, guidance, and rites of passage, it is essential to recognize the effort required to establish new systems post-deconstruction. Understanding that this process takes time and intentionality helps mitigate feelings of overwhelm or disorientation. Moreover, individuals can benefit from actively seeking out resources, tools, and new social circles to help create a supportive environment during this transition.
In this episode, we explore 10 common pitfalls people face during religious deconstruction. From navigating relationships and parenting outside of organized religion to the challenges of psychedelics, intellectualism, and identity loss—this is a raw, honest conversation about life after faith. Whether you're just beginning your journey or deep in it, this discussion offers insight, validation, and guidance.
Key topics covered:
Why opening your marriage right after leaving religion may backfire
How to provide structure for your kids without religion
The psychedelic trap & chasing spiritual highs
The “missionary phase” of ex-belief systems
Finding meaning beyond religion, without clinging to new dogmas
The lifelong process of deconstruction
And much more, including Gen Z dating, chakras, free will, and dreams
Don’t miss her reflections on what she’s learned, what to avoid, and how to move forward with integrity and openness.
