Welcome to The Nonlinear Library, where we use Text-to-Speech software to convert the best writing from the Rationalist and EA communities into audio. This is: My Lament to EA, published by kta on May 3, 2024 on The Effective Altruism Forum.
I am dealing with repetitive strain injury and don't foresee being able to really respond to any comments (I'm surprised with myself that I wrote all of this without twitching forearms lol!)
I'm a little hesitant to post this, but I thought I should be vulnerable. Honestly, I'm relieved that I finally get to share my voice. I know some people may want me to discuss this privately - but that might not be helpful to me, as I know (by personal and indirect experience) that some community issues in EA have been tried to be silenced by the very people who were meant to help.
And to be honest, the fear of criticizing EA is something I have disliked about EA - I've been behind the scenes enough to know that despite being well-intentioned, criticizing EA (especially openly) can privately get you excluded from opportunities and circles, often even silently. This is an internal battle I've had with EA for a while (years). Still, I thought by sharing my experiences I can add to the ongoing discourse in the community.
Appreciation and disillusionment
I want to start by saying I have many lovely friends and colleagues in the movement whom I deeply respect. You know who you are. :) My thoughts here are not generalized to the whole movement itself - just some problems I feel most have failed to recognize enough, stemming from specific experiences. I think more effort should be made to address these issues, or at least to consider them as the movement is built.
I joined EA in university (five years ago), thrilled to see an actual movement work on problems I thought were important in a way that I thought was important. I dove in, thinking I finally found the group of people I so wanted to find since grade school - a bunch of cool, intelligent, kind, altruistic nerds and geeks! And for a while, it was good. I met my ex-partner there (which was good for a while) and some good friends.
I'm happy thinking I made an impact over the past few years and learned so much about myself and how to be more mature and intelligent. I also have a lot of gratitude for this movement for teaching me so much and for shaping who I am today.
However, throughout the years, I became more disillusioned and saddened due to systemic issues within the movement - how it was structured in a way that allowed for a lot of negative things to happen, despite how much people really brainstormed and tried for it not to. I've experienced many degrading things I wish on no one directly because of EA. (Some of these experiences I mainly wish to keep private out of respect for some.)
Despite my efforts to enter the community and work hard, I burned out, physically, professionally, and personally. And it's taken such a toll on me that for a while I did not fully recognize who I was anymore. I definitely think a lot of me was consumed by hurt and negativity, and I'm working on that.
I've actually distanced myself from my local group for the longest time because I felt a select of them (not all!) were toxic and mean - I mainly stayed there to protect and support someone, but unfortunately was betrayed multiple times by them, and I wish I left earlier. (I send them love and light now.)
So, while I've had many great, eye-opening experiences and have made many amazing friends through EA, I don't think my positive feelings are enough anymore for me to fully stay in it for a while. Instead, I will focus on my specific cause area and research field. (I acknowledge it might tie into EA sometimes and I accept that). This has not been an easy realization, nor one reached hastily, but after considerable reflection on the negative impacts these issues have had on my well-being.
The following are non-exhaustive.
Specific challenges
When it has been uncomfort...
I am dealing with repetitive strain injury and don't foresee being able to really respond to any comments (I'm surprised with myself that I wrote all of this without twitching forearms lol!)
I'm a little hesitant to post this, but I thought I should be vulnerable. Honestly, I'm relieved that I finally get to share my voice. I know some people may want me to discuss this privately - but that might not be helpful to me, as I know (by personal and indirect experience) that some community issues in EA have been tried to be silenced by the very people who were meant to help.
And to be honest, the fear of criticizing EA is something I have disliked about EA - I've been behind the scenes enough to know that despite being well-intentioned, criticizing EA (especially openly) can privately get you excluded from opportunities and circles, often even silently. This is an internal battle I've had with EA for a while (years). Still, I thought by sharing my experiences I can add to the ongoing discourse in the community.
Appreciation and disillusionment
I want to start by saying I have many lovely friends and colleagues in the movement whom I deeply respect. You know who you are. :) My thoughts here are not generalized to the whole movement itself - just some problems I feel most have failed to recognize enough, stemming from specific experiences. I think more effort should be made to address these issues, or at least to consider them as the movement is built.
I joined EA in university (five years ago), thrilled to see an actual movement work on problems I thought were important in a way that I thought was important. I dove in, thinking I finally found the group of people I so wanted to find since grade school - a bunch of cool, intelligent, kind, altruistic nerds and geeks! And for a while, it was good. I met my ex-partner there (which was good for a while) and some good friends.
I'm happy thinking I made an impact over the past few years and learned so much about myself and how to be more mature and intelligent. I also have a lot of gratitude for this movement for teaching me so much and for shaping who I am today.
However, throughout the years, I became more disillusioned and saddened due to systemic issues within the movement - how it was structured in a way that allowed for a lot of negative things to happen, despite how much people really brainstormed and tried for it not to. I've experienced many degrading things I wish on no one directly because of EA. (Some of these experiences I mainly wish to keep private out of respect for some.)
Despite my efforts to enter the community and work hard, I burned out, physically, professionally, and personally. And it's taken such a toll on me that for a while I did not fully recognize who I was anymore. I definitely think a lot of me was consumed by hurt and negativity, and I'm working on that.
I've actually distanced myself from my local group for the longest time because I felt a select of them (not all!) were toxic and mean - I mainly stayed there to protect and support someone, but unfortunately was betrayed multiple times by them, and I wish I left earlier. (I send them love and light now.)
So, while I've had many great, eye-opening experiences and have made many amazing friends through EA, I don't think my positive feelings are enough anymore for me to fully stay in it for a while. Instead, I will focus on my specific cause area and research field. (I acknowledge it might tie into EA sometimes and I accept that). This has not been an easy realization, nor one reached hastily, but after considerable reflection on the negative impacts these issues have had on my well-being.
The following are non-exhaustive.
Specific challenges
When it has been uncomfort...