The Partnership Podcast Shadowboxing Through Conflict: How We Avoided Fusion, Isolation & Old Patterns
In this episode, Lauren and Trey explore what it really looks like to shadowbox through conflict instead of slipping into fusion, isolation, or the old patterns their bodies once relied on.
They discuss Jessica Fern’s Distancer–Pursuer dance, celebrating the one who reaches for connection under stress and the one who pulls toward autonomy.
Lauren then brings up their recent train ride back from NYC and how Trey surprised them both by turning toward connection instead of shutting down. She explains how the rough start began with a taxi stopping in the middle of traffic at Penn Station, lowering Trey’s resiliency score before the conversation even began. Trey breaks down his Resiliency Check-In scale for listeners:
Resiliency Check-In:
5 = I could jump through a wall
4 = I could accomplish anything
3 = I'm good to go for the basic tasks
2 = I probably need to be in bed watching TV
1 = No, I can't do anything and I need to take a bath and go to bed
They walk through the uncomfortable minutes waiting for their train, the shadows that surfaced, and the trauma nap Lauren took as her infant self’s old coping strategy. They revisit the moment when Trey looked out the window and admitted he wanted to run away, and how choosing to stay shifted everything. They talk about why resolving things quickly to keep the peace is tempting, and why sitting in discomfort is often the more honest path.
Hours later, Lauren describes the internal battle of trying to say no, sensing her system avoid the threat of disconnection, and how Trey encouraged clarity instead of collapse. She reflects on the roots of not being able to say no in her home of origin, then shares how the Willingness and Wanting Scales from their Like a Pro training helped her discover that her truth was not a simple no but a yes with limits or a yes if that.
Lauren closes with pride in the way they shadowboxed on the train with tenderness and skill. Trey shares why walking is still his favorite way to have hard conversations and why trains will probably never be his preferred arena for relational growth.
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About Us: Lauren and Trey are partners living in Central Virginia where Lauren owns and operates, SEX ED FOR YOU. She provides comprehensive sexuality education and embodied coaching to individuals, partners, and parents.
Through a biopsychosocial approach, Sex Ed for You works to restore positive and respectful approaches to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as increase the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. (WHO)
Sexual health is fundamental to the overall health and well-being of individuals, couples and families, and to the social and economic development of communities and countries. (WHO) When individuals are blocked from sexual health they are stunted from developing a sense of sensual play and enjoyment.
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Reminders: This is not a "how to" podcast, but rather a "how they" podcast. Please listen to our opinions and then come to your own! Learn from our mistakes or give our techniques a try! It’s all up to you. Lauren is NOT a therapist. She is a Certified Holistic Sexuality Educator and Embodied Intimacy and Relationship Coach.