"My lack of integrity has left me feeling as though I am an empty vessel. I have a strong aversion to sharing my honest thoughts with both family and friends. Whether these thoughts are benign or whether they are 'harsh truths', I feel anxious in admitting to either.
"I am reluctant to express discontent with the members of my family. In the past I have gone so far as to admit to my mother that I feel no love for her, and yet even today I still express my love to her through what I feel are merely platitudes. Specifically in this case, it feels as though expressing the truth of my feelings toward her has had no bearing on how our relationship has changed over time.
"I have drifted from your show in the past when I felt as though I was finding success in relationships or was developing a more honest sense of self. However, in the wake of the premature ending of a recent relationship, it's becoming more difficult to avoid confronting my patterns of behavior.
"I do struggle with vanity, which has been reinforced by an unearned sense of pride. I procrastinate exploring the opportunities that I want to explore. I believe this to be the case for two reasons: 1. From what I have experienced through trying new things, it is humbling to learn that true value comes from investment and hard work, and 2. Regardless of whatever I am pursuing, I cannot escape myself.
"The humility required to be authentic is very intimidating to me. Even now, I am craving easy answers as to how I can begin resolving my issues.
"I would very much appreciate your help in providing me with the tools necessary to take measured, achievable steps in identifying the roots of my vanity, pride, and the anxieties that scare me away from confronting them.
"I would like to provide some biographical information below:
"I am a man in my late twenties. My only sexual experience has come from a one night stand.
"I do have a small group of friends, but only feel comfortable having significant conversations with one of them.
"I am a child of divorce, and I have several siblings. Some of my siblings come from my birth mother and father, and the others come from my father's second marriage. My father is now in the process of divorcing his second wife.
"My childhood was spent in bouts of both repressed and overt anger. When I did act out, either by throwing a tantrum or destroying my own property or the property of others, steps were never taken afterwards to address the roots of my anger.
"I have seen two different talk therapists off and on over the past few years and have felt as though I have yet to get much use out of the sessions.
"I am writing to you because in the wake of my most recent relationship, I am only now recognizing how dangerously dishonest it is to not listen to my conscience and express myself in accordance with it. Furthermore, I have caught a glimpse of how continuing this behavior while in a relationship with another person is going to undermine any capacity to ever build trust.
"I am now in the process of converting to Catholicism after spending some time searching for a religious community. I grew up Protestant, but Catholic Mass is a form of worship with which I feel as though I have a legitimate connection. My goal with following a religion and participating in a community is to look beyond myself and consider the needs of others. I would like to begin the process of looking beyond myself, where I do feel the roots of my problems lie. As a person with little integrity, I have yet to fully appreciate the irony that I am joining a religion wherein one of its Sacraments is Reconciliation through the act of Confession. I admittedly recognize that the pattern of ignoring my own issues while wrapping myself in the flag of 'helping others' is present here as well.
"I want to stop using people while claiming ignorance of the consequences of my behavior in light of my 'best intentions'. Please help provide me with the tools to stop lying to myself and those in my life."
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