Psychologist Alexander discusses dating psychology, debunking misconceptions, exploring gender differences in mate selection, online men's communities, promiscuity, evolutionary perspectives, the mating crisis, and dating advice on fitness and education.
Men prioritize physical attractiveness in mate selection, often overlooking other qualities.
Women seek a holistic set of qualities in long-term partners, including stability and personality traits.
Misconceptions exist about men valuing status cues over physical attractiveness in mate selection.
Efforts in self-improvement, physical fitness, and personal growth are attractive traits in the dating realm.
Deep dives
Physical Attractiveness as a Key Criterion for Men in Mate Selection
Men prioritize physical attractiveness as a crucial factor when selecting a long-term mate, often focusing exclusively on this trait. Research on dating apps and speed dating shows that men prioritize physical beauty more than women in initial dating interactions.
Women Seek a Well-Rounded Partner for Long-Term Relationships
In contrast to men's focus on physical attractiveness, women searching for long-term mates prioritize a combination of factors, including stability, ability to provide, protect, and factors related to personality traits like kindness and trustworthiness. Studies have shown that for long-term relationships, women value a partner who embodies a holistic set of traits.
Misconceptions About What Men and Women Desire
Women often overestimate the importance of status cues like education and resources in mate selection, assuming that men highly value these traits. In reality, men prioritize physical attractiveness more, while women value a combination of physical traits, stability, and personality attributes. Men's tendency to focus on attractiveness over other factors can lead to misconceptions about women's preferences.
Need for Effort and Self-Improvement in Dating
Efforts such as self-improvement, physical fitness, and working on personal development are widely acknowledged as attractive traits for men in the dating realm. While disagreements may exist on certain beliefs, emphasizing personal growth and physical attractiveness are common themes across various dating subcultures.
Maximizing Physical Attractiveness for Dating Success
Maximizing physical attractiveness is crucial for dating success. This includes hitting the gym to get physically fit, taking care of appearance, such as fixing hair, wearing makeup, or getting braces if needed. Research consistently shows that physical attractiveness plays a significant role in online dating and relationship outcomes.
Pro-Social Behavior and Education as Status Boosters
Behaving in pro-social ways and pursuing education can boost status and attractiveness in the dating scene. Pro-social behavior is linked to higher status and more successful relationships for both men and women. Obtaining a degree significantly increases matches on dating apps, highlighting the importance of educational attainment in dating.
Expanding Social Circles and Engaging in Group Activities
Building larger friend groups and engaging in group activities that involve both men and women can enhance chances of meeting potential partners. Social isolation, small friend groups, and lack of contact with the opposite sex can hinder dating success. Participating in hobbies or sports that involve mixed-gender groups can improve social interactions.
Navigating Changes in Dating Trends and Self-Improvement
Recognizing and adapting to changing dating trends, such as increased risk aversion and declining sex rates among young people, is essential. Focusing on self-improvement, maintaining physical fitness, engaging in pro-social behavior, pursuing education, and expanding social circles are key strategies for navigating the complexities of modern dating and enhancing relationship outcomes.
Alexander is a psychologist and science communicator. He is best known for his deep dives into the literature on human mating and his nuanced critiques of popular misconceptions about dating. In this data-driven discussion, he talks to Macken about what men and women actually want and what people generally get wrong about dating, before diving into a variety of topics including the Manosphere, the “mating crisis,” hypergamy, and bodycount, among others.
Alexander is @datepsych on Twitter, where he runs online studies and produces fascinating threads on mating. He also runs a popular blog, datepsychology.com, and is increasingly popular on YouTube, @alex.datepsych.
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