How Do You Cope With Loss?

Welcome to episode 39 of The Way Out Is In: The Zen Art of Living, a podcast series mirroring Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh’s deep teachings of Buddhist philosophy: a simple yet profound methodology for dealing with our suffering, and for creating more happiness and joy in our lives.

For the first time, the presenters, Zen Buddhist monk Brother Phap Huu and journalist Jo Confino, haven’t picked a topic – instead, they are responding to questions from you, the listeners! 

In the spirit of Plum Village and its Zen tradition of public Q and A sessions, the two presenters encounter a wide range of topics, from light-hearted ones, like an appreciation of Vietnamese soup, watching the World Cup in the monastery, and other joyful moments in the community, to heavier ones such as anger; honoring grief; transformation; vulnerability; the fear of losing somebody precious and the preciousness of time; changing the narrative about happiness; interbeing; practicing mindfulness in schools; and the aspiration of love. 

Their responses include practical examples and draw on both personal experiences and wisdom from the Buddhist Sutras and Thay’s teachings, like the Five Remembrances and the Four Noble Truths.  

To give you a taste of this episode, here are some of the questions covered: How do monks and nuns remain mindful while taking care of many children during the summer retreat? How can we cope with people we find difficult? How can we practice forgiveness when we have been badly hurt? Does anger have a purpose? Do Zen monks engage in any forms of entertainment, or is life a big stage with lay people as the entertainment? How can we be compassionate, forgiving, and open to people while also protecting ourselves? 

Oh, and any ideas why monastics shave their hair?

The episode ends with a short meditation guided by Brother Phap Huu.

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Co-produced by the Plum Village App:
https://plumvillage.app/

And Global Optimism:
https://globaloptimism.com/ 

With support from the Thich Nhat Hanh Foundation:
https://thichnhathanhfoundation.org/

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List of resources

The Happy Farm
https://thehappyfarm.org/ 

The Plum Village hamlets
https://plumvillage.org/about/plum-village/hamlet/ 

Sister Chan Khong
https://plumvillage.org/about/sister-chan-khong/ 

Rains Retreat
https://plumvillage.org/retreats/info/rains-retreat-2022/ 

Karuṇā
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karu%E1%B9%87%C4%81 

Sutras: ‘Discourse on the 5 Ways of Putting an End to Anger’
https://plumvillage.org/library/sutras/discourse-on-the-five-ways-of-putting-an-end-to-anger/ 

The Way Out Is In: ‘Meditating on Death (Episode #26)’
https://plumvillage.org/podcast/meditating-on-death-episode-26/ 

Śāriputra
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C5%9A%C4%81riputra 

Dharma Talks: ‘True Love and the Four Noble Truths’
https://plumvillage.org/library/dharma-talks/true-love-and-the-four-noble-truths/ 

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Quotes

“Present moment, precious moment.” 

“The very fact of awareness is the start of change.” 

“Be mindful of your capacity. How much can you love? How much suffering can you handle? And how ready are you to face that difficulty? And it’s not about neglecting, it’s about identifying and then making sure that we are developing our stability to continue to generate the energy of love and compassion. So the beauty that I hear in all of these questions is the aspiration to love.” 

“We have to be mindful of our grief. Grief is an expression of vulnerability also. And what I’ve learned from the passing of my own teacher is that vulnerability and grief is also an expression of love. We feel loss, and we feel empty, and we feel such sadness because there was true love in that relationship.”

“Whenever I’m with the children, I have to shift gears; I have to tap into their energy and tap into who they are. And that is your practice. Your mindfulness is the mindfulness of the children. So remove your expectation that they have to sit in stillness.”

“Compassion is a very powerful energy. But to have compassion, we have to have understanding. So we have to see the person suffering and understand why they behave in such a way, even though it is so, so bitter.” 

“I want to recognize the suffering, see the root of the suffering, and then transform the suffering. And that clarity can offer kindness. So anger is an emotion that, in Buddhism, we see as a hindrance to our liberation; it’s not just negative, but that energy provides more wrong action than right action.”

“If we recognize – and I love this in the teachings about this continuation – that, actually, our life doesn’t end when life ends, that the people we love are still in us, that their actions in their life, their kindness, what they’ve developed, what they’ve built, what they’ve cared about, are still with us. And to recognize that it doesn’t end; it continues and the reverberations of one person’s life go forward in so many ways. We can see and embrace that.” 

“I see you’re angry; let’s look at that anger. Can we identify why we’re angry? And then can we work on that situation, rather than working on that anger? Because sometimes when we’re angry, we don’t even know why. And so mindfulness is to become aware of the source of our anger and then to work at the source.” 

“We know that everything is impermanent. So our face will change, our skin tones will change. Our bodily form will also change. But what we can always keep alive is the love that we have, the freshness that we generate, the stability that we can offer to ourselves and to the ones that we love, as well as our calmness and stillness. And that is a beauty that you cannot buy. That’s a beauty that you can only generate through practice.” 

“The moment of meditation is actually giving us a chance to stop, feel our body, feel what is happening. Maybe we can even say we feel the emotions from all of our thinking, from all of our procrastination. And it’s different from looking deeply.”