Handling escalation: gray rock and exit

At Wirecutter, we have tons of advice about the practical side of the holiday season: giving gifts, preparing meals, hosting friends and family. But the emotional side of holiday gatherings can be even tougher. So, we invited Mel Robbins, host of The Mel Robbins Podcast, and author of The Let Them Theory, to walk us through her tools for keeping your cool through heated, holiday moments. 

With the holidays approaching, we ask Mel to help us navigate the harder parts of the season: tricky family dynamics, lingering childhood patterns, fraught conversations, and the pressure that comes with hosting and showing up for everyone else. Mel walks us through how to stay grounded, protect your energy, and hold firm to your boundaries—even when you’re sitting across the table from the people who test them most. 

This episode covers: 

• Breaking down The Let Them Theory. Mel walks through “let them” as a very literal tool—letting people have their opinions, their judgments, their disappointment, their expectations—and how the “let me” half shifts you back into control of your own reactions.
• Managing holiday expectations. She talks about how the holidays are about enjoying yourself and showing up as you are, not who you’re going to impress.
• Why family dynamics are hard to change—and why accepting that lowers your stress. She explains that people change when they are ready, and that wishing someone were different can entrench them further.
• What to do when someone crosses a line or won’t back down. Mel says that the best way to exit an escalating conflict is to become the most boring person in the world, or “gray rock”. Don’t fuel the fire, don’t become part of the scene that’s being caused.
• The difference between acceptance and enabling harmful behavior. Mel explains when “let them” no longer applies—specifically when someone’s views deny your identity or safety—and how boundaries shift accordingly.

Mel Loves:

• Her custom belt buckle with a photo of her children. You can see it in this photo of her for Time Magazine. She recommends finding a seller you like on etsy!

Additional reading:

• The 3 Best Meditation Apps of 2025 
• 5 Cheap(ish) Things to Improve Your Self-Care Routine 
• The Best Personalized Photo Gifts
• Samin Nosrat’s Tips for Hosting a Stress-Free Dinner Party

More Mel: 

• Instagram
• TikTok
• YouTube
• Website
• Podcast
• The Let Them Theory

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The Wirecutter Show is executive produced by Rosie Guerin and produced by Abigail Keel.Engineering support from Maddy Masiello and Nick Pitman. Episodes are mixed by Catherine Anderson, Efim Shapiro, Rowan Niemisto, Sophia Lanman, and Sonia Herrero. Original music by Dan Powell, Marion Lozano, Elisheba Ittoop, and Diane Wong. Wirecutter’s deputy publisher and general manager is Cliff Levy. Ben Frumin is Wirecutter’s editor-in-chief. Hosted by Rosie Guerin, Caira Blackwell and Christine Cyr Clisset.

Find edited transcripts for each episode here: The Wirecutter Show Podcast