Shame, Societal Norms, and Self-Change

In this episode, I’m joined by researcher, parenting coach, and author Jen Lumanlan to discuss her new book, Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection and Collaboration to Transform Your Family—and the World. I had the pleasure of reading an advance copy of Parenting Beyond Power and even though I’m not a parent, I gained a lot of valuable insight from her exploration of the connection between social justice and parenting. Jen’s book talks about the transferrence of cultural norms like white supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism from one generation to another, and offers alternative parenting strategies to help promote new norms of collaboration, equity, mutuality, and care.

Taking inspiration from conflict resolution practices like Nonviolent Communication, Jen’s book helps parents connect with the universal needs behind their children’s behaviour as well as their own parenting strategies. This fosters a much deeper and yet more flexible way to connect with children and ensures that everyone gets what they need (but not necessarily what they initially thought they wanted). It’s a simple but radical shift from the kind of power-over parenting that most of us were conditioned to think of as “normal”.

In our conversation, Jen and I dig into the way shame plays into parenting and fuels the transmission of unspoken values like white supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism (Jen also does a great job of succinctly defining what she means by these terms). Jen goes on to offer several simple tools for trying this needs-based parenting approach for the first time, and furnishes the listener with lots of helpful examples from her own experiences as a parent. I loved hearing Jen talk about the important distinction between setting boundaries and limiting a child’s behaviour, for example, and her surprising take on how often a parent would ideally be using either one of those tools.

If you’re a parent (and even if you’re not), I highly recommend checking out this thought-provoking book, Parenting Beyond Power. If you’re interested in hearing more from Jen, she is also the host of her own podcast, Your Parenting Mojo, on which I appeared last year to discuss my own book. Jen also offers courses and other events and is currently touring with her book, so she may be appearing soon at a bookstore near you!

Note: this interview was edited for clarity.