181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead
Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive
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How to Use Quote Unquote Dialogue to Help Your Child Meet Needs
When we mistake strategies for needs, we get hopelessly messed up. So when you ask your child to take out the trash, your need is not to have the trash taken out. It's for the ease and collaboration and rest that we mentioned earlier. When we understand what each of our needs are, we can find strategies that actually meet both of our needs. We don't have to control another person to get our needs met.
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Giving choices’ is a hot tool in the respectful parenting world. In the scripts, it usually goes like this:
Child: “I want a snack!”
Parent: “OK! Would you like an apple or a banana?”
Child: “A banana, please!”
And the parent hands over the banana.
But when you actually try it in your own home, it usually looks more like this:
Your child:: “I want a snack!”
You: “OK! Would you like an apple or a banana?”
Your child: “I want cookies!”
WHY IS THAT?! Why does it never ‘work’ the way it’s supposed to? Why doesn’t our child follow the script?
There’s a simple and easy reason, and in this episode I break it down - and teach you the effective tool to use instead of giving choices.
Questions this episode will answer
Why do parenting experts recommend giving choices to kids?
Giving choices is often recommended as a "magic bullet" for getting kids to cooperate. In theory, offering limited options should give kids a sense of control while still getting them to do what you want. But there's more to why this strategy often falls flat in real homes with real kids.
What happens in real life when I try giving choices to my toddler?
Scenarios in parenting books show a child happily picking a banana when offered "apple or banana." But in real life, this usually goes differently - your child wants a cookie instead! The episode reveals why this disconnect happens and how to address it.
How does giving choices change as kids get older?
With older kids, the choices we offer often become more complex and loaded with hidden expectations. For example, telling a child to "choose one physical activity" carries assumptions about what's best for them. The episode explores how these underlying messages affect your relationship with your child.
Should I use choices to motivate my child to do homework?
When we say things like "Do homework now and you'll be able to get screen time sooner," we're not really addressing what's behind the procrastination. We look at fascinating research about what procrastination actually means and why this approach misses the mark.
Why does my child never follow the script when I give them choices?
Children have their own needs and desires that don't magically disappear when we present limited options. The podcast examines how children sense when choices aren't genuine and why they push back. It's actually a healthy part of their development!
What's the connection between rewards and giving choices?
The episode makes an interesting link to research about rewards and their effects on children's motivation. There's a surprising similarity between giving choices and offering rewards that most parents never consider.
What can I do instead of giving choices that actually works?
The episode introduces a framework that works for any interaction with your child. Whether it's offering clothes to a toddler or managing a teen's screen time. This approach respects both your needs and your child's, creating more authentic collaboration.
How do I know if the choices I'm offering are helpful or harmful?
Some choices respect your child's autonomy, and some are just disguised attempts to control their behavior. The episode helps you spot the difference and adjust your approach accordingly.
Why do some children respond well to choices while others rebel?
Every child has different needs, temperament, and ways of expressing themselves. The episode explains why understanding your unique child matters more than following any specific technique or parenting script.
What you'll learn in this episode
- Why the popular parenting strategy of giving choices often fails in real life, even though parenting experts recommend it!
- The key difference between how choices work in demonstration videos versus what happens in your actual home with your kids
- How presenting limited options can actually override your child's natural self-regulation abilities
- The surprising connection between choices and motivation. Using choices to get homework done can backfire!
- How choices change and get more complicated as children grow older. Learn what adjustments to make to your technique
- The hidden agenda behind many of the choices we offer our children. Kids can sense when choices aren't genuine
- A more effective alternative framework that works for every interaction with your child. F snack time to homework to curfews, we've got you covered!
- The tool that replaces the scripts that don't work
- How to move beyond power struggles to create more authentic collaboration with your child
Do you have a child aged 1 – 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make?
Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation – but don’t know how to get it?
If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.
Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we’ll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible.
Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.
Click the banner to learn more.
Other episodes referenced in this episode
- 086: Playing to Win: How does playing sports impact children?
- 170: How to stop procrastinating with Dr. Fuschia Sirois.
- 075: Should we go ahead and heap rewards on our kid?
Jump to highlights:
(00:54)Many parenting coaches recommend giving children choices as a way to get them to cooperate. (02:43)The effectiveness of using choices to our children (05:47)Reasons why giving choices makes us lose the possibility of meeting both of our needs (08:01)How using choices motivates children to do the things they wouldn’t want to do (09:00)Why choices teach children consequences (09:40)Benefits of using true empathy (10:26)Giving choices to negotiate how children will do a chore/task (11:55)The use of rewards to motivate children fails to consider both the child’s and parent’s needs, leading to resentment and missed opportunity for making real choices (13:28)Giving choices as a win-win situation (14:05)The choices parents give often do not meet the child’s needs (17:08)Distinguishing between needs and strategies (19:01)The importance of meeting both our and our children’s needs (20:34)Ben shares his struggles before joining the Setting Limits workshop (22:55)Ben shares how effective the tools he learned in the Setting Limits workshop (26:29)Deon shares her experience after joining the Setting Limits workshop (27:01) An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits masterclassThe AI-powered Podcast Player
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