In this conversation, Debbie Reber speaks with Dr. Özgür Bolat about his book The Reward Trap and the hidden costs of using rewards to motivate children. Dr. Bolat explains that rewards may create short-term compliance, but they often undermine intrinsic motivation, self-esteem, and long-term confidence by teaching kids that love and approval are conditional on performance.

Drawing from his own experience as a highly accomplished student who became dependent on external validation, he argues that parents should shift from a control mindset to a connection mindset—asking what a child needs, helping them feel understood, and building internal motivation through effort, autonomy, and trust rather than prizes or pressure.

About Dr. Özgür Bolat

Dr. Özgür Bolat is a distinguished education scientist, researcher, associate professor, and author with a career spanning academia, media, and corporate partnerships. His groundbreaking research on parenting and teaching has earned him international recognition, including the prestigious Best Young Researcher award in New Zealand. He holds a master’s degree from Harvard Graduate School of Education (Fulbright and TEV scholar) and a PhD from the University of Cambridge.

During his doctoral studies, he spent one year as a visiting PhD student at MIT Sloan. His academic work has been complemented by a successful media career, where he served as a columnist for a major national newspaper for 12 years, establishing himself as a leading voice in education and parenting. Dr. Bolat is a highly sought-after keynote speaker and parenting workshop leader.

Things you'll learn from this episode

Why rewards and praise can create short-term compliance while undermining intrinsic motivation over time

How conditional praise and external validation can contribute to anxiety, perfectionism, and a sense that approval must be earned

Why behavior is often a signal of an unmet need rather than a lack of discipline

How shifting from a control mindset to a connection mindset changes the way we respond to our kids

Why focusing on effort rather than intelligence helps children build resilience and authentic motivation

How parents can nurture kids who are internally motivated, self-respecting, and connected rather than focused on obedience

Resources mentioned

Dr. Özgür Bolat’s website

The Reward Trap book website

The Reward Trap: Why Rewards Backfire and the Real Science of Motivation Kids by Dr. Özgür Bolat (on Amazon)

Alfie Kohn on Practicing Unconditional Parenting (Tilt Parenting podcast)

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn

Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes by Alfie Kohn

David Yeager on the Science of Motivating Young People (Tilt Parenting podcast)

Mindset: How We Can Learn to Fulfill Our Potential by Carol Dweck

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