Children reveal parental wounds

Welcome to episode 56 of The Way Out Is In: The Zen Art of Living, a podcast series mirroring Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh’s deep teachings of Buddhist philosophy: a simple yet profound methodology for dealing with our suffering, and for creating more happiness and joy in our lives.

In this episode, Zen Buddhist monk Brother Phap Huu and leadership coach and journalist Jo Confino talk about the annual family retreats at Plum Village (the one time when families visit with their children): how they came about, and how the dharma can touch the lives of children and teenagers. The presenters share their unique experiences of these retreats, and stories of transformation involving parents and children, including ones featuring Thich Nhat Hanh and his deep teachings and special understanding of the youngest practitioners. 

Going deeper, the conversation delves into ways to remain compassionate and continue to listen deeply when dealing with a child; collective energy and co-creating an environment for children; the insight of nondiscrimination; the art of slowing down and being present for your children; authority and separation; the fourteen mindfulness trainings; and more. 

Plus, why do people bring their families to a Zen monastery in the south of France? Are mindful practitioners better parents?

Brother Phap Huu further shares how the retreats are run, some popular mindfulness practices, and how monastics work with different age groups. Jo talks about generational pain and the importance of deepening our relationship with our children, at any age.

The episode ends with ‘Practicing with the Five-Year-old in Me and in My Parents’, a recording of a meditation guided by Thich Nhat Hanh.

Thank you for listening. Enjoy!

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Co-produced by the Plum Village App:
https://plumvillage.app/

And Global Optimism:
https://globaloptimism.com/ 

With support from the Thich Nhat Hanh Foundation:
https://thichnhathanhfoundation.org/

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List of resources 

Old Path White Clouds
https://www.parallax.org/product/old-path-white-clouds-walking-in-the-footsteps-of-the-buddha/ 

The Organic Happy Farm
https://plumvillage.org/community/happy-farm 

‘The Pebble Meditation’
https://plumvillage.org/articles/news/the-pebble-meditation 

Looking Deeply: ‘Healing the Inner Child’
https://plumvillage.org/articles/healing-the-inner-child 

‘The Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings’
https://plumvillage.org/mindfulness/the-14-mindfulness-trainings 

The Bodhisattva vow
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bodhisattva_vow 

Mahāyāna
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mahayana

‘Practicing with the Five-Year-Old Child in Me and in My Parents’
https://web.plumvillage.app/item/vToqvVSlq6hvFCjp3QUy 

‘Practicing with the Child in Me (Guided Meditation)’
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YG8OmTzmNW8 

The Way Out Is In: ‘Healing Our Inner Child: Pathways to Embrace Our Suffering (Episode #10)’
https://plumvillage.org/podcast/healing-our-inner-child-pathways-to-embrace-our-suffering 

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Quotes

“Now that I reflect on my childhood, what were the gems in my upbringing? One that stands out very clearly is when my parents were in Plum Village, because somehow Plum Village energy and the creation of the space was developed together; everybody co-created the retreat and you got to be yourself. We weren’t competing to see who was more mindful, or who was going to become the Buddha first. Then everybody slowly un-layered all of the masks they were wearing, as well as starting to embrace and accept themselves. And that presence has a very deep impact on a child.”

“It does take a community to help a child grow.”

“When the Buddha became enlightened, the first thing he did was to create a community. And I would even say that the Buddha’s journey goes all the way back to the support of children.”

“Every action that Thay produced through body, speech, and mind was a transmission.”

“The baby may not understand the words, but they absorb the collective energy.” 

“Be mindful of your thoughts. Be mindful of your speech. Be mindful of your presence, because it gives off an invisible transmission, just like radio signals that one can receive.”

“What is the meaning of life? It is to be present enough that we can love, that we can see our interconnectedness with all those around us. Your parents, your brother, your sister: even though, sometimes, they make you angry, deep down inside, you do love them. And maybe our whole life journey is not to learn about that, but to live the message of love.”

“Moments of care, moments for being with others, are also time for oneself. And when you shift that narrative, your energy changes; suddenly, your love becomes boundless. You are channeling and practicing non-self and you’re also practicing selflessness. And that is one of the deepest wisdoms of Buddhism.”

“I’m holding this pebble, and if it represents a good deed and I throw it in the pond, where I know it will create ripples, then it seems that my good deeds will have a similar impact. So it is important to cultivate good deeds.”

“Children are a wonderful bell of mindfulness, because they press all of our buttons. Because they often break the rules in a way that adults don’t with each other. They sometimes speak truths that are uncomfortable and that we don’t want to hear.” 

“Unless something is healed, it gets passed on, because the next child will witness that pain and soak it up. They either think it’s normal behavior, or they try to swallow it to take it away from their parents, because they want their parents to be happy. That’s their key wish: for their parents to be happy, not for themselves to be happy. When people recognize that their own healing also heals the past, that’s a great motivator; they’re actually healing the wound that was felt in their parents, their grandparents, or their great-grandparents. And then they’re changing the future, especially for their own children.”

“The heart of mindfulness is being in the present moment.” 

“We heal the past in the present moment.”