a hooker like you uh do I still have a chance to get to heaven ha ha

you know you could have been laughing

like that

you gonna be hanging on a cross like me they're freckles um all

right I'll definitely uh I'll have to post it I'm sitting on my lower back again how does this happen I just slide down the fucking couch um

all right girlfriend's dysfunctional family all right uh dear billy boy uh huge fan of pockets thank you anyways I am a male in his early 20s living in a small one-bedroom apartment with my girlfriend recently my girlfriend's mother has received a new job position that's much closer to us and she is currently in the process of looking for a new place in our area

oh jesus I am all for my

girlfriend being able to be closer to her family

why

why would you be all for that

be all for it if they're cool I'm telling right now do not marry anybody who does not have a cool fucking family okay

because

those motherfuckers are gonna be in your house you think you're gonna marry her and then yeah yeah all right take it easy da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da you're just gonna fucking well surrealt to do our few wedding no they're gonna be calling your house they're gonna be coming over they're gonna want to fucking play with your kids okay

those people are you are marrying into the fucking family so right

now I think what you're doing is you're trying to be a modern man so you're just automatically going lay out I don't know I'm all for it I'm all for you expressing your opinions and having your mother be right across the fucking street listen I'm probably projecting here um like I said thank god thank christ um the lovely nia has a wonderful family um thank god thank christ because I know people in that situation

in that situation

like fucking misery the misery of the family like you know they retire and then they just move to where you are and then they just come over all the fucking time and they have no fucking clue how annoying they are and then if the wife doesn't fucking say anything you're you got to step up oh dude fucking shit show all right recently my girlfriend's oh blah blah blah I'm

all for my girlfriend being able to be closer to her family

as I enjoy their company as well oh shit you know what I didn't read that part sorry but the whole moving situation is starting to become a bit of a headache and is starting to impede on our own lives yeah see you're young you're in your early 20s okay here we go

my girlfriend's mother is currently in between places and might stay with us during the week however

this is not the worst of it my girlfriend has three other siblings that her mother provides care for

two brothers and one sister

her oldest brother in particular is a bit of a black sheep he is easily agitated by the smallest requests like cleaning up after himself or remembering to lock the door

he is careless when it comes to using other people's belongings and does not clean up after himself well you know what that fucker that he can't stay there then I would I

would be a bit more forgiving if he was younger than I am but he too was in his early 20s like me now having to deal with the family member like this may not sound like an issue dude this is this is this is making I'm breaking out in hives reading this thing this is how much of a fucking issue this is uh especially if your girlfriend does not address what a douche her brother is that's what you need okay

that's the keys to the castle

okay if there's someone in you know whatever if you're a woman dating a guy right if if he has something if his sister's a cunt and he won't address it on any level I'm not saying he literally has to drop the fucking you know the scene out there but

you got you got you got a you got a fucking you got to address it okay you got a fucking address it all right so anyways now having to deal with this m-b-b-b-b-b-b um to remember like this may not sound like an issue today but I learned that my girlfriend's mother asked to bring my

girlfriend's brother with her to stay with us for a few days let's face it it'll probably be longer than that after

seeing firsthand how he acts with other people especially his family I want to say no and be done with it but I'm sure this will open up more issues between myself and my girlfriend her mother and possibly her brother yeah it'll bring up great issues the fact that her brother's a fucking selfish douche dude you are right now in the beginning of creating your adult life so

when you feel no you say no all right

and if your girlfriend gets fucking pissed then fuck her okay if she wants to break up with you you know what you did dude

you just you just walked away from what you know what you think you're fat you fast forward you're fast forwarding through the fucking nightmare and you're getting to the inevitable end of the fucking relationship without you being legally bonded to them without you having kids that have fucking look like her and just remind you of them every fucking time you mind you or her every time you see him this is what you have to do you have to listen to your gut and life your gut will tell you you're saying I don't want to do this but then what happens is social politeness kicks him oh you know it's only for a few days blah blah blah blah I don't want to hmm hmm fuck all of that fuck all of that I'm not saying that you have to say it the way I'm saying it but you have to have a sit down and just be like listen I don't mind if your mother stay here but I'm not comfortable with your brother staying

here and if she says why it's my brother I'd be

like because he's inconsiderate and he's reckless with personal belongings he forgets to lock the door and all that and I don't think he's a responsible person and just let it sit there and if she has a fucking problem with it

who gives a I don't need not to be disrespectful just be like I don't share your viewpoint and I live here too and I'm saying no we can't stay here and then she'll have nothing to say other than so you say you

can't stay here she'll just start repeating what you're saying and be like that is what I'm saying and then you let her huff and you let her puff and do all the fucking shit she's going to do and you don't let that fucking douche step into the house and look here's the thing dude what do you what do you have to lose here other than your own happiness you got to put a value on it anyway so let me just continue on here

he says after saying firsthand how he acts with other people especially his family I want to say no but

I'm sure this opened up more she's between myself my girlfriend her mother and possibly her brother as it is an issue with my girlfriend and I have argued about it in the past oh yes he's already done it yeah dude all right you're already knocked down you're already kicked in the door walk in what would you do in this situation I think I've already said it and is there any sort of advice you can give me if her brother does come to stay for a few days how should I treat him knowing he'd probably just get agitated with me telling him to clean up after himself thanks and go fuck yourself dude this is the deal dude this is this is non-negotiable this is non-fucking negotiable okay this is your

life all right

and he's a fucking douche and listen man if your girlfriend can't see what a fucking asshole this guy is dude can

you imagine if

your brother was like this and it

made your girlfriend feel uncomfortable would your brother be staying with you

he makes me uncomfortable oh he's weird he doesn't pick up

he smells my me undies whatever the fuck he's doing you'd be like oh that's it you can't

you can't be here you know and wait whoa I'm gonna cut your red jerk off all right

there's a super right down the street good luck to you

you know um I gotta tell you

this this this might be this might be the old right there Fred for

your fucking relationship okay you might have to throw down the gauntlet all right I gotta tell you dude if this if this fucking asshole is already making you this fucking miserable okay just the idea of him staying with you for a couple two three days all right are you really gonna marry this woman you're gonna marry into that with that fucking shit show and they'll buy you down there and

you may need

you very fucking see him fucked that until he goes out and he fucks his whole fucking life up you know and what what happens to you do you I'm assuming you you're planning on being successful in life right which means you're gonna go make a big bag of loot

get yourself a whip all right

sorry um now you can have a nice car you have a nice house you know a beautiful wife you have all that type of shit you know what you know what kunstu kunstu think like well how come I don't have that it's like well because you didn't work for it stupid and they're not gonna think that and they're gonna want to come around and they're gonna want fucking handouts and if she and if that fucking jerk off knows that his sister is a big softie she's gonna use her to get to you and all this shit that you fucking work for okay

I'm painting a very bleak scenario here but um dude you just you say no he can't stay here

you know and if it really comes down to just be like listen I don't like the guy okay

and I don't think it's I just think

it's how he's wired because you turned out great

you guys both had the same fucking parents I don't know what happened to that guy

but he's a fucking I don't say fucking that guy he's just like I don't want him in my I don't want him here your mother can stay or plus that it's only a one bedroom apartment you know so we're gonna be on top of each other and I can't deal with that guy when I met your mother's house forget about in our one bedroom apartment I don't want that guy here I

don't want his balls dangling in our fucking commode I

don't want his pubes in my shower I don't want his hands in my on the fridge I just don't want him here I don't want him here you know what's funny I don't even know this guy and I fucking hate

him it's no fucking way dude please can you please do

this for yourself and this is a great exercise to have you know for both men and women you can flip this around like learning how to stand up to the person that you're with you got to learn how to do that and you just sometimes you just have to you got to have a fight you just have to have a fight and um and there is a freedom to not giving a fuck in a good way what people think about you I mean do you

give the fuck if some piece of selfish shit doesn't like you what the fuck do you care I have my I jeez I would I'd be just openly I don't like you yes

you I don't like you I think you're a piece of garbage and then we look to just girlfriend you look at your girlfriend or his sister you just yeah don't worry I already told her

oh sir please

don't let him stay in your place and please write right in and please tell me please tell me what happened I don't know why but I live for moments like this in life you know as much as I like making people laugh and that type of thing I get even more enjoyment telling pieces of shit no it's one of the great things and just the look on their fucking face because the reason why a lot of pieces of shit are pieces of shit because people politely maneuver around them and when you can get that fucking mit right in their face you know put your hand right in their forehead that's about far enough they're sparky

oh

it's just it's one of the great feelings in life I think that's why God made douchebags just so you know

someone like yourself can have that feeling I'm really coming off arrogant here for

you know I'm probably the douchebag too anyways all right fiance's wedding plans a day at Billy blue band blue blend the fuck is that

first let me say I can't see I can't wait to see you in Orlando on May 7th I don't know why I haven't seen you perform live yet but you are my you are the last on my top 10 comedians to see before I die oh Jesus it's

way more that you should see than that but I am very flattered that I am one of the 10 okay so he says I've been engaged for three years now all right dumper you don't want to marry her do

I really need to read the rest of this the fuck is engaged for three years he said and me and my lady are in the first steps of finally planning our wedding I'm I am simple and I'm and I'm

okay with something small and would rather save money for our honeymoon and down payment on the house and let me guess she wants to spend a ton of fucking money my fiance wants a destination theme wedding I'm not opposed to compromise and have a destination wedding but she wants the theme to be the little mermaid in Hawaii she's adamant about this and has these horrible outfits picked out for the whole wedding party to wear including myself as Neptune I don't believe this

I'm calling bullshit but

you know what as always I'll read it like it's true I'm 37 and she is 28 if that matters I sincerely love her but she won't let this go and I

absolutely refuse to go through with that

I don't want to lose her in my life but I've tried everything I can think of to talk her out of it and honestly it's a deal breaker for me please tell me your thoughts and if you have any advice I'd be very grateful thanks and go fuck yourself all right well if this isn't a joke question you've been engaged for three fucking years okay that's weird I think there's something going on there and you know you're you're a little bit countries is a little bit rock and roll forever that the old fucking Donnie and marisha usually sometimes opposites you know you know she's that party you she completes you I don't I don't think she's this is a shit show if this is true you are you're do you understand that when you inevitably get divorced from this fucking woman that you are going to get no sympathy from anybody there it will first be oh my god a divorce I heard you know other than losing a loved one that's the most stressful thing ever but when you tell the story that you dressed

like Neptune at your own fucking wedding right then every single yeah well you know I fucking told you she yeah dude I you walk away

from it you're 37 you're fine you'll meet somebody else okay you get on you don't have a biological clock this one of the great things about being a dude you know but it all balances out because we die eight years before them you know so they get the little little bit you know little bit longer sit

in that coffee house you know eating those fucking weird chocolates um he said oh this is

somebody else's I'm sorry I thought that's how he signed off um yeah

I would walk away from this whole fucking thing

how many more red flags need to be shook in your face you just walk away from the whole fucking thing fine you oh my god dude what kind of fucking issues does she have that she wants to have a little oh my god she one of those women that has that googoo gaga creepy ass fucking voice she talks like she's fucking six oh god that gives you the fucking chills can you be a fucking adult over here

what do you mean what what if you wanted a Scooby-Doo themed fucking wedding right you wanted her to dress like fucking that with the Janine Grafalo redheaded one you know and

her sister to dress like Daphne and you were gonna be fucking shaggy

the best man was gonna dress like Fred with that scarf around his fucking way no way why why why

I don't believe that question I just don't okay and if you fucking marry her you deserve it you know when

you come crying up to me I'm gonna steal from that fucking toy ah fucking told you all right squats hey Billy bird legs that's fucking hilarious I've been listening to you talk about the way you work out of the podcast and I got to chime in do some fucking squats dude squats are not a leg exercise they are a compound full body movement oh this is already making me tired

put a

couple hundred pounds on your back just push your legs and watch while

your frail freckled spine gets twisted like a pretzel

well why would I want to do that squats and deadlift which I recommend to need you to engage Daphne every muscle in your body if you want to put on some real muscle density stop being such a cowardly little cunt and learn to squat and deadlift dude I don't want to walk around all

bulked up you

know start wearing tank tops I'm not trying to do that Jesus Christ he said I recommend watching Ed C O A N apostrophe Ed squat and deadlift videos from super training on YouTube to start dude I'm not trying to get into the NFL then watch the rest of their content and learn what the fuck you're

doing I wrote some stuff about

my experience with adding squats and deadlifts to my routine you can read it or not just lift some heavy shit

stop being a bitch and go fuck yourself all right I like the way this man speaks it gets

right to it he's very direct my experience when I was younger I used I used to be a mirror muscles guys mirror muscle guy too fuck you talking about dude I got a pegboard I got those atomic fucking I'm

doing all I'm doing I'm trying to do like half

what are that American ninja warrior fucking thing I'm building that in my garage

all right you with your fucking Schwarzenegger workout from 1978 stop acting like you're in the future you fucking cunt I was decent you know you came in you were talking a little bit fresh you need to fucking stand down a little bit here

um you

said I got older and I started working in a chocolate factory you

know everything seems like a lie this you worked in a chon well you in a fucking tree making

cookies amazingly doing Carl's and benching 135 after spending the day sitting at my desk shoveling free chocolate in my face did not nothing to stop my belly from growing well yeah well neither were doing squats okay if you don't fucking eat anything else but cookies anyway he goes now I squat bench and deadlift like a power lifter and I am stronger and more Jack than I have ever been yeah and you stop eating chocolate not only do I actually have legs now but my chest arms and back traps everything are bigger than ever I just I can't recommend the videos from super trading enough all right I'll check it out

the guys are hilarious strong and there there is tons of great info on there anyways I appreciate the podcast best of luck with the new home gym and again go fuck yourself all right cool I will definitely check that out thank you so

much for that information once again

for people at home Ed it said coa and apostrophe s for some reason I don't that looks like it's missing something but anyways it's called super training so if you spell the name kind of like that it ought to come up in your uh your google search there okay about driving and diving into caves uh hey Bill you were talking about divers with those caves here's a documentary of Finnish

guys who legally illegally who go illegally to their

dead friends bodies what from their last trip I think it was made illegal to go there after they died because it was too dangerous to go to those caves but they went anyway and made a movie about it come to Finland soon and go fuck yourself well

why don't they retrieve the bodies is everybody lying to me this week

why can't you be honest all

right the last one here girlfriend is good friends with dude she met

on Tinder uh hey Billy red Burke uh bork kind of I guess it's supposed to be like Ray

Burke red bork um so recently I was talking with my girlfriend about one of her guy

friends the two

of them seemed pretty close he did a photo shoot for a t-shirt company

she's starting in and she even said we're

like the same person

yeah dude it's over it's over

she hasn't blown him yet she's gonna walk away something she's has said uh something she has said to me as we're talking she reveals that she met this dude off of the dating and actually just about fucking app Tinder before dude you wrote this so bad before she we got together I'm just gonna read it how you wrote it I tried to play a cool letter talk about him and just brush it off as whatever dude this is the brainwashing of the American mail now where

everything is if you even question a woman it's like wait was that date

rape so

you just ignore all your fucking instincts here I

tried to play it cool

yeah her douchebag brother who does totally and consider it wants to stay here

you know I'm all for that you're not all for that your soul is screaming no

you're playing it cool because you're not cool with it yeah why don't you go hang out with some fuck buddy you met on

Tinder and see how she fucking likes it right anyways well

the two of them text quite a lot and

the other night she received something I think from him and she laughed now I am ordinarily not a nosy type but the situation is weird so I asked what's funny she flipped she said I'm being too nosy and trying to pry into her personal life oh my god and then did you give her a sidekick right out of the fucking bed he

goes I mean she really

flipped her shit about it she claims I'm being paranoid and that they are just friend I don't

know Billy if they fucked

what's to say they want to dude what

do you mean you don't know

he finishes it with am I being paranoid should I not give a shit

or should I kick this chick to the curb dude

punter to the curb right

in the seat of her fucking lion pants yeah yeah and I would

just say why are you breaking up I go because you because the guy on Tinder completes

you go get with him oh my god you're being paranoid no I'm not you guys are fucking in my heart that hearts you guys are fucking and if you're not you're gonna and to be honest with you you probably should be you fucking laying in bed with me giggling about his goddamn text just go over

there and suck his dick already now give me my keys that's

it it's

fucking over all right that's

the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you Thursday

so

i sad I never let it out