How Do I Break This Hurting Cycle?

Listeners share their stories of codependency and self-loathing. This week, we hear from a listener whose partner was severely depressed at the beginning of covid locked downs due to job loss and medical issues. She writes: "I would often fantasize about another life, about being with some one else" You can find all resources on the website, doctor jessica higgins dot com.

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Episode notes

Many professionals believe that fantasy is perfectly normal and harmless. They can be a reliable source of comfort, stimulation, escape, or relief. It can also be used to address long-standing relational needs and activate unconscious feelings of loss and emptiness.

Unfortunately, people who utilize sexual fantasy as a primary coping mechanism may become disconnected from reality. Fantasies can be so addictive and compelling that they impair one's ability to be present in a relationship. And that's exactly what one of our listeners has been going through.

In this episode, we look at how fantasies can reveal unmet needs and how to break the cycle, increasing your chances of experiencing supportive connections that cultivate the experience of intimacy and togetherness.

Here's listener B's question:

"My partner and I have been in a relationship for 10+ years - he was severely depressed at the beginning of COVID lockdowns due to job loss and medical issues. Because of this, our already minor codependency habits became incredibly magnified. Taking care of him and trying to 'fix' him became my entire life, while that only resulted in him feeling more worthless. This lasted for 2 years.

During that time, I would often fantasize about another life, about being with someone else (unfortunately a friend of ours took that form in my thoughts), or just being single in general. It was an escape to feel somewhat good for a moment.

In the past few months, however, things have changed quite dramatically (new medications for us both, new job offers) and it's all for the better! He's made significant improvements mentally and in his commitment to our relationship as well.

...So why doesn't it feel better? I still have the fantasy thoughts even though I don't want to, and on off days when I feel anxious or depressed, I convince myself that I shouldn't keep trying and it would be kinder to him to end it (which I have tried to do twice now)

I do deal with some obsessive thinking and am medicated for ADHD - but how do I break this hurtful cycle? How do I get myself to realize we're in a good spot again, and that I don't need to rely on the coping mechanisms I developed when they weren't?"

Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.

In this episode

6:18 When does a normal fantasy become unhealthy?

13:29 How fantasies can affect your relationship.

21:17 What do your fantasies reveal about you.

Mentioned

Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship (book)

Healthy Lust vs. Unhealthy Lust

ERP 316: How to Recognize & Deal with Emotional Immaturity — An Interview with Dr. Eddie Capparucci

ERP 286: How to Know If You Experience Limerence & What to Do About It – An Interview with Dr. L

ERP 105: How to Deal With Limerence in Relationship

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins