Financial Infidelity and Hidden Spending

In this episode, Ben Felix, Dan Bortolotti, and Ben Wilson take a research-driven look at the finances of marriage, from spending personalities and prenuptial agreements to wedding costs, joint accounts, financial infidelity, and household decision-making. The conversation explores how the way couples think about and manage money can affect both financial outcomes and relationship satisfaction.

We unpack the difference between being frugal and being a "tightwad," why tightwads and spendthrifts may be drawn to each other despite having more conflict later, and how simply understanding your partner's spending tendencies can improve financial conversations. We also examine the case for prenups, the role of optimism bias in avoiding them, and how couples can use legal agreements to deliberately design their financial arrangements.

The discussion then turns to wedding spending, including the marketing forces behind engagement-ring conventions and research linking higher spending on rings and weddings with greater divorce risk in some samples. Finally, we look at the evidence for managing money jointly, the risks of financial infidelity, and why both partners should be involved in household financial decisions. The central theme throughout is simple: couples tend to be better served when they approach their finances as a team and communicate openly.

The Tightwad-Spendthrift Scale Quiz — https://umich.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_55xxAQrYK0WRlY2

Sources — https://zbib.org/e8fec478786b4176b5011418f27a3fa4

Key Points From This Episode:

(0:01:00) Why who you marry can be one of the most consequential financial decisions of your life.

(0:04:24) Why marriage changes both the emotional and legal nature of a couple's financial relationship.

(0:07:53) Tightwads vs. spendthrifts: the psychology of the "anticipatory pain of paying."

(0:09:52) Why spending personality has little to do with how much money someone actually spends.

(0:11:34) How understanding your spending tendencies can be useful alongside traditional financial risk questionnaires.

(0:15:42) Why some people struggle to spend money even when they clearly have the financial capacity to do so.

(0:17:09) How upbringing, identity, and social comparison can influence attitudes toward spending.

(0:18:20) Why tightwads and spendthrifts are more likely to marry each other—and why those differences can create conflict later.

(0:21:14) How recognizing different spending tendencies can create healthier conversations and compromises.

(0:23:14) Prenups and marriage contracts: understanding the legal "default" before deciding whether to create your own arrangement.

(0:24:04) Why optimism bias and the negative signaling associated with prenups can make them difficult for couples to discuss.

(0:26:51) Why a prenup may be particularly relevant when partners enter a marriage with substantially different levels of wealth.

(0:29:54) How couples can use a prenuptial agreement to deliberately design financial arrangements around their circumstances and future needs.

(0:31:08) The origins of the "two months' salary" engagement-ring convention and the marketing of diamonds.

(0:32:54) Research on wedding spending, engagement rings, and divorce risk.

(0:35:55) Why wedding planning can become an early test of how couples handle financial differences.

(0:37:49) Why more wedding guests and having a honeymoon were associated with longer marriages in the study discussed.

(0:38:44) The evidence for managing finances together—and why joint accounts may not be the only way to do it.

(0:42:04) How different spending personalities might influence whether couples prefer joint or separate accounts.

(0:45:10) Why couples should establish clear expectations around significant purchases.

(0:45:31) Financial infidelity: what it means to hide financial behavior you expect your partner would disapprove of.

(0:47:46) Why financial decision-making should involve both partners rather than defaulting to one "financial spouse."

(0:52:19) Gender norms, financial confidence, and differences in how spouses participate in investment and planning decisions.

(0:54:57) Why involving the less financially engaged spouse can bring different—and valuable—perspectives to household planning.

(0:56:09) The importance of financial continuity if the spouse who manages the finances dies or experiences cognitive decline.

(0:58:21) The common thread across the research: approach household finances as a team and keep communication open.

(0:59:52) The return of the after show, including listener reviews and a discussion of feedback on a recent special episode.

Links From Today's Episode: Meet with PWL Capital: https://calendly.com/d/3vm-t2j-h3p

Rational Reminder on iTunes — https://itunes.apple.com/ca/podcast/the-rational-reminder-podcast/id1426530582. Rational Reminder on Instagram — https://www.instagram.com/rationalreminder/

Rational Reminder on YouTube — https://www.youtube.com/channel/ Benjamin Felix — https://pwlcapital.com/our-team/

Benjamin on X — https://x.com/benjaminwfelix

Benjamin on LinkedIn — https://www.linkedin.com/in/benjaminwfelix/

Editing and post-production work for this episode was provided by The Podcast Consultant (https://thepodcastconsultant.com)