What Is Fierce Intimacy?

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In buddhism, one of the four immeasurebls is loosely trans ted to appreciative joy. It comes from a yiddish term, naches - this is the joy that you feel when somebody whom you love so conditionally goes out into the world succeeds. The first casualty when you stop being honest with other is sex and your eroticism. Most couples stop taking each other on after a few years. And resentment bills te sexuality dies. We have never wanted more from our relationships than we do now.

So, what if being fiercely self-reliant and individualistic was actually a terrible thing? I know, I know, sounds silly. I mean isn’t that the very thing we’re told to strive for from the youngest age? And, especially, in our culture now?

Problem is, living in a me-first or me-over-you world is not only destroying our personal relationships, it’s destroying us, our states of mind, and even physical wellbeing. And, intimacy, deep connectedness, even reliance on and elevating others just might be the solution to much of what ails us.

That idea may sound strange at first, it’s hard to argue that the rise of a wildly individualistic society has also gone hand-in-hand with the destruction of social bonds, friendship, mental health and nearly every marker of health in communities as well. As humans, we are all designed to be in relationship with others to experience the positive effects of connectedness, when that breaks down, so do we. And today's guest, Terry Real is an internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, and author. His new book Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship is a guide not just for couples, but also just for all human beings, filled with tools and advice to help anyone tap into their most collaborative and relational self. In today's conversation with Terry, he shares his story of growing up in a dysfunctional home to reveal how the techniques we've all learned to survive dysfunction as children can take a toll on our present relationships. And we explore how re-engaging with the people around us we hold most dear just may save not only those relationships, but our lives as well, and society more broadly.

You can find Terry at: Website | Facebook

If you LOVED this episode you’ll also love the conversations we had with Julie and John Gottman about how to build deeper, loving relationships

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