Revisiting 'Don't Go to Bed Angry'

Monica Tanner is an RLT-trained relationship coach and host of the “Secrets of Happily Ever After” podcast. She transforms marriages with simple communication, connection, conflict resolution, and commitment strategies. Her mission is to lower the divorce rate and improve marital satisfaction. Through her podcast, social media community, couple’s coaching practice, and new book—Bad Marriage Advice, Monica has helped thousands of couples ditch resentment and roommate syndrome and get back to living their happily-ever-after love story. In the Church, Monica serves in the Young Women program with two of her daughters.

Links

MonicaTanner.com
Bad Marriage Advice
Share your thoughts in the Leading Saints community
Transcript coming soon
Get 14-day access to the Core Leader Library

Highlights

Monica shares insights on the importance of communication in marriage, noting that many couples express a need for help in this area. They discuss the dynamics of relationships, emphasizing that both partners must actively engage in the marriage to foster a healthy connection. The episode also touches on the stigma surrounding seeking help for marital issues within the Latter-day Saint community, where some may feel that divorce is not an option, leading to feelings of entrapment.

Monica explores common misconceptions about marriage, such as the idea that “happy couples never fight.” They argue that conflict is a natural part of any relationship and that learning to navigate disagreements is crucial for growth. The discussion also addresses the problematic advice of “never go to bed angry,” suggesting that sometimes it is healthier to take a break and revisit issues with a fresh perspective.

Throughout the episode, the importance of choice in marriage is emphasized. Monica encourages couples to view their relationship as a partnership where both individuals actively choose to be together, rather than feeling obligated due to covenants or societal expectations. They advocate for open communication and the necessity of seeking help when needed, highlighting that doing so is a sign of strength and commitment.

00:03:19 – Common Marriage Struggles
Monica discusses the prevalent issues couples face, particularly around communication and faith transitions.

00:04:54 – The Empty Nest Phenomenon
Exploration of the challenges couples face when their children leave home, leading to potential relationship reevaluation.

00:06:27 – Advice for Struggling Couples
Monica offers guidance for couples who feel tension in their marriage but may not have the resources for therapy.

00:08:34 – Unique Aspects of Latter-day Saint Marriages
Discussion on the stigma around seeking help for marriage issues within the Latter-day Saint culture.

00:10:55 – The Concept of Choice in Marriage
Exploration of how the perception of being “locked in” to a marriage can affect relationship dynamics.

00:12:22 – Agency and Choice in Relationships
Monica emphasizes the importance of making daily choices in marriage and the role of agency in relationships.

00:14:27 – The Importance of Communication
Discussion on the necessity of open communication in marriage and the dangers of complacency.

00:16:12 – Navigating Divorce Conversations
Insights on how church leaders can approach discussions about divorce and the importance of not feeling trapped.

00:18:10 – Infidelity and Marriage Recovery
Monica shares perspectives on how infidelity can sometimes lead to positive changes in a marriage.

00:20:22 – The Role of Church Leaders
Advice for church leaders on how to support couples in distress without overstepping their boundaries.

00:22:25 – Community Support in Marriage
The importance of community support and sharing experiences to help couples feel less isolated.

00:24:35 – The Reality of Marriage Dynamics
Discussion on the complexities of marriage and the need for both partners to actively engage in the relationship.

00:26:16 – The Atonement and Marriage
Exploration of how the doctrine of the Atonement relates to marriage and the possibility of finding happiness after divorce.

00:28:10 – The Importance of Seeking Help
Monica emphasizes that seeking help for marriage issues is a sign of strength and commitment.

00:30:19 – Debunking the Myth of Fighting
Discussion on the misconception that happy couples never fight and the importance of healthy conflict.

00:33:02 – Relationship Math in Marriage
Monica introduces the concept of “relationship math” and the importance of both partners showing up fully in a relationship.

00:35:02 – The Myth of Never Going to Bed Angry
Critique of the advice to never go to bed angry, emphasizing the need for rest and perspective in resolving conflicts.

00:39:18 – Contracting for Better Communication
Monica discusses the importance of contracting in communication to ensure both partners are ready to engage in discussions.

00:41:11 – Final Thoughts on Marriage Advice
Reflection on the need to reevaluate traditional marriage advice in light of modern understanding and individual experiences.

The award-winning Leading Saints Podcast is one of the top independent Latter-day Saints podcasts as part of nonprofit Leading Saints’ mission to help Latter-day Saints be better prepared to lead. Learn more and listen to any of the past episodes for free at LeadingSaints.org.

Past guests include Emily Belle Freeman, David Butler, Hank Smith, John Bytheway, Reyna and Elena Aburto, Liz Wiseman, Stephen M. R. Covey, Elder Alvin F. Meredith III, Julie Beck, Brad Wilcox, Jody Moore, Tony Overbay, John H. Groberg, Elaine Dalton, Tad R. Callister, Lynn G. Robbins, J. Devn Cornish, Bonnie Oscarson, Dennis B. Neuenschwander, Kirby Heyborne, Taysom Hill, Coaches Jennifer Rockwood and Brandon Doman, Anthony Sweat, John Hilton III, Barbara Morgan Gardner, Blair Hodges, Whitney Johnson, Ryan Gottfredson, Greg McKeown, Ganel-Lyn Condie, Michael Goodman, Wendy Ulrich, Richard Ostler, and many more in over 800 episodes.

Discover podcasts, articles, virtual conferences, and live events related to callings such as the bishopric, Relief Society, elders quorum, Primary, youth leadership, stake leadership, ward mission, ward council, young adults, ministering, and teaching.