How to Defend Yourself on the Ice

I'm presenting the James Norris Memorial Trophy for top defenseman. They wrote this joke, and I think I read it quickly. Personally, I've never defended anything in my life, especially myself. If someone wanted to fight me on the ice, I'd pull my own jersey over my head so I can get in the penalty box quicker where it's safe. And I never get in front of 100 mile per hour shot, even if my wife was the goalie. That's just me.