Judgment says more about the judg-er than the judg-ee. It’s not Judgement – Bad. It’s Judgment-Interesting.

Everybody judges and in truth, we unconsciously evaluate good/bad all the time – both positively and negatively. It’s our brains appraisal system. However unchecked it’s also a very handy interpersonal defense. Today we explore one aspect of insecure functioning, unchecked judgment and harsh self-criticism.

It is just one common insecure pattern to think in absolutes and moral righteousness, and before you judge judgers, those of us who’s favorite flavor is self-criticism and self-judgement please be warned that harsh scale extends quickly to those close to us. Fun times to grow and learn we tell ya!!

In This Episode of Therapist Uncensored,

Co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott break down the big picture of attachment and take a deep dive into just one of the habits of insecure attachment – how we use judgment! Turn on your curiosity and notice your judgments as we go – it’s kinda fun, actually.

The Pleasure of Judgement

Description of what self-righteous judgment looks like presented in an anecdotal but accurate way.

Quick Review

Every human being has a system to manage threat.
Blue – you down-regulate
Red – you up-regulate

The Role of Judgment

Method of self-protection
Response to a feeling of threat
2 types: self-righteous or self-critical

Self-Righteous Judgment

It’s a great feeling.
What’s really going on underneath?
Disconnection from threat in our own body
Slowing down to experience what we are judging
Fortified defense
Not pathological, it’s protective
Example of Blue Judgment
Fear of Vulnerability
Judging to keep at a distance
Example of Red Judgment
Telling others what they are doing wrong
Judging to prevent expressing fear of abandonment underneath

Non-Judgment

Inability to create a judgment can be an indication that we can’t have a sense of self and an essence of threat, and that clearly defining ourselves is too vulnerable. (red-side of insecure spectrum, usually)

Judgment Can Be A Healthy Protection

Not all judgment is bad
Explore it.

Righteousness to Relationality

Exploring the movie about Harriet Tubman
The moral high road
Righteousness as the lazy man’s way
Making the move
Effecting change while staying in the relationship

Self-Judgment

Also the lazy man’s road
Same old negative thoughts
No movement and no new neural pathways being built
Keeps us stuck
Moving from self-loathing to connection
Putting our feet to the fire

It’s not that it’s pathological – it’s information. We think it’s information about the other person, but really it can be a window into something more interesting if we open up to exploring it. Why do you judge THAT in particular? What parts of others make your skin crawl? Check if it’s disowned parts of yourself that you are attempting to distance from or stamp out in others. You see…. now it gets interesting and the door opens rather than slams close on the object of our scrutiny.

Practice Noticing With Compassion

Find your version of what it is that you’re judging.
Have a little smile of humor when you catch yourself being judgmental
Explore what’s underneath

Resources

Healing Your Attachment Wounds by Diane Pool Heller

Healing Developmental Trauma Lawrence Heller

Self-Compassion, the Hidden Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff

Also check out TU73: Building Grit Through Self-Compassion with Kristin Neff

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Our course is now available for a deeply discounted early release price! While this course is aimed toward clinicians (CE’s available!), all who are highly interested in deepening the security in yourselves and your relationships are welcome to participate. Price increases on October 22, 2019 when it is released to the wider public.

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