Defining enmeshment versus differentiation

When couples consider opening their relationships, one of the most common questions that comes up is: "What will happen to us?" This fear makes perfect sense—you've built something special together, and the prospect of change can feel threatening to the relationship you've carefully cultivated.

This question comes from a place of caring deeply about your connection, but it also reveals something important about how we conceptualize relationships in our culture. Many of us have been taught that relationships should involve a certain level of enmeshment, where "we" becomes more important than the individual "I" and "you."

Opening up invites us to examine this balance between togetherness and individuality in ways we might never have considered before. It's not just about adding new partners—it's about discovering parts of ourselves and our existing relationships that have been hidden beneath the surface.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The difference between healthy interconnection and unhealthy enmeshment in relationships

— Why differentiation (understanding where you end and your partner begins) is crucial for successful open relationships

— How the "matchy-matchy" game many couples play can mask important differences between partners

— The ways opening up can reveal unexamined patterns, biases, and wounds in existing relationships

— Why it takes 3-5 years to fully adjust to the paradigm shift of non-monogamy

— How new relationships can illuminate both old wounds you've experienced and ways you may have hurt your partner

— The unexpected positive surprises that can emerge when opening up (like increased sexual energy!)

— Why the unpredictability of opening up can be both challenging and rewarding

— How justice jealousy can emerge when you see your partner relating differently with someone new

— The opportunity for deep relationship repair that opening up can provide

— Why friendships can be excellent practice for developing the skills needed in open relationships

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Jessica Fern's concept of Justice Jealousy

— Dan Siegel's work on interconnection as a healthy alternative to enmeshment

— Imago Dialogue

— Rainer Maria Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet

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Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions