"What do you really care about? What really impacts you in material consequential ways that are for you really important?" "I find sometimes that people get caught up in a conflict that takes on a life of its own. It almost has a kind of gravitational force ... when actually the stake on the table, substantively, is really not that big a deal," she says. 'If they are simply unwilling to engage them in any way, and they're just like, well, here it is, you got to take it now,' he adds. "'Can we focus on these things over here then' where you do have a little bit of space?' That part's really important."

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