Quiet Qualities Outlast Instant Chemistry

The internet is flooded with advice for dating in the smartphone age: know your type, trust the spark, watch for red flags, protect your peace, never settle.

It sounds like self-respect, but relationship expert Amy Chan thinks it’s a big reason dating feels impossible right now.

Her argument: we need to correct the lessons we’ve learned when it comes to dating. The person who’s great on a first date isn’t necessarily great at a relationship. Instant chemistry isn’t always a good sign. A red flag could just be an imperfection. And keeping our options open has made a lot of us genuinely bad at choosing someone.

Amy is the founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp and the author of Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts. For nearly two decades she’s looked at dating through psychology and neuroscience — why we’re drawn to certain people, why relationships fall apart, and what actually predicts whether one lasts. She started her career helping people end relationships… Now, she teaches them how to build one.

In this episode you'll learn:
➡️ Why “instant chemistry” is one of the worst predictors of a lasting relationship
➡️ The quiet qualities research says actually predict a happy partnership
➡️ Why dating skills and relationship skills are two completely different skill sets
➡️ How the algorithm rewards red-flag advice 10X over green-flag advice (and what that’s doing to you)
➡️ Situationships: why the breakup hurts more when there was never a breakup
➡️ “Leaky energy,” micro-cheating, and the honest test for both
➡️ The 9-date experiment Amy gives clients who are stuck dating the same person
➡️ How the right relationship shrinks old wounds 

➡️ Why discomfort is a critical skill dating requires

Amy’s advice isn’t about finding a better person. It’s about becoming someone better at love. And that’s advice all of us could use! 

This… is A Bit of Optimism.

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This episode is brought to you by SAP. Bring it with SAP GROW. The AI Cloud ERP for any size business. Learn more at https://SAP.com/GROW

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To get a copy of Amy's book, Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts, head to: https://missamychan.com/#books 

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Chapters

Chapters

• 00:00:00 Why Modern Dating Advice Is Making Us Worse at Love
• 00:02:26 From Broken Heart to Breakup Bootcamp
• 00:09:50 Why Dating Feels Harder Than Ever
• 00:11:35 The Two Different Skill Sets: Dating vs. Relationship
• 00:12:26 Online Dating and the Imagination Problem
• 00:14:17 The Coffee Date Defense and the "Five Out of Ten Rule"
• 00:15:53 The Cure for Avoidant Attachment
• 00:18:13 The ADHD Love Bomb Confession
• 00:24:49 What Self-Care Culture Gets Wrong About Commitment
• 00:30:31 Situationships: The Safe Space That Keeps You Stuck
• 00:33:07 Leaky Energy and Micro-Cheating
• 00:35:08 Amy's Seven-Year Relationship and Emotionally Corrective Experiences
• 00:39:28 The Instant Chemistry Trap
• 00:40:59 The Nine-Person Dating Experiment
• 00:44:37 Why Young People Aren't Dating Anymore
• 00:45:49 Bad Feelings Don't Mean It's Bad
• 00:48:02 The Single Skill That Saves Relationships

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Simon is an unshakable optimist. He believes in a bright future and our ability to build it together.

Described as “a visionary thinker with a rare intellect,” Simon has devoted his professional life to help advance a vision of the world that does not yet exist; a world in which the vast majority of people wake up every single morning inspired, feel safe wherever they are and end the day fulfilled by the work that they do.

Simon is the author of multiple best-selling books including Start With Why, Leaders Eat Last, Together is Better, and The Infinite Game.

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