How to Avoid Defensiveness in an Argument

If you notice that your partner is being defensive, defensive can show up in a lot of different ways. 100% of the time, defensiveness is activated by fear. We want to recognize that we may have done or said something that has activated their fear. When we're threatened, we can't be open and receptive to taking in new information. Too busy in a protected mode.

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Are you ready to have all your relationship questions answered by not one, but two couples therapists…who also happen to be a couple themselves?

Linda and Charlie Bloom are psychotherapists who have been married to each other for more than 50 years, and in this week’s episode, they’re spilling all their secrets about how to have healthy relationships – secrets from both their clinical training and their personal experience of building their marriage. This discussion is like getting weeks of counseling in just one hour!

We cover topics like: the role of self-worth in a relationship, how our partners can help us heal childhood wounding, the importance of asking for what we want and need, how to navigate conflict in a healthy way, what to do and not do during an argument, how to repair broken trust, what to do when your partner doesn’t want to work on the relationship and the underutilized habits that create great relationships.

Though this is PACKED with information, we don’t just talk about concepts but give you practical advice on what to do in these situations, from how to hack your brain for more productive conflict to how to appeal to your partner’s self-interest to get the relationship you want.

Listen to discover:

● The surprising connection between self-worth and healthy relationships

● Why some people have trouble receiving love

● The importance of asking for what we want and need

● Why we marry people like our parents

● How to have healthy conflict in your relationship

● The three words you should never say in an argument

● How to get out of threat and fear states during conflict

● What "committed listening" is and how to show up with more presence

● What is required to rebuild trust when it's been broken

● What to do if your partner doesn't want to work on the relationship

● The most underutilized practice in relationships

My favorite takeaway from this episode is that the key to having better relationships is believing it is possible. It’s so easy to get caught up in frustration, resentment and conflict and give up on a relationship that has potential (did you know most couples divorce without ever seeking therapy?). But we have so much power in our hands to change the dance of our relationships and make them work.

Though it takes two to tango and some relationships do end, Linda and Charlie give hopeful advice that will help you fight for your relationship instead of fighting with your partner – grounded in their own story of healing conflict and growing their love year after year.

"We can never give any more acceptance and appreciation to somebody else than we can give to ourselves...We can't give that experience of worth to another person if we haven't internalized it within ourselves." - Charlie Bloom

"We learn to love ourselves through relationships." - Charlie Bloom

"Don't expect [your partner] to know what's going on with you emotionally. That's your job to share with them what you need." - Michelle Chalfant

"When I grew some courage and started to ask [for what I wanted], I got loved in the way I wanted to be loved." - Linda Bloom

"There's a part of us that I think is innate within all human beings to want to feel whole, to want to feel integrated." - Charlie Bloom

"If we can appeal to the other person's self-interest, that sometimes helps them to get over their conflict phobia." - Linda Bloom

"One-hundred percent of the time, defensiveness is activated by fear." - Charlie Bloom

"Starting a conversation or an argument with 'you, you, you,’ I call it throwing the shield up...That's not a conversation. It's defensiveness." - Michelle Chalfant

"A lot of people, they think good communication is required for a good relationship. But they think about speaking. They don't think about the other side and how important the listening is." - Linda Bloom

"One of the statistics that breaks my heart is that most people who get divorced never go to one couple's counseling session." - Linda Bloom

“If you can respect your partner and what their path is, then all is well.” - Michelle Chalfant

“Of course we’re going to have differences, but they don’t have to turn into arguments and conflict.” - Linda Bloom

LINKS & RESOURCES

Linda and Charlie Bloom Website

https://bloomwork.com/

"An End to Arguing" (Linda and Charlie Bloom Book)

https://www.amazon.com/End-Arguing-Valuable-Lessons-Relationships/dp/1646638085

Linda and Charlie Bloom Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/lindaandcharliebloom

Linda and Charlie Bloom Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/linda_charlie_bloom/