Freedmen says there are three interdependent variables that determine whether a relationship system can survive and even thrive in a hostile environment. The first variable is the system's capacity to view the hostility of the environment in proportion to its own response. And the third is the ability of the system to produce a leader who can define self while remaining a non-anxious presence. If we focus on their reactivity, on their insults and aggressive behavior, we reduce our chances of thriving.