"I want to figure out how not to do things that cultivate the sense of defensiveness," she says. "What does it mean to sort of encounter at least even if only in your mind what it means for someone who you'd love and by whom or through whom you've sort of understood yourself, who might not quite recognize you?" She writes: "The feeling I had was of my body actually sort of dissipating, like my body sort of breaking into particles and floating around the room."

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