can't talk to anyone like he just like needs to leave and

then I remember we heard the front door slam and we walked around i'm like honestly i don't give a fuck if you stole anything honestly take it with you in

check but slim shandy was not happy oh he was

fucking livid and i was like yeah but what pussy were you in this week okay lauren fucks in his bed you were in a different girl and i'm the one that just gets fucked who everyone got fucked but alex um so that was yeah I was a pretty good wing woman that night. I take pride in being a good wing woman. And I'm very, very excited for this new venture for you. And I'm very happy that you're enjoying the single life. Because I think that you sometimes, understandably, when you're single and a lot of your friends are in relationships. I feel like almost all your friends are in relationships, right? Like pretty much every friend is in a relationship engaged or married I think that can be hard where you're like not looking forward to being single only because you're like fuck I don't have that many single friends and I feel like you are having a lot of fun with it and you're being really open to going and meeting a lot of different people.

Yeah. I will say the one positive is being the only single one. Everyone's kind of excited to wing woman. Everyone's like, oh, like, let me like live vicariously through you a little bit. Oh, I love that. That's a fun aspect. And another thing I will say that to daddy gang, who's maybe like on the verge of like hmm I know I need to end a relationship or wanting to end something and being scared about starting over at 30 yeah something I've realized is dating at 30 because the last time I was single I was 26 dating at 30 is so so much different than dating at 26 like I feel like at least from my experience so far everyone is just like so like straightforward and like the games are like really really done and like it's not like am I gonna like obviously like I'm not just like gonna like text people like so like there's some coyness to it of course but it's like not games and it's straightforward and everyone's just like yeah like I'm looking for someone and like I'm not fucking around which is like so nice it's refreshing it just it's easier and

I feel like there's only a certain amount of years you can play the game until it actually gets boring. Like I actually. Now if someone's

playing the game, I'm like, okay, well, it's not cool anymore.

Right. You're like, I don't

care. So next. At 26, if someone's playing the game, I'd be like, okay, like maybe like I'm a little bit into this.

Well, again, because when you're younger in your 20s, like who the fuck wants to get married and settle down? Some people, but not me at that point. I was like, I want to feel the thrill. I want to be getting my head bashed in the mattress. I want to be getting flipped upside down. And then I want to be getting ghosted the next day. I want to have my heart ripped out of my chest and I want to do it all over again. And then some, and then when you get a little older, you're kind of like, I literally don't have time. I have taxes. I have a life. I have a family. I have fucking trips. I have work. I have a bunch of fucking shit and all my friends are finding their person like I want to be intentional about how like intentional about what I'm doing and where I'm like if I'm gonna leave

my house and like put on makeup and like go out on like a Sunday or like a Tuesday like let's be straightforward and like not waste each other's time completely actually though I've run into two issues with my dating game that I would love your opinion on. Oh my God. Your advice. Hit me. Okay. Issue number one. I cannot end a date under three hours. I have had no date go under three hours. The longest so far being a first date lasting eight hours. Wait. Sorry. I was just swallowing. Did you just say you went on a date that lasted eight hours? Yeah. Lauren,

what does that even mean? What time did you start the date?

I think we went to dinner at 6.30. What time did you

get home? 2 a.m. You're disturbing me right now. Are you getting married? No. Did you ever, did you want to see the man again? I don't know. Wait. Only Lauren being like, I spent eight hours with a man and I don't even know if I want to see him again. I thought you were about to tell me that you literally are in love with someone. You spent eight hours with a man. So

my issue is. You

can't end it.

I can't end it because in my mind, I'm like, what if they're a little nervous right now? Or like, what if like the sparks about to hit? And like while I'm here, like I might as well just like give it like let it run its course a little bit and like see if something pivots. I get what you're saying. Sometimes I do that with interviewing where I'll be talking to someone and like the beginning is

like light work. You're like, oh, you're a little nervous. Let me throw you some softballs. But by the end, once you're j you could ride off into the sunset okay wait hold on is this the plant man no i can't can we just quickly tell that story okay okay you're fucked up you had a very long date i

go on a very long first date with this guy eight hours and at we're drinking at a bar and um I just moved and I'm telling him like he's like what'd you do earlier that day and I'm like oh I went plant shopping and like I got myself a new plant naturally and he's like oh well like I'm moving tomorrow and like I don't know what to do with my plants like do you want to come and like get all of my plants and like you can have all of my plants and I'm like fantastic like you're You're like, free plants? Are you fucking kidding me? Yes. So then what happens though? So I go over and I end up leaving and I don't leave with the plants. But then the next day. And he gave you a

foot massage.

Yes. No,

can I just tell that part? It's so good, Lauren. It's so good this man's gonna love this you think lauren he's gonna love it and it's not even like offensive it's hilarious so what and tell me correct me if i'm wrong okay lauren says she's in this man's apartment they're having a nightcap a nightcap you've been on seven dates at this point in one night. And Lauren sits down. And how does he ask for your foot? Wait, does he just take your foot? Yeah, he just grabs

it.

He grabs her feet to which she's like this. And Lauren in her head was like, please, for the love of God. No, no, no. I hope he doesn't have a foot fetish. Please don't have a foot fetish. Please don't have a foot fetish. He takes off her sock, takes off the other sock. Thank God I had a pedicure. And he starts massaging her feet. And what do you do in that moment? Like, oh.

I guess you're fucked up. Yeah, I was drunk at that point. I was just like, okay. I think I was just in my head like, please don't pop a toe in your mouth. Please don't pop a toe in your mouth.

Honestly, that is like a dream. If a man's going to massage, I get it. On a first date, it's a little much. But a man that's willing to give acts of service. Guys, I've been

out there. I've been having experiences.

No, she's living. So then the next morning, you wake up because you don't sleep there i leave you don't hook up like more than a make out no you get home and then and then he and then she wakes up in

the morning and he shows up to your apartment with like 45 plants guys i have really nice plants now like i have so many plants like i don't know what to do with them you

know and plants are expensive like good plants

yes and they're like they came with pots oh my god and like I've never owned this many plants now and like now like I feel like I'm like a plant

mom and like just leave Chicago he's gone yeah he doesn't live in Chicago anymore here's the thing diamonds plants it's all in the same realm okay if you can get something from a first date you're winning you

got a foot massage he brought me cheese knives too what

so he just gave you all the shit that he was getting rid of here's the thing i'm really proud of you i feel like you're having good experiences um but you need i agree i think you are how fast

do you think you like when should I like start cutting it to

be fair I feel like back in the day

hours is fair three

hours is a long fucking time Lauren but here's the thing I do think when you're single there's also something to be said about like on a Wednesday night on a Thursday night if you didn't have plans with your girlfriends like yeah I guess you could be home like reading ACOTAR but like I finished it oh well then exactly so like what the fuck else are you doing we read our fucking series we were you're done binging our shows yeah but the point is is you I feel like I feel like you are someone that like you like to hang out with people I

think that's also the thing like I've been really fortunate like all the dates I've gone on like while there might not have been like enough chemistry to go on a second date, like they're all like lovely people. Yeah. And you're like getting to know them. And like and myself. Period.

OK, Lauren, this is my advice to you. Number one, if you're going on a weekday date, do you do those often?

I never do Friday or Saturday. I'm a big Sunday date person.

so

I feel like if you're doing

either a Sunday or you're doing a weekday thing I think that because I was gonna say go for drinks but like make them fucking pay for a good dinner like get yourself a good steak and fill up you know what I mean so I think because I get it when people like just go for drinks it's easier to get out of yeah

but I've been doing that that I'm like having drinks for three hours and now I'm like I'm really hungry so I might as well eat.

Exactly. So I think I already know you and I was the same, like go for the fucking dinner. Yeah. I do think you can always say like I have an early morning tomorrow and I know that's not that fun, but you're still going to like have a drink and you're going to hang. I do think you just have to almost cut yourself, though, because what I also recognize is first dates are so fun, but you don't want to blow your fucking load in the first date where like you almost are kind of like I don't really need anything more we kind of talk about everything like what else is there to do almost I've had those dates where I'm like that was so fun but I almost don't need to like see this person again because I don't see a future with them and I kind of know everything about them now like it's over yeah I think you want to still feel like you have more questions about someone so I would say you just have to eat at the normal fucking pace and by the third fucking course Lauren get the fucking check and go home but you're going for nightcaps that's

where I need to cut it off you need to cut it no no nightcaps after dinner no

okay what's the other problem you're going with I

keep thinking that everyone's trying to kiss me goodbye and they're not and so like they're going for a goodbye hug and I kiss them and it's really fucking awkward. So

you're the problem. Lauren's like they're not trying to kiss me, but I feel like it. So I go in for it first. I think what you have, that is actually so fucking fair. One

was so bad. I literally ran away and got in the Uber.

what happened like

he we were like going for the hug and like I thought like he was like gonna try to kiss me so I'd go and I kiss him and it was just like and I literally my uber was there and I literally just like turn around and I just get in the uber I don't say anything I just turn around

you just speed away yeah yeah yeah okay no no this is what I think you need to do which I actually completely agree first dates when you're vibing with someone also like I like a first date make out because I like to be like maybe if the conversation was like average or mid the make out if it's so good it makes you be like maybe I'll go on a second date with you you know what I mean like that's an added point like are you sexually attracted to the person yeah so I'm all for a little make out on the first date but if you don't want to do the make out I think well I've

been initiating

all of these and they've been like what are you doing but Lauren I think you need to when you go to hug them goodbye you need to hug I can't believe we're doing this hug and then it's a it's it's pug yeah it's a one two whatever the fuck hug and then grab the ass and kind of finger the dingleberries and kind of pinch his asshole hair no no you hug and the minute you're done with the hug you kind of really you you turn your head away from them and you kind of pull back. You're probably kind of doing a linger.

Okay, ready? Hug me. I hug. Okay, you hug.

And then I make eye contact. Lauren, you're literally in my nostril air. You literally are. No, Lauren. Okay, wait. I have a solution. You have to go like this. You go like this, and then you go like that. Have you ever hugged an uncle?

Okay, wait. So this was really distressing me, and I was talking to my one guy friend in Chicago. I'm like, has this ever happened to you? This is an epidemic over here for me. And he's like, Lauren, here's my rule that I live hard and fast by. On the first date, if a kiss does not happen during the actual date, he's like, I never kiss goodbye. Oh. Because a goodbye kiss, there's so much pressure and it's so forced. So he was like, now sit. And he's like, so like if you like sitting we're

doing a tutorial if you're like sitting

and like talking he's like if your like knees are touching like you go in for the kiss during the date like then normal natural chemistry but he's like if it doesn't happen on the actual

date never on the goodbye okay that's this is this is good confirmation so here's the thing though i'm gonna rebuttal a tiny bit okay the goodbye if it's the literal goodbye when you are like uber's ready i go and you're like hands on the fucking taxi cab or uber you're like i guess i'm going now and he's like bye yeah get in the fucking car okay you're trying to like elongate to a four hour situation like just one more night I don't want to go home just yet. But I think, for example, after dinner, Matt and I on our first date, it was a back alley make out. How I knew it was going to be a back alley make out is there was a lot of sexual tension throughout the dinner.

OK, this is my mistake. There's no sexual chemistry or no sexual tension. And then I try to plan a kiss on them. This is good. This is good info. So you're just not reading the

fucking room. I don't know what I'm doing. No, I think you're just having fun. I'm trying to give them a good time. No, and you're having fun. And you're having fun. You're a sexual being. You're seeing if you can. Maybe I'm too like pent up. You're kind of like, you're kind of looking at them like legs open. Like this man is like, we literally fought at dinner and our views are completely different. We literally talked about like politics and like your job and

like there was nothing sexual going on. Lauren.

I'm not doing that. Don't worry. No, no, no. Listen, I think it's so fucking attractive when the woman makes the first move. However, you know, we don't want you to get a reputation around Chicago they're like yeah this fucking I need to clean up my act you got to get it together no have fucking fun but no I think if it's at the end of the night there's something really steamy and hot about this built but to be fair on my first date with Matt he literally reached across the table at one point and held my hand and he was like can I kiss you yet so we had been talking I know that was like fucking hot I literally was like no okay

so that's a really good tangible example yes of tension

and chemistry he's like touching me he's like hold my hand he was like can I kiss you yet I said no so I knew we were gonna kiss if this man is given it is a job interview through and through and he's trying to network baby and this is giving more linkedin yeah i think you don't give them the don't plant one on don't plant one unless you're in the mood and you're horny that night you know what bring them fucking back rarely are men gonna be like no no no i don't want to see you and your vibrator tonight in your bed like all right like i think you got to decide what you want to do i'm so excited that you're thriving and you're single honestly you're gonna find your guy

Lauren brought a game.