Why comparing insides to outsides destroys aliveness

Most of us are busier, more “optimized,” and more connected than ever - yet somehow feel less alive. Why? And what would it look like to reclaim a deeper, wilder sense of humanness in a world obsessed with control?

This week, Oliver Burkeman, bestselling author of Four Thousand Weeks and Meditations for Mere Mortals, returns to explore the paradox at the heart of modern life: the more we chase mastery, certainty, and perfect systems, the more we squeeze out the very aliveness we’re craving. From the illusion of control to the quiet courage of letting go, we dig into how to live fully now, not “one day when everything’s sorted.”

Together we explore:

• Aliveness vs. optimization: why feeling in control can be the enemy of feeling alive — and how to make room for vitality again.

• “Letting go” without giving up: Elizabeth Gilbert’s reframe you’re not losing control; you never had it, only anxiety.

• Productive discomfort tolerance: sitting with the first five messy minutes, parenting, deep work, reading, and why difficulty isn’t a personal failing.

• Resilience as release: from kintsugi to self-trust, why strength often arrives after the break, and why gripping harder rarely works.

• Plans that don’t kill the work: using structure as a North Star, not a taskmaster, so projects keep their spark.

• Spontaneity on schedule? The weird trap of “time-boxing serendipity,” and the liberating truth that every moment is a choice.

• Comparison culture: inside vs. outside, and why someone else’s serene grid may mask chaos you can’t see.

• AI, therapy, and the human need to be held in mind: where tools help, and where only a person will do.

  
  

This is a conversation about refusing to postpone life until after the emails, the crises, or the algorithm say you’re done, and choosing to show up, human and imperfect, right now.

Love,

Sarah Ann 💛

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This episode is sponsored by:

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Highlights

Why We’re Feeling Less Alive in a World That Never Stops (00:00)

Aliveness vs. Control: Escaping the Productivity & Optimization Trap (04:18)

Letting Go Without Losing Control: Finding Freedom in Uncertainty (10:06)

The Art of Productive Discomfort: Building Focus, Patience & Presence (15:27)

Structure Without Strangling the Spark: Creative Flow & Sustainable Work (24:21)

Comparison Culture: Social Media, Self-Worth & Perspective (36:36)

AI, Therapy & the Human Need to Be Truly Seen (45:43)

The Role of Trust in Therapy (50:59)

Self-Compassion and Personal Growth (56:08)

The Importance of Small, Consistent Efforts (01:15:52)

Living Well and Being Well (01:19:33)

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