The Importance of Asking for Help

Why We Create Expectations about Ourselves

This episode is about D&D and it’s about life in some small way. Playing dungeons and dragons is something we do just like everything else we do, and because of that, we can often create expectations around the way we do things. 

I think it stems from our ability to think about how we think about things. Maybe subconsciously, we need some sort of purpose or we need to feel like we are achieving something.

Either way, having certain unchecked expectations can be pretty damaging and counterproductive. For the most part, D&D is just a game. For some people it’s a game that is part of their livelihood. Hopefully, for no one is it life or death. Because of that, I think we need to all relax a little bit, breathe and readjust some of our personal expectations that might be making things less than fun.

I can’t take breaks

Believe me, I know that you have had your campaign going for years now and you don’t want to risk it’s fading away by taking a week or two off. I’m in the same boat. My group has been playing for a little over 3 years and to be honest, everytime I think about taking a week or so off, it gives me a little anxiety.

But guess what?

That anxiety is all in my head. 

If we took a week off, we would be back the next week. This expectation is false because everyone in my group is committed to the game.

I know that because we’ve been doing it for 3 years.

So if you have thought that maybe you could use a break as the DM, don’t let yourself stop you from getting a probably well-deserved break.

Either take a week off, or have one of your players DM for a session. In my campaign, I invited each of my players to take on the DMing of storiella within the campaign. Two have taken me up on my invite and we enjoyed their one-shots tremendously.

The best part for me was being able to relax for a week span here and there and let myself recharge a little bit. It also clued me into the fact that things might have gotten a bit stale. For example, I haven’t been doing as many combat encounters as I used to. I’ve also let the story sort of wander away from me, rather than directing it like a stagecoach driver.

I can’t change things up

As I mentioned before, I’ve recently noticed that I’ve been doing things the same way and things have gotten somewhat stale. I noticed this during my last session with my players in which is was pretty apparent that everyone was somewhat bored. I decided to end the session early and move onto the next story element, rather than making them slug away at the boring parts.

Too often, we slip into routine. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. Routine helps us maximize effort and optimize brain power. It’s exhausting to think of everything, that’s why when you have new experiences it seems that time slows down or more fits into a period of time. When you do routine things instead, you find that time passed more quickly, and frankly, sometimes time passes without you realizing what is going on. You find yourself somewhere without knowing how you got there.

When it comes to D&D, routine can be both good and bad. The key is to key off your players. If they seem like they are enjoying every single session, then bully for you. If not, then you should change things up. As they say, “If you always do what you’ve always done, then you’ll always get what you always got.”

I have to do it THIS way

Youtube is an amazing invention. It has probably educated more people than the public education system ever has, simply because now if you have wifi, you have access to hundreds of millions of videos on all sorts of subjects.

In the world of Dungeons and Dragons, there are Youtube Dungeon Masters a plenty. For the most part, these Online DMs are talented, practiced and have spent many hours and lots of money creating a great D&D production.

Sometimes though, you and I might fall into the trap of watching their shows, loving every minute of it, and then slipping into the thought that everything we do has to mirror or resemble their methods. I know that I often stop myself from doing things just because, “Well, on Critical Role they do this…”

It’s wonderful to have role models and people to try to emulate. Becoming great often involves some form of imitation. The problem arises though when we shackle ourselves to an idea that holds us back and prohibits us from actually having fun. In my last session, as I’ve already mentioned, things had gotten stale. Let me explain a little more about the situation.

My party has entered the astral sea, which in my campaign, functions a lot more like the universe of Disney’s Treasure Planet, with astral ships and so forth. The party is on a voyage to a distant planet that will take them 25 days to get there. At first, I started with a random table so that everyday had the possibility of generating some strange event. Then two of my players hosted one shots, each one filling up one of the days of the voyage. 

After a while, I realized that the traveling bit of it, was rather boring. So contrary to what I believed about how Critical Role functions, I decided to do something radical. I finished the session, and told my party that I’m going to time jump the travel time from now on. I needed to know their plans. 

Whenever you watch the online Dungeon Masters play, they don’t seem to ever have informal planning sessions with their players. Instead, they seem to have everything planned out. 

First, they might have those sorts of planning sessions behind the scenes, we just don’t know. 

But second, it doesn’t matter what they do. What matters is what I do and whether or not it improves the gameplay for myself and my friends. 

Whenever you find yourself falling into the trap of thinking, “I have to do it this specific way,” catch yourself and fling yourself out of the trap. You’ll be happy you did.

I have to do the funny voices

“Welcome to Bolgren’s Inn!”

“Penny for your thoughts…”

“At last, my master plan has come to fruition…”

These funny voices are very… well, fun! Everyone likes the funny voices and everyone wishes they could perfect their accent.

But guess what.

You don’t actually have to do any voices.

That’s right. Your best bet might just be making sure the session happens at all. For many DM’s getting players to show up is much more important than whether this character has a South Carolina Accent or an Alabama accent.

In fact, our recent podcast episode with Audiobook Voice Actor, Victor Bevine, sheds a little more light on this topic. Victor said that the main character of any audiobook should be the closest to the actors natural voice. This is because that’s the voice that will be use the most. So even in the big leagues, having a funny voice isn’t near as important as the inflection, the tone, and the emotion behind the voice. Victor voiced Drizzt Do’Urden in R.A. Salvatores fantastic book series set in the Forgotten Realms. If you’ve ever heard the audiobooks, then you know that even though Drizzt’s voice is Victor’s voice, the emotion and tone are perfectly performed. So if nothing else, keep your same voice, but change the inflections and the tone and the emotion and no one will be bothered about the fact that you don’t do accents. They’ll be captivated by your performance just like Victor’s portrayal of Drizzt captivates.

I have to use minis

Now, you’re probably wondering why something like this would come from me, one of the founders of Monsters.Rent, a D&D mini subscription rental service…

Well, it’s because I truly believe that you don’t actually have to use minis. There are good reasons to use minis, but to be frank, if it is causing you headaches, then don’t bother with them.

I constantly say that at its heart, D&D is nothing more than a collaborative story. For that story you only need people, something to write, a story and an agreed-upon set of rules. Everything else is just extra layers. Sometimes in the world of being a dungeon master, you don’t have time to add the “extra layers” so don’t. Just do what you can and enjoy every second you can.

My players have to love every session

Obviously, we all want our players to love every single session. Honestly, it stings a little when you realize mid-session that your players are not having a fun time. There have been a few times when one player or another just hates what’s happening during the session. Because I’m a big softy, whenever this happens, I tend to lighten up things for that player and make it a little better.

But I don’t need to do that.

What I need to do is make sure the story is the best story they’ve ever heard.

In life, there are times that we really don’t like. But without fail, those times always teach us something and give us a different perspective. We may not like those difficult times, but we need the perspective. The same thing is true in a D&D session. Sometimes characters need the hard times to make their character more dynamic and to help them grow. If everything is easy, then the character’s life will be boring. Often, when things get difficult for the character, the player will not be happy, unless they are a masichist.

So rather than ensuring your players love every session, focus on helping your players love the campaign and the story. It’s not a perfect line to walk, but you can do it.

I can’t ask for help

Asking for help is a very difficult thing for some people. Most people I know who Dungeon Master, have become dungeon masters for one of a few reasons:

1. No One Else will do it.

This reason is very common. Not many people want to dive into being a dungeon master so there are a select few who bite the bullet and step up to the plate.

1. They want to tell a story

Others become DM’s because they want to learn how to tell good stories and they believe they are the ones that can do it. There is a certain amount of pride in these people. They feel that they are good storytellers and that they can make an amazing experience.

1. They Love Performing

Still others relish the thought of performing in front of others and being the actor at centerstage. Here too, there is a fair amount of pride.

With the last two reasons, pride is at the heart of why a person becomes a DM. That means for a lot of people, asking for help is a very hard thing to do. But take it from me. Just ask for help.

I’ve already mentioned before how I asked my cohost Tanner Weyland for some help with a one-shot I was planning. It was a prison break type one-shot, and he completely removed one of the barriers I was having in creating the one-shot just by asking a simple question.

Even in my current campaign, I asked my players to help me by hosting one-shots themselves so I could have a small break. There is nothing wrong with asking for a little help. 

I’m not good enough to be a DM

I don’t want to spend too much time on this one because frankly, it’s completely erroneous. Let me just tell you something. Either you are good enough to be a DM, or no one is. 

It’s a game for goodness sake. You may not do it as good as some of the more practice DMs, but that’s ok. It requires skills that need practice. 

Honestly, I myself have dealt with some feelings of inadequacy. I’ve been DMing for a while now, I recently have played a couple one-shots with my buddy Jake Packham of the Dungeon Mastermind podcast. He is amazing! I asked him how many times he’s DMd and he said a handful… But he is still so much better than I am. 

Guess what?

That is awesome!

That in no way makes me a worse DM. It just makes me want to play at Jake’s table that much more.

Instead of thinking how good everyone else is compared to you, spend time enjoying being a dungeon master. We tend to ruin ourselves by overthinking things.

Stop.

Just stop.

Enjoy the moment and you’ll realize that you are good enough and getting better everyday.

I have to be perfectly prepared

This last one might be controversial, but you don’t need to be perfectly prepared. There is such a thing as improvisation. Maybe you don’t have all the names of your NPCs perfectly picked out. No problem. Make them up. 

You’ll probably make up some pretty silly names but once you get better, no one will think twice about the names you make up.

Maybe your players decide to follow an adventure hook that is really only half baked. 

Great.

If you need to, put a pause on the session for 15 minutes to give you some time to prepare what comes next. That’s ok too.

No one has everything completely mapped out. No one needs to.

Instead, we need to roll with the punches, plan as much as we can and enjoy the game as it’s going along because we are a player in the game too.

Don’t forget that.

Often times, our expectations are what set us up for failure. Because D&D is a game, we should really lower our expectations of ourselves and our players. Simply enjoying the experience can make it much more enjoyable. Then again, expectations are what eventually make us great. Who’s to say that you shouldn’t hold yourself to the highest D&D standard. You could after all, become the world’s greatest DM who ever lived. If you do, I just ask that you invite me to your table once or twice. Thanks for listening to today’s show. We’ll be back next week for another amazing episode. Until then, let’s go ahead and roll initiative.

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